AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

Those definitely are feminist issues and they are not sufficiently resolved by making things worse for women in other ways such as sacrificing female only spaces

Op yabvu yes. You obviously made her feel uncomfortable. She should feel safe in that space and not have to even ask that males aren't in it, it just shouldn't happen. You'll know for next time.

Taking a male into female only spaces is not the answer though.
It never will be.
It's not ableist to say this.
Females and males need female and male only spaces/facilities.
Disabled people need suitable spaces/facilities.
We all need to shout louder.

Sorry, I think you’re been unreasonable. At what age will you stop taking him in the women’s? 12, 13, 16? The girl obviously felt uncomfortable. Most places have an age l8mit of 8yo. People at my gym break the rules over this a lot and it really annoys me having so many older primary and even secondary age boys in the communal female changing room. I often see them gawping at me or other naked women.

I probably don’t seem angry but I’m seething inside. I don’t say anything as I’m sure the mums would say the kid needs them, has special needs, etc. but my friends Dd knows some of them from school and says they manage fine at school……not saying that’s the same for your ds. But yeah, you need to wait for the accessible changing. You said you’d have waited if a girl had been in there before you started which suggests you knew it would make people uncomfortable and that he can wait.

It is exhausting, stressful and you don’t need to have others animosity, whenever the issue here is clearly that the leisure centre have failed in their duty to provide an accessible environment.

@Robinni completely agree!

Would you go into school and help your 9yo get changed for PE?

No it’s not ableist to say that but it is ableist to totally ignore the plight of disabled boys and young men and their female carers. OP knows it wasn’t a good solution. Huffing and puffing about her poor choices isn’t helping it’s just ignoring the challenge she faced.

I think some parents might, given the chance, that doesn't make it right though.

No, to make a reasonable adjustment the school allow him to wear his PE kit all day when he has PE so he doesn’t have to change :)

You said you’d have waited if a girl had been in there before you started which suggests you knew it would make people uncomfortable and that he can wait.

This!

If I’d been there with my 9yoDD getting changed together and there was a boy her own age there in the room whilst she was stripping off her wet cossie and standing starkers, she’d have (rightly) been mortified and unbelievably uncomfortable. She doesn’t like to assert herself tho or ‘make a fuss’ so unlike the OP who was able to stake her claim on the space and enunciate why, my DD would’ve just had to experience that horrible experience quietly and get on with it, for fear of ‘causing a fuss’.

I do NOT want that for my DD, nor any other of our daughters (or us, for that matter).

Your problem should not be made to be other people’s problem.

Your problem should not be made to be other people’s problem. you really don’t understand or practice inclusion do you?

Agree with the PPs that while a solution should be found for OP's son, and the leisure centre needs to do more in this regard, the solution is not to use the female single sex space

No, the female should use the female space. Let the male use a toilet.

I haven't once dismissed or ignored the plight, because it's a really important issue!
All Ihave said is that taking males above 7/8 into female spaces is never the answer.
Also, I'm not sure OP does know it wasn't a good solution, because she's only really tried to justify it and not taken on board how it's really not a good idea (so far at least).

Many parents do go in to help on PE day and some children have TAs and some wear their PE clothes all day as a reasonable adjustment. Most of us would much prefer our children could manage without that help.

I’m wondering would we all be discussing this with the same strength of feeling if we weren’t facing a trans invasion currently?

Fair point to say, are we as women now hyper vigilant and more uncompromising regarding female only spaces because of the aggression we are facing regarding opening them to those born biological males?

10-15 years ago I think we would have been compassionate to OP and have been supporting her to seek a better solution.

But instead she is facing wrath which feels misdirected. I.E. a disabled child and their mother are facing extreme and disproportionate ridicule on account of aggressive adult male actions in the wider debate.

Mind you 10-15 yrs ago disabled rights and accessibility was piss poor, so at least OP stands a chance of having her DS’s needs met.

Swings and roundabouts.

Well inclusion isn't forcing males into female spaces.......

A 9 year old is not a small child.

My feelings are purely based on a male being in a female only space he shouldn't be in, and that more proper accessible spaces should be provided/not abused by others.