To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

Mynadvice : get out now, while you can! Tell them you will have your hands full with your own child starting in a new school and don't wish to commit to take on their child. I wouldn't give any (false) excuses, as they might find out ór find a solution to counter them. Just say no. (Especially the fact they live out of your way seems very weird. )

Hi OP,

It sounds as though your DD's friend may have undiagnosed SEND and the parents are not aware and are just clinging to your family as the one thing that makes their life feasible.

If you are a teacher, maybe you could broach this with them and encourage them to seek an assessment?

'Hi Emma, I'm getting the impression from some of your messages that you're hoping that if Poppy gets a place at St Mustard's I'll help you with the school run. Have I read that right? If so, you need to know that that doesn't work for me and it's not going to happen. I wanted to be sure you understand this. Okay?'

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Or if both parents have mental health issues it could be rubbing off on the child.

Honestly I would tell them that you can’t commit to which school your child is going to is because you have to first wait know about your own work committments which won’t be until new year. Also let them know that you are concerned about how afterschool clubs, etc, are going to fit around yours and DH’s very busy work schedules. See if they suddenly lose interest.

Wow! Definitely let them know sooner rather than later. People can be really entitled. I had a parent forget about an Inset day and asked for child to be dropped off for play date. At the drop off he asked when he can pick up his DD and before I could even answer said “ Bearing in mind the later the better for me as I’m working today”. I politely replied that I’ll have a full house today (5 children all together) and in a couple of hours will work for me. He was late for pick up. Some people only think about themselves…

But they're NOT looking for lift sharing! They're looking for free after school care until after 6 pm.

Nope, nope, nope.

"Oh, lift sharing and looking after other children is not something we want to do because of our own commitments. Have you looked at childminders?"

Just say that won’t work as you won’t be doing all the school runs anyway and they don’t live on your route to school. Surely no-one would expect someone to drive 20 mins back on themselves to pick up someone’s kid? If they are stupid enough to apply thinking you’d be helping more fool them.

As you are worried, contact her, say you’ve been thinking and you cannot commit to shared school runs. Their decision to apply to the school has to be based on how they can get their child to/from school themselves. That’s it.

Surely no-one would expect someone to drive 20 mins back on themselves to pick up someone’s kid? If they are stupid enough to apply thinking you’d be helping more fool them.

But it’s quite possible that CF wants to pick both kids up a couple of days (dropping OP’s child at hers straight after school) and then wants OP to collect her own daughter plus hers, walk them back home and provide free childcare until the CF finishes work and will come and collect at 6pm a couple of days a week in return!

I don’t understand why any excuses need to be made at all. Simply state that you will not take or pick up her DD if they go to the same school because it wouldn’t work for you at all. It’s not as if it matters if she gets in a huff, as you don’t like her which sounds justified from what you have stated. In fact, it would sort the problem out if she cooled off.

Regarding your DD’s closeness to this girl… When I was a child at primary school, I was like your DD, friends with everyone and then I became “best friends” with a girl just like the one you mention, totally possessive and from a very troubled background. To cut a long story short, I lost all my other friends through her, and all my confidence with it. She betrayed me in High School so that I was bullied. My
Mum didn’t like her but let the friendship continue. I so wish she hadn’t.

I am not saying this would happen with your DD, but I still say, discourage the friendship because this girl is already showing disturbing behaviour.

You need to give them some numbers for good childminders in the area and tell ur to get in the school next to her.

If they apply on the basis of expecting you to help them out without them ever actually outright asking then that is on then. You would gain nothing but inconvenience. Wait until they ask and just say very clearly no I am sorry but a fixes arrangement does not work for us.
The fact that they would expect you to drop their child home or hold on to her is Proper cheeky fuckery. Stand your ground. Their childcare is their problem. Suggest a local childcare provider. Do not be guilted into being a people pleaser to your own family’s detriment

I'd casually mention your parents will be doing some collections from school for you and as they live further away it would mean a lot of extra driving. It sounds like they are worried their child will lose their only friend. I'd just say the DC can keep in touch on weekends.

I'd probably have laughed when they suggested I do an hour round trip for a school run to suit them when I have no need for this arrangement. They are being so cheeky! Working 8-6 shouldn't be an issue unless they work hours from where they live. A good childminder would sort all of their issues.

Personally I wouldn’t say “no” to something they haven’t asked yet as it could be super awkward particularly if you’ve gotten the wrong end of the stick and could come across as a little confrontational.

I would meet for a playdate and then veer the conversation towards the school logistics like - “have you thought about what you are going to do for childcare and the school runs? To be honest it is stressing me out a bit - I am thinking with x starting school it will be a great opportunity to change my hours and my mum says she can take x some of the time but to be honest I don’t want to take advantage of her too much as having a child all day can be exhausting particularly at her age etc… I think I might explore childcare facilities just in case - particularly ones that do drop off and collection as I hear traffic can be bad and there can be quite a queue of cars to get in and out” Maybe drop in that even if you don’t change your hours that you are exhausted from work, child care etc… and not really relishing the idea of sitting in traffic and queuing to collect your child. Use the power of the waffle (have a friendly rant without letting them get a word in so they know not to ask) and if they are cheeky enough to ask just say “God I really can’t, I’m so sorry but we already have to sort out what we are doing with x ourselves so definitely wouldn’t be able to manage another kid, particularly with the added journey time”. Be sympathetic, say it sucks but we are all in the same boat and just empathise while firmly saying no. If they ask about your mum either say she couldn’t possibly manage two that it’s already a stretch asking her to mind x or pretend your paying her and make it a rate that will deter them!

Not sure why you need to mention their mental health. That's pretty crappy because mental health issues mean that generally life is about surviving day by day in a way other people could never understand. You seem to use it in a way to describe them as unsuitable people.

As for the lifts.. Just say no. After all your daughter might join clubs, or go out to other friends on those days. Best to knock it on the head before it starts.

This is how cheeky fuckers work - they rely on you being too polite to say an outright no and they always have an answer to whatever white lie you tell them!

Honestly the best approach is to be direct and say you don't want to share school runs or do their after school childcare. They aren't worrying about what you think, they aren't your lifelong friends, so why are you turning yourself into a human pretzel, to avoid saying no?

I be had 4 kids go through primary and not one had the same friends in secondary that they had aged 4. Parents get all caught up in fostering these friendships, as if they are all important and will see their child through their whole education, but it's just not true. Children's friendships are very fluid at this age and there is very little chance of you knowing this woman forever. So why the reluctance to offend?

You need to be clear and unequivocal. I always used to say in the presence of a cheeky fucker that I liked taking my own child to school, so didn't need a reciprocal arrangement and I wanted to give my child one to one attention and not look after anyone else's child during that time. This is something they can't really argue with because it isn't a weak arse excuse, it's an actual reason.

Obviously I helped our parents I knew and liked with emergency help but I wasn't ever willing to be anyone's default childcare. You have to weigh up what's in it for you and the answer is nothing.

From what you've said, it would actually benefit your own child to create some distance - she's looking to you to learn boundaries, so you have to show her that you know how to maintain yours!

Don't put it off, be explicit now.

It'd be lovely if both the girls get into the same school but I won't be able to help with school runs because...too far away, awful traffic, I'm short of time in the mornings and I wouldn't want to rely on anyone else..

Then you can stop avoiding them and let the girls enjoy Christmas.

I think you're getting in a state over nothing. If you're applying to good reputation schools - how close you live is a major factor. So if you live so far apart form this family, chances of them being accepted at the same school are remote. However, your life seems well-organised. You have grandma support. You work. Start setting boundaries and being in control. Sympathise with other people who struggle - but you work, your mum is a life-saver and you know how hard it is to juggle school runs. And just say, having talked it over with your mum, she's reminded you how many times she's covered for you, and she will not be responsible for another child on school runs, so you can't commit. And don't follow it up with "but I'll try", follow it up with, "I'm going to wait until I find out what the new school is like before I commit to anything."

This message is succinct, straight to the point and perfect. I’d send this ASAP

They can apply to the school they want. Other thing is get a place in that school and the other thing which involves you is pick ups and drops off. Tell them you won't be able to do it. One thing is an odd day and another being in charge of doing it in daily bases.

@oepeabsin have you said anything to her?

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Happy to help. I charge £100 per day, payment for a full term in advance before service starts.

Then wait…….