To not commit to school runs for other kid

[oepeabsin]

DD has a friend who has little other social contact except her. We have had a few play dates at soft play etc. Parents want to apply for all the same schools as us even though they are way out of catchment and would never have even thought of them if we weren't applying..recently lots of hints being dropped about sharing drop off and pick ups if they get into the same school.
Which won't benefit me as I have a flexi job and my mum to do the days I can't but would them for two days a week.
AIBU to say don't apply for the same school on the basis that I will be doing the school runs on their working days?
Also they live about 20 mins in opposite direction to school so would add about an hour on to my school run due to traffic and I am not keen on their child at all as she is rude and doesn't like DD to play with any other kids. It's all about what benefits them and their child and nothing about us or our child.
DH is a safeguarding lead and wouldn't want them to pick up DD anyway as we don't know them well enough to entrust them with our child and there is a long history of mental illness with them too.
Wtf do I say? I'm starting to avoid a bit and not commit to which school we will chose.

@DragonFly98
So you would be happy for someone to pick up someone else child who is used to being on an iPad 24/7 even if you don't use them or disagree with them? And deal with the meltdowns at the end of a long school day for little kids?
As for the mental health issue, you don't know what this is as OP hasn't stated, this could be things that which being a safeguarding lead would actually make you very aware of can lead to further problems down the line.
It's one thing meeting for the odd soft play date, another thing entirely to get into doing extended child care for someone else. Or to want them to have your child.
OP has just lost a parent, that puts you in a vulnerable state of mind. I think in these circumstances she is quite kind to be even worried about how to broach this with them rather than just an open fuck off with your assumptions we are going to bend over backwards to make your life easier IMO

So you’re an assistant head teacher and your husband is a teacher? And neither of you have boundries with parents? Come on put your professional heads on and tell her no! How did you even get an AH job?

I would agree with @Purpleraiin. If they haven’t outright asked then you don’t need to address anything as yet. But if you feel they are hinting and it is hanging over you then purpleraiin’s direct approach in response to their hints will make things clear to them and get it off your worry list

I would just lie with your school choice. But that’s me!
It may be worth saying that you have childcare sorted for when your dd starts school which is fortunate. If they start to hint, just say no and ask them which after school childcare they will be using. Don’t back down!

I agree with all the nos. I have also realised that if you manage your life to do pick up and make sacrifices to do so some people think you can just start doing it for them too. I find it really disrespectful as if your time or job is less valuable than theirs. It would limit your ability to occassionally do club, schedule in activites or after school things, even go to the shop. The school run and club times are not convenient for anyone. That doesn't mean you should be their unpaid nanny. If you started this it wouldn't be long before they wanted to leave children later than childcare would. You would be feeding their child and not able to put yours to bed/ do their homework in peace etc. Firm no

‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to commit to any school pick ups or drop offs. It’s quite enough of a juggling act as it is, with my mum helping out a lot. So please don’t apply for any school assuming that I’ll be able to help.’

As I wrote, I really didn't know her.
Her mum seemed like a very pleasant woman from the brief banal conversations we had.
I was avoiding them both for a long time.

None of my friends or circle behave like this, but they lurk where children congregate, schools and activities.

A friend of mine had something similar via montessori.

A mother thinking because they lived close by and would be going to the same school its a no brainer.
Not for most people its not.

It's hard enough juggling your own children in my experience without having to factor in another child on a regular basis.

Some parents think whats another one when you have several!🙄

I definitely had to be very firm a few times with a couple of parents, that I was not interested in doing anyone "a small favour twice a week and drop James home as we happen to live in the general area".

No thank you, not even slightly interested in adding another child to my 4! Have quite enough to juggle.

They've sadly got blinkers on.... dig out the distance of furthest school place offered last year, I can't imagine a 20min drive would see them get a place!? Just give them that info - if they put your preferred school down and don't get it because of distance, they will then be unlikely to get a place at the one on their doorstep (unless you live in an area with an abundance of primary schools). Help them out with the info and they will also be off your back

The problem is that massive CF's somehow make you doubt yourself even when you KNOW you're not being unreasonable. But honestly, OP., driving 20 mins out of your way (x2) twice a week is nuts. No-one would say it's reasonable to ask someone to do that. I would literally need to have no other option before I'd ask another parent to do that as a favour, even as a one-off (and yes, I would do it for someone else if they were desperate and not a certified CF).

Also involving other families in morning drop offs is usually asking for fallings out and lateness, when you or the other family aren't ready/ have to go back for forgotten stuff etc. My mate lives around the corner and we share afternoon pick ups but we've decided for all our sanity and our friendship that we will sort ourselves out in the mornings.

Sorry-meant to say, I would try to avoid your dd being at the same school as this child if she's socially controlling. I had a friend like that at primary school and when she emigrated to Australia my DM cried tears of joy .

"School runs are such are nightmare. Thankfully my mum's really looking forward to taking DD to school and picking her up. How are you planning to cope, given you're applying to schools 100 miles from where you live???"

Keep it simple.

Yes, though I’d be blunter if she asks for help. I’d look baffled and straight out say, ‘That doesn’t make any sense. That’s a good half hour longer journey out of our way at that time of day. There’s no way I can commit to that amount of extra work and there’s absolutely no way my mum would agree to that. It makes far more sense for your DD to go to your great local school where she can make friends that live close by’.

If any more hints are made I'd clearly respond saying shared lifts won't be possible. You don't need to explain why.

Then avoid meeting up or allowing your child to play with hers. So if the child does end up the same school (hopefully not if they are a long way from it), she will no longer see you as a buddy.

Tell them that you are putting an entirely different school at the top of your list. They will never find out.

JUST SAY YOU WONT BE DOING THE PICK UPS AND DROP OFFS AS YOURE WORKING SO YOUR MUM WILL BE DOING THEM. SORRY!

Hope it is sorted.
it is handy to have the odd parent to do a favour for you and Vica versa - eg children needing transport middle of school day for a school sport event etc, or emergency dental apt etc. But a regular commitment, no! Your children will have different after school clubs, swimming lessons etc. so handy to pop to get a hair cut after school, or nip to pharmacy/Dr’s if child unwell. Would I want to take another child to medical appointment so, hair cuts, gym clubs, dance lessons etc!

You absolutely cannot share school runs with them if they live 20 mins in the other direction.

You’re being too nice. I’d start to distance myself from this family (and I say this as a person with all sorts of issues but I still don’t expect other people to help me take my kids to school).

Your DH is a safeguarding lead…surely there are red flags with this family?

You need to be clear that you won’t be helping.

Say they are free to apply to whatever schools they like but as they live in the opposite direction you can’t help with school runs and you will only be collecting 2 days a week anyway. They need to look for a childminder if the wrap around care isn’t suitable.

Also, I’d point out (gently) that your child will want to be friends with other kids in the class and if their child will struggle with that then clearly it’s not a good idea.

they have clearly said oh if you apply to that school for your DD then we will.

What did you say then?

I would use the pp’s suggestion and text her now to ask them what childcare they’d found so you can give the information to a friend. If she has something sorted, she’ll tell you, if she is planning on using you, you can respond and say that won’t be possible.

Speak to her asap about this so she can apply to a suitable school.

Second answer in has nailed it. Just don't elaborate in any other way because they will try to find solutions to any scenario you come up with. To quote the Queen, "never explain".

YABVU though to discriminate on the grounds of Mental Health.

'Dear weird friend. I'm finally sat down and just thinking about what you said on x day about lift sharing to x school. I just needed to let you know that we won't be available to share lifts. Work is complicated right now so an extra child won't work for us at all. I wanted to make sure you weren't choosing a school based on whether we could help you. Good luck sorting out the nightmare of wrap around care! We're pretty busy with the run up to Christmas so I'll message in the new year'

At the next opportunity say (or maybe text) ..... hey I get the impression you think we'll be sharing school runs if the girls get into x school. I don't know why you think we can do this because we can't - and won't - commit to anything like that. It's really not going to work as far as we're concerned so please don't rely on us to share that kind of responsibility.

I like this message. This is one of those times when it is more polite to be direct (and to tell them early).

Sooner rather than later. Just imagine the fall out if they do get in and you say no then, when it’s too late.