Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big argument with DP. Who is being unreasonable?

140 replies

Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:11

DP and I have just had an argument.

I'll give some context to it.

Been together 9 years. Engaged for 5. Mentioned marriage this evening. Not for the first time but it hasn't been mentioned for ages.

Basically it ended with us saying that we won't ever actually get married. DP wants a wedding and I don't.

DP won't get married without his family present.

I have anxiety and low self esteem. The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

We both have small families. DP has eleven relatives (including children from his previous marriage) that he would want there and who he is close to.

Besides my mother, I have some aunties and uncles and a few cousins. I don't see or maintain contact with any of them. So the grand total of relatives I'd be inviting is 1. My mum. That's it. The only family on my side. And for reasons unrelated she wouldn't come.

I also see getting married about the two of us and not anyone else.

I could probably add a load more about our previous conversations and issues surrounding marriage but it would be really long. Eg. DP being married before, a very shitty engagement and so on.

But the gist of this argument is about wedding v marriage.

So who is being unreasonable here?

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

OP posts:
SapphOhNo · 19/11/2023 23:13

It's a tough one.

The registry office/meal seems relatively low key and minimal attention. Can you truly not do this?

Octavia64 · 19/11/2023 23:14

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

Both of you could compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

margotrose · 19/11/2023 23:15

Didn't you post about this the other day? There was (or is) an almost identical thread running.

If neither of you can compromise over one day then it's probably best you don't get married, tbh.

Peppermint81 · 19/11/2023 23:15

What about registry office with just your parents, whether 1 or 2?
Then drinks/food spread at your house after?

Need to do something after the ceremony, or it won't be memorable at all!

SausageMonkey2 · 19/11/2023 23:16

coykd you do all parents? No need to get dressed up. Sign the forms, go to your favourite restaurant and be done.

Octavia64 · 19/11/2023 23:16

So for example you could do the registry office with his 11 relatives but then him and his 11 relatives go out for the meal and you go home to chill.

Maddy70 · 19/11/2023 23:17

Yabu. You Need treatment for your anxiety as its impacting on your lives

Original poster
Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:17

Octavia64 · 19/11/2023 23:14

Neither of you are being unreasonable.

Both of you could compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

It just feels like there isn't a compromise.

A few years ago, I didn't mind the idea of a low key wedding and celebrating, in fact, I got quite excited about the prospect, but things have changed, our relationship has changed and I've changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:17

margotrose · 19/11/2023 23:15

Didn't you post about this the other day? There was (or is) an almost identical thread running.

If neither of you can compromise over one day then it's probably best you don't get married, tbh.

No never posted about this before.

OP posts:
ForensicFlossy · 19/11/2023 23:18

You could scale the ceremony down, for example you don't need to walk down the aisle. You could already be in room.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/11/2023 23:19

Your relationship has changed? In what way?

Bbq1 · 19/11/2023 23:20

Octavia64 · 19/11/2023 23:16

So for example you could do the registry office with his 11 relatives but then him and his 11 relatives go out for the meal and you go home to chill.

That would be so bizare to celebrate the wedding without the bride. I say it kindly Op, you need some help for your anxiety.

margotrose · 19/11/2023 23:20

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

Having my parents at my wedding was really important to me. I wouldn't have wanted to marry DH if he didn't respect and understand that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2023 23:22

A few years ago, I didn't mind the idea of a low key wedding and celebrating, in fact, I got quite excited about the prospect, but things have changed, our relationship has changed and I've changed.

What changed?

TLDRfuckers · 19/11/2023 23:22

It kinda sounds like you only want it to be your way or the highway, any chance of compromise?

Sockmate123 · 19/11/2023 23:22

Peppermint81 · 19/11/2023 23:15

What about registry office with just your parents, whether 1 or 2?
Then drinks/food spread at your house after?

Need to do something after the ceremony, or it won't be memorable at all!

This, this is a good compromise! Could you invite a couple of friends from 'your' side if not close to family?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 19/11/2023 23:23

I had the same agreement with a boyfriend. It never happened.

FiveWordsWillDoNotEightyFive · 19/11/2023 23:23

if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

but you could flip that and say if you really wanted to marry him, it wouldn’t matter if anyone else was there.

I definitely read this exact same scenario the other night.

margotrose · 19/11/2023 23:25

FiveWordsWillDoNotEightyFive · 19/11/2023 23:23

if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

but you could flip that and say if you really wanted to marry him, it wouldn’t matter if anyone else was there.

I definitely read this exact same scenario the other night.

I'm glad it's not just me - I've definitely read this before!

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 19/11/2023 23:26

I think YABU. He wants your marriage to be witnessed, that’s not a lot to ask.

Original poster
Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:27

BitOutOfPractice · 19/11/2023 23:19

Your relationship has changed? In what way?

When we first got together, I was young and it was my first relationship. I had all these ideas and plans which I talked to DP about.

I made it clear I wanted to get married. I wanted a wedding with friends and family. I wanted a child. Maybe two. Max. But I wanted to be married first.

DP said he didn't rate marriage much and thought it was pointless but if it was what I wanted then we would get married at some point. But he was never ready. I let it go. I kept letting it go. But I was desperate to see some commitment, so form of demonstration of his love.

One night he said he was ready to have a child. I didn't understand how he could commit to that but still not be ready for marriage. I saw children as a far greater commitment. But I was so desperate for his commitment I agreed. I wanted to be married first but I wanted commitment and I wanted children one day anyway.

So, we had a child. Still no signs of marriage. Then he forgot our anniversary and proposed because I was upset. He swore he was planning it for a few weeks later anyway but that was always going to be hard to believe. He did then propose properly a few weeks later but looking back I can barely remember that. I can only remember the upset and the spur of the moment proposal.

We then talked about weddings and marriage, the when, what, etc. Nothing ever came of it. He never seemed to engaged in the convos. Life got in the way, we didn't have much money. And since then I've sort of made peace with the fact that we won't get married. Convinced myself I didn't want to.

But we've gotten a lot closer, lately. And in my head the idea re-emerged.

OP posts:
Lovemychair · 19/11/2023 23:27

What has changed, if you were ok with a small wedding before, why don't you want one now?

Heatwavenotify · 19/11/2023 23:28

Have you ever been out for a family meal? If you’ve never managed a family meal then it’s about your anxiety. If you have, then perhaps subconsciously you are putting obstacles in the way because you don’t really want to get married but don’t want to admit to it.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 19/11/2023 23:29

He doesn't want to get married at all by the sounds of your update. You've already had a baby with him. There's no reason for him to think he needs to now.

Original poster
Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:29

Heatwavenotify · 19/11/2023 23:28

Have you ever been out for a family meal? If you’ve never managed a family meal then it’s about your anxiety. If you have, then perhaps subconsciously you are putting obstacles in the way because you don’t really want to get married but don’t want to admit to it.

My anxiety mostly manifests as health anxiety. Which I'm medicated for.

I just hate the spotlight. Do family meals out regularly. Function normally, work, shopping, kids, etc. Unaffected by anxiety.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread