Big argument with DP. Who is being unreasonable?

[Elentwelvedoc]

DP and I have just had an argument.

I'll give some context to it.

Been together 9 years. Engaged for 5. Mentioned marriage this evening. Not for the first time but it hasn't been mentioned for ages.

Basically it ended with us saying that we won't ever actually get married. DP wants a wedding and I don't.

DP won't get married without his family present.

I have anxiety and low self esteem. The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

We both have small families. DP has eleven relatives (including children from his previous marriage) that he would want there and who he is close to.

Besides my mother, I have some aunties and uncles and a few cousins. I don't see or maintain contact with any of them. So the grand total of relatives I'd be inviting is 1. My mum. That's it. The only family on my side. And for reasons unrelated she wouldn't come.

I also see getting married about the two of us and not anyone else.

I could probably add a load more about our previous conversations and issues surrounding marriage but it would be really long. Eg. DP being married before, a very shitty engagement and so on.

But the gist of this argument is about wedding v marriage.

So who is being unreasonable here?

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

I was going to say something similar to this.

You seem resentful of the fact he has relatives he would want to share this with and you don’t. He isn’t BU because it’s totally usual to want to get married with your closest relatives and friends there to watch so he’s the ‘normal’ one here for wanting that. You’re probably incompatible.

This just gets worse. You sound utterly joyless about the whole thing, and he’ll ‘reward’ you by marrying you IF you get a job.

And I know times are tight but won’t people give a contribution to the wedding, so it doesn’t cost much? You’re not exactly pushing the boat out on numbers. Will you buy yourself something nice to wear?

Seriously? Honestly, he’s an idiot. He’s making you jump through hoops for something he apparently wants and he knows is important to you. it’s controlling and manipulative.
Have you ever had close friends? What about hobbies and things you do for yourself? I don’t think you should marry him until you have a support network of your own and are still sure it is what you want to do. You sound quite isolated and therefore vulnerable.

If you read OP’s posts you will see that as she is currently employed, money is tight and so they cannot afford a wedding. She needs to get that job so that they can physically afford to marry.

Him wanting them to have the money needed to get married does not make him an idiot, controlling or manipulative?

But we are only talking pub lunch for 13 people, and the registry fee! A dress, a bouquet. £500, max?

Cost of registry £57, marriage cert £10. I'm sure he already has a suit. Dress for you £x. Room hire £200. You can get a pair of gold rings for £100. Upgrade at 5y anniversary.

I'm sure if you said "dear 15 family members, we want to get married. We've found a pretty country pub that does groups. For a set menu including drinks they are saying £50 per person. Would you mind paying per person instead of getting us a gift, otherwise we would not be able to afford it this year.

Then if you said, "DP can you get outfits for dgc instead of a gift." They would.

The only big cost is your dress, and that is how much you want it to be.

His thirteen guests.

So the wedding you want is £67. He wants 13 guests and a meal, so you need to get a better job?

Hmm. I’m not keen on that.

He sounds like he likes you when you are desperate. He likes your vulnerability and is reliant upon that to not give you the one thing that you want. He’s playing you and you are letting him.

Why do you want to marry someone that is very transparent about not feeling the same way?

There is a lot more to it than just a wedding or marriage dispute, it almost seems like a red herring and/or a lost ideal of what your relationship should have been.
From what you are saying, you (both) want to move forward, you should try couple therapy to really talk about all those things you mentioned and those mistakes that were made, and close that chapter.

Let me break it down, for a registry office wedding based on my area (we got married recently and considered this option).

Assuming a Saturday wedding to allow friends/family to attend:

• Notice of marriage £70 (£35 per person
• Basic ceremony fee £57
• Registry office suite fee £364 (for the saturday, mon-fri is £293 so not much cheaper)
• Marriage certificate £11

so there’s £501 JUST for the legal bit.

Then a dress, even a cheap second hand wedding dress, maybe £50? Probably more but lets go with £50. Shoes/jewellery if wanted is more money.

A suit for him, probably £100 ish?

Wedding rings for both people, if done VERY cheaply £100 altogether for 2 rings that will give green fingers.

Bouquet and button holes? £70 min.

Wedding cake?

A meal for 13 people, even at a wetherspoons is going to be £130 ish.

And that’s doing everything cheap as possible. Not everybody wants to do that and it’s absolutely fine to want a lovely wedding day celebration with family and friends. There’s nothing at all unreasonable about that.

I think I cross posted so did not see that most recent one.
but nonetheless, if you read OP’s posts, she also said previously he said they needed to save, no saving happened.
There is a world of difference in saying ‘we can get married if you get a job’ and ‘I am so happy that you agreed to my family coming, let’s work out how we can make that happen’ and then sitting down to do that.
As it reads to me, OP getting a job is just another condition on it. What if she doesn’t get the job? Is it going to be her fault they are not married?

OP has said money is tight- it is impossible to save when money is tight.

I wouldn't have a dress. Just a t shirt and trousers. So wouldn't have that expense. No bouquet or anything like that.

Literally just us in everyday clothes at the registry office followed by a bog standard family meal.

Do you have to have a registry office suite?

Once Upon a time I wanted a church wedding! How things have changed...

DH vetoed that years ago. He doesn't do churches.

That is the fee for the room at the registry office for your marriage.

I actually think YABU for not being willing to compromise. It doesn't have to be a big wedding. A meal afterwards with less than 20 people, is a small, no fuss wedding.
What would you prefer? Just popping into the registry office in your jeans, then doing the weekly supermarket shop afterwards? Is it because he's got more guests than you?

Glad to hear you’re functioning OK but in that case it does sound reasonable to allow some of his family (especially his children) to be there. I thought at first you meant that you wouldn’t be able to cope.

You don’t have to buy their food for them.

Lol tone deaf. Some people cant afford £500

Exactly. £500 may as well be £1 million when money is tight.

No she also wants that, but hasnt got it. Theres no "normal" about it. What you are referring to is it being common.

This all sounds pretty joyless to me. It’s not about having a wedding with all the trimmings, but where’s the happiness, excitement for the future etc in all this? It should be such a happy day regardless of what you have to spend etc. but you are making it sound as if you both think it’s a thing to be “ got through “

They've been engaged for years. If they haven't been able to put aside £20 a month towards getting married, neither of them are serious.

Sounds like focusing on yourself for the moment would be the best plan. Work on your self esteem. Maybe try and find some friends or reach out to extended family if possible?