Big argument with DP. Who is being unreasonable?

[Elentwelvedoc]

DP and I have just had an argument.

I'll give some context to it.

Been together 9 years. Engaged for 5. Mentioned marriage this evening. Not for the first time but it hasn't been mentioned for ages.

Basically it ended with us saying that we won't ever actually get married. DP wants a wedding and I don't.

DP won't get married without his family present.

I have anxiety and low self esteem. The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

We both have small families. DP has eleven relatives (including children from his previous marriage) that he would want there and who he is close to.

Besides my mother, I have some aunties and uncles and a few cousins. I don't see or maintain contact with any of them. So the grand total of relatives I'd be inviting is 1. My mum. That's it. The only family on my side. And for reasons unrelated she wouldn't come.

I also see getting married about the two of us and not anyone else.

I could probably add a load more about our previous conversations and issues surrounding marriage but it would be really long. Eg. DP being married before, a very shitty engagement and so on.

But the gist of this argument is about wedding v marriage.

So who is being unreasonable here?

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

I think from my perspective, we should have married years and years ago. Before we even had our son. But after that, I was still excited and tried planning, etc. But nothing ever came to fruition.

Now, we a have mortgage, kids, go on holidays, etc. This was the future I was looking forward to after marriage but we already have it. So for me now, a big celebration is pointless and I just want us to be married legally and so we all have the same name.

What do you count as a compromise? He is compromising. a registry office with only family in attendance is a massive compromise compared to a full ceremony/drinks/food/party etc.

Hmmn reading your op, I would bet on him being a factor in your anxiety
He's moving the goalposts and placing conditions
Good luck job hunting but please think carefully if he is who you want
You don't sound happy to me

I was in you position a few years ago. We compromised by getting married at a registry office midweek. We invited only the closest friends/family. If someone couldn’t come then, meh.

We made it clear to everyone that after the ceremony we were going straight on our honeymoon. On the day: we got married, took a few photos, then left for the AirPort.

We had a celebration a few weeks after the honeymoon. We threw a party and both had a great time.

A register office wedding is over in no time, suck it up end just do it if you genuinely want to marry this man. Then compromise with what you do after. Personally, the thought of a meal with family was the worst idea in the world so we just didn’t do it.

Whatever you do afterwards, do it together. Neither of you will enjoy the day (or look back on your it fondly) if you go your seperate ways after the ceremony.

Also (side note for dealing with input from others) if you did not have a say in someone’s wedding day, then they don’t get a say in yours. Fullstop.

Totally agree.

But OP has said that she at one point wanted a church etc, it was her "d"p that vetoed that.

He's constantly putting conditions on their wedding plans, the latest being her getting a job!

If you factor in nothing but the cost of giving notice, the venue (register office/town hall) and the actual marriage certificate it costs about £500. OP has said they go on holidays etc, have a mortgage, realistically they can save some money each month towards it if they can't afford it straight away. But her "d"p hasn't proposed this, he's put the onus on her to get a job or it won't happen.

I can completely understand why she feels the way she does.

I'm sorry, OP, but he doesn't want to marry you. I think you already knew that, though. I don't think you really want to marry him, either.

You do not need to spend hundreds of pounds on a wedding suite at the register office if it is just going to be you and two witnesses.

For examples in my city, you can have a basic wedding in the 'statutory room' for you plus four guests/witnesses for £57. https://www.bristol.gov.uk/the-old-council-house/wedding-and-civil-ceremonies

As far as I can see, the only other fees you might have to pay are optional, eg a £30 booking fee if you book the venue before giving notice, or £11 for extra certificates. https://www.bristol.gov.uk/residents/births-deaths-marriages/marriages-and-civil-partnerships/guide-to-planning-your-ceremony

I presume all register offices should have a similar option available, as so many people have a ceremony elsewhere that is not legally valid (humanist etc) so just need a bare-bones legal one at the register office.

I’m sorry, OP. He’s an arse. He’s moved the goalposts multiple times, always making sure you don’t get what you want. He has what he wants.

If you wanted to split up, right now, what would belong to you? Is the house in joint names? How old are the children?

Work out what protection marriage gives you- it’s partly about resources of you split up, but also about security if one of you dies. You aren’t his next of kin, there could be problems there.

Please look into your legal position. Some of it can be sorted out without marrying- a will for example. Some of it would be sorted automatically if you marry.

But please discreetly check it out.

I totally agree with you this should have happened years ago, and just making it happen now in a way that is a compromise for both of you is an important thing to make happen.

Go with the ultra-simple day as set out by @Mrsttcno1 - to clarify, the "suite" fee means what they will charge you for use of one of their rooms so your 11 guests can attend. You could skip that if you went for '2 witnesses only' and did it in an office but the upgrade from that is one of the compromises you will be naking towards what DP wants.

Surely your invite can explain to the guests that you want this to be as low-key as possible and to please just see it as a fun family gathering, and that @Elentwelvedoc would rather just enjoy the day as part of the crowd rather than the focus of attention and to please respect that and not expect much in the way of traditional bridal trappings.

You don't have to wear a wedding dress, or any dress. Wear what yoi would wear to a nice family gathering party at a good restaurant. Make the event be mainly about having a nice family gathering party at a good restaurant. You'll just be gathering for 20 minutes beforehand to do some legal stuff that is important for making you and DP legally each other's next-of-kin etc which is a key part of bekng oart of the same family. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

13 at supper. I can't say I'm surprised

He definitely definitely wants us to get married.

You say this but then say in other places say he is disengaged, never talks about it.

I think he definitely doesn't want to get married. Digging his heels in over wanting the type of wedding you don't want is a way of avoiding it. If you acquiesced and agreed to what he wanted, he'd find another blocker.

I think that if even a register office and a meal with immediate family is too much for you to cope with, your anxiety is something that needs treatment.

I wouldn't want a 'wedding' type wedding at all. I don't really like being the centre of attention and I also hate organising things. But I could certainly cope with saying some words in a room with my partner and then having a meal with immediate family.

I think if you literally can't manage to have a meal with your in-laws, then you are at a point where your anxiety is ruling not only your life but also your partner's.

Marriage is about both of you, so it's not unreasonable that your partner would like at least a reasonable compromise over the wedding itself. He really isn't asking much of you.

I feel he is compromising by offering a small registry office ceremony and a meal. This is what my husband and I did and I also hate to be the centre of attention. A meal is great as there is no head tables, everyone is ordering and chatting etc. within 2 hours it's finished and we all parted ways. The social aspect of the day was a total of 3 hours... the rest of the day is yours to spend with your husband

I'm sorry OP...but this is how it looks to me as well.