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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big argument with DP. Who is being unreasonable?

140 replies

Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:11

DP and I have just had an argument.

I'll give some context to it.

Been together 9 years. Engaged for 5. Mentioned marriage this evening. Not for the first time but it hasn't been mentioned for ages.

Basically it ended with us saying that we won't ever actually get married. DP wants a wedding and I don't.

DP won't get married without his family present.

I have anxiety and low self esteem. The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

We both have small families. DP has eleven relatives (including children from his previous marriage) that he would want there and who he is close to.

Besides my mother, I have some aunties and uncles and a few cousins. I don't see or maintain contact with any of them. So the grand total of relatives I'd be inviting is 1. My mum. That's it. The only family on my side. And for reasons unrelated she wouldn't come.

I also see getting married about the two of us and not anyone else.

I could probably add a load more about our previous conversations and issues surrounding marriage but it would be really long. Eg. DP being married before, a very shitty engagement and so on.

But the gist of this argument is about wedding v marriage.

So who is being unreasonable here?

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

OP posts:
YerArseInParsley · 20/11/2023 04:30

user1492757084 · 20/11/2023 03:47

I thought Meghan Markle was the only person who had only one relative worth sharing any celebration with!!
You both sound like you have been stubborn or selfish over time about the wedding/committment.

Could you compromise.
Unless you do then you will not get married.

You could plan a wedding but make it a surprise to all the guests.

Invite people to your child's Christening or something.
Book a hotel venue for a special meal before the Christening with all the family and meet at the hotel.
An MC invites every one out to the garden (or to the registry office or church next door) for a wedding.
Get married, eat, dance, laugh and share the joy. Your family will be happy for you. MC has written a speech, a toast.

You guys respond with thanks for every one for coming.

Ask your family to post you any photos they took.
.. Happily ever after ...

Have you read the post? Op doesn't want to get married with anyone there. I don't understand your idea of pretending to invite people to a christening?

monsteramunch · 20/11/2023 05:05

user1492757084 · 20/11/2023 03:47

I thought Meghan Markle was the only person who had only one relative worth sharing any celebration with!!
You both sound like you have been stubborn or selfish over time about the wedding/committment.

Could you compromise.
Unless you do then you will not get married.

You could plan a wedding but make it a surprise to all the guests.

Invite people to your child's Christening or something.
Book a hotel venue for a special meal before the Christening with all the family and meet at the hotel.
An MC invites every one out to the garden (or to the registry office or church next door) for a wedding.
Get married, eat, dance, laugh and share the joy. Your family will be happy for you. MC has written a speech, a toast.

You guys respond with thanks for every one for coming.

Ask your family to post you any photos they took.
.. Happily ever after ...

How is that a compromise considering OP says the below?

The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/11/2023 05:14

When we first got together, I was young and it was my first relationship. I had all these ideas and plans which I talked to DP about

Is there an age gap here? You say he has children from his previous marriage, but he’s your first relationship.

It all sounds a bit miserable now. I can’t work out what your main issue is, that he wants his meagre family there or that you think he’s pretending and is using that to delay, knowing it’s ’too much’ for you.

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 06:26

It's just a registry visit and then a meal with his family- does your anxiety really restrict you to the point this isnt possible?

Your child will be there so you will have a relative in attendance.

If I was you and I really wanted to be married I'd pop a Valium and get on with it. It's an hour or two and it probably won't be as bad as you think.

I'd ask DP to word his family up prior so no fuss is made.

I had a massive wedding for the sake of my family. DH and I both HATE being the centre of attention. We hacked this by asking the cheekiest children we knew to be in the bridal party- it worked a treat- everyone was looking at them because they were adorable and hilarious and out of control.

How old is your child? Buy them an adorable outfit and load them up with sugar- no one will look twice at you.

NumberTheory · 20/11/2023 06:53

Why don’t you have any friends to invite? Have they all fallen away as you’ve become less confident?

It sounds to me as though his lack of interest in getting married over the years (and possibly other ways he’s treated you) has left you feeling a bit worthless and unsure of yourself. Is marrying him actually a good idea? You say it’s your only relationship - is it possible you’ve settled for someone who doesn’t treat you that well, where things are a bit one sided? Have you considered getting yourself some counseling to try and work out where your confidence has gone and what you can do to rebuild it.

willWillSmithsmith · 20/11/2023 06:56

Octavia64 · 19/11/2023 23:16

So for example you could do the registry office with his 11 relatives but then him and his 11 relatives go out for the meal and you go home to chill.

That would be very weird to go to the meal without the person you just married.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/11/2023 07:07

I’m a bit worried about you! It sounds like it’s been a difficult relationship, with him calling the shots and you having to fall into line.

It sounds like he’s manipulating things so it’s always your fault.

On a practical level, what’s in it for you both now? Are their inheritance implications, is it financially most beneficial for him or for you to marry?

If it is in your interests to marry, could you do so in a private ceremony with just parents but have a meal with guests afterwards?

I’m not sure finding a way that works is in your interests, to be honest. I feel it may just give him another opportunity to disappoint you.

It gives him so much power, repeatedly offering and then backing out of marriage.

💐

Sparkletastic · 20/11/2023 07:10

You don't sound very happy with your life OP.

CommonOrNot · 20/11/2023 07:20

Oh fgs. Yabu.

Laurdo · 20/11/2023 07:24

Maddy70 · 19/11/2023 23:17

Yabu. You Need treatment for your anxiety as its impacting on your lives

This. If your anxiety is so bad you can't be in a room and enjoy a meal with a dozen family members then you need to seek help. Especially since only a year ago you were excited by the prospect. Why didn't you do it a year ago? Why has it taken all this time to get married? Obviously not a money thing since you aren't planning a big wedding.

Zanatdy · 20/11/2023 07:29

Well I can understand his upset about getting married without family present as most people want a parent there. If it’s anxiety stopping you then you’re not being unreasonable. It’s you who would be more at risk from not being married, especially if taking time off work or going part time. If I was in that situation I’d suck it up for the day and get married

Valerianandfoxglovesoup · 20/11/2023 07:35

I don't want to be cruel but I don't think I would be rushing to commit my life to someone who was unable to function at such a basic level. We all do things we hate, I hated my wedding, I have also had a few industry awards which were so painful for me but I needed the legal status of marriage for wills etc, and I wanted the recognition and promotion. In fact, I would be far more comfortable not working at all, it's really stressful but it's just life. In the UK, anxiety seems to be a job title rather than something we want to overcome.

gannett · 20/11/2023 07:40

The most surprising aspect of the OP's updates is that she says she and her partner have gotten a lot closer recently. Because the heart of this AIBU seems to be the lingering resentment over his initial reluctance to get married and then the underwhelming proposal. It doesn't sound like the relationship is getting better, from the context.

OP says she would have been fine with a wedding all those years ago, but no longer is. She hasn't said her anxiety has got worse over the years, but the relationship has changed. It seems like at least one of them is playing games over the wedding/marriage. OP thinks her partner still doesn't want to marry her, and is thus suggesting a wedding she "can't" do in order to stay unmarried. At the same time she's weaponising her anxiety to veto a wedding (that she would have been able to do in the past) because she doesn't trust him.

Absolutely none of this is healthy! I have no idea whether OP is right to be mistrustful but the levels of deception she assumes of her partner, and the second-guessing/game-playing she is a full part of herself, are not things anyone should go into marriage with. If the two of them can't untangle all of that, they shouldn't get married at all. (If the OP and her partner have indeed become closer, for reasons she hasn't given, that closeness should be the starting point to actually building some trust into this relationship.)

In light of all that I feel the nature of the wedding is actually a red herring. All I'll say on that front is that her partner's suggestion - low-key registry office with a handful of family members - usually IS the compromise. There isn't much of a compromise beyond that. But it's not actually the point, is it?

WiIIowT · 20/11/2023 07:41

I think YABU given that it seems to be more about you having no one from your side there. If you don't like attention you could just make sure everyone knows not to make any fuss of you, and just leave you to it.

Gazelda · 20/11/2023 07:43

Would you be ok if your DC were there?

Allfur · 20/11/2023 07:49

You get to be be married for the rest of your life, surely you can give him one day, marriage is about compromise

Arrivederla · 20/11/2023 07:54

pickledandpuzzled · 20/11/2023 07:07

I’m a bit worried about you! It sounds like it’s been a difficult relationship, with him calling the shots and you having to fall into line.

It sounds like he’s manipulating things so it’s always your fault.

On a practical level, what’s in it for you both now? Are their inheritance implications, is it financially most beneficial for him or for you to marry?

If it is in your interests to marry, could you do so in a private ceremony with just parents but have a meal with guests afterwards?

I’m not sure finding a way that works is in your interests, to be honest. I feel it may just give him another opportunity to disappoint you.

It gives him so much power, repeatedly offering and then backing out of marriage.

💐

This seems to me to be an interesting and insightful post.

Does it strike a chord with you, op?

Janeandme · 20/11/2023 08:18

gannett · 20/11/2023 07:40

The most surprising aspect of the OP's updates is that she says she and her partner have gotten a lot closer recently. Because the heart of this AIBU seems to be the lingering resentment over his initial reluctance to get married and then the underwhelming proposal. It doesn't sound like the relationship is getting better, from the context.

OP says she would have been fine with a wedding all those years ago, but no longer is. She hasn't said her anxiety has got worse over the years, but the relationship has changed. It seems like at least one of them is playing games over the wedding/marriage. OP thinks her partner still doesn't want to marry her, and is thus suggesting a wedding she "can't" do in order to stay unmarried. At the same time she's weaponising her anxiety to veto a wedding (that she would have been able to do in the past) because she doesn't trust him.

Absolutely none of this is healthy! I have no idea whether OP is right to be mistrustful but the levels of deception she assumes of her partner, and the second-guessing/game-playing she is a full part of herself, are not things anyone should go into marriage with. If the two of them can't untangle all of that, they shouldn't get married at all. (If the OP and her partner have indeed become closer, for reasons she hasn't given, that closeness should be the starting point to actually building some trust into this relationship.)

In light of all that I feel the nature of the wedding is actually a red herring. All I'll say on that front is that her partner's suggestion - low-key registry office with a handful of family members - usually IS the compromise. There isn't much of a compromise beyond that. But it's not actually the point, is it?

I agree with you. I think the op, who clearly has posted this before, is using the I’ve anxiety and don’t want your family there, as she knows it gives him a get out of jail with the wedding

easier to say he wants to marry her but she’s blocking it, rather than to admit or accept he doesn’t.

pickledandpuzzled · 20/11/2023 09:05

When you say you’ve got closer, OP, has he had a health scare or needed care?

And where is your DC in this?

Original poster
Elentwelvedoc · 20/11/2023 19:07

Told DH I would do registry office with family followed by a meal. He's happy with that and said if I get the job I've applied for, we can plan it for next year.

OP posts:
margotrose · 20/11/2023 19:12

Elentwelvedoc · 20/11/2023 19:07

Told DH I would do registry office with family followed by a meal. He's happy with that and said if I get the job I've applied for, we can plan it for next year.

So he's still placing conditions on it?

Honestly, please open your eyes.

FirstTime8717 · 20/11/2023 19:17

Given your last update, he absolutely has no intention of marrying you. Kick him and cut your losses. He's an arsehole and he's messing with your head.

No wonder you have low self esteem, a shitty man stringing you along for 9 years will do that to you.

Original poster
Elentwelvedoc · 20/11/2023 19:30

Well, I don't have a job at the moment so money is very tight. Hence why I need to have a job. Can't pay for it otherwise.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 20/11/2023 19:35

I don’t mean to be cruel, but it seems as though because you have no family/friends to invite or who would come, you are then depriving him of being able to have his family and friends there? Which is really very unfair.

BarryK3nt · 20/11/2023 19:36

That’s great then OP, good luck with getting the job