Big argument with DP. Who is being unreasonable?

[Elentwelvedoc]

DP and I have just had an argument.

I'll give some context to it.

Been together 9 years. Engaged for 5. Mentioned marriage this evening. Not for the first time but it hasn't been mentioned for ages.

Basically it ended with us saying that we won't ever actually get married. DP wants a wedding and I don't.

DP won't get married without his family present.

I have anxiety and low self esteem. The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

We both have small families. DP has eleven relatives (including children from his previous marriage) that he would want there and who he is close to.

Besides my mother, I have some aunties and uncles and a few cousins. I don't see or maintain contact with any of them. So the grand total of relatives I'd be inviting is 1. My mum. That's it. The only family on my side. And for reasons unrelated she wouldn't come.

I also see getting married about the two of us and not anyone else.

I could probably add a load more about our previous conversations and issues surrounding marriage but it would be really long. Eg. DP being married before, a very shitty engagement and so on.

But the gist of this argument is about wedding v marriage.

So who is being unreasonable here?

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

This is a bit cryptic OP???

If you have changed your mind to the point where you can’t even have the lowest of low key weddings, then the reason why is probably relevant to any answers we give you.

I don’t think he’s asking too much actually, and agree you need help with anxiety if you can’t manage this.

From your update it sounds like you probably shouldn't marry at all,

The man I wanted to walk me down the 'aisle' is dead. I have no friends. No family besides my mother, who wouldn't attend anyway.

I'd be happy to go to the registry office with two witnesses of his choice followed by a relaxed family meal, but I think he wants everyone there at the registry office, too.

He's adamant that he does. But it doesn't feel like it. There's always a reason why we can't sit down properply to discuss wedding plans. Some reason why this year won't work, next year won't, why this month won't work or that month. No money, etc.

But no, that's me being insecure. He definitely definitely wants us to get married.

So because you have no longer have anyone you want to share a wedding with, you don't want your DP to have his family there?

You would have put aside your anxiety when there was something in it for you, but now there's not, you won't.

Wow.

Hang on a sec.

You say he has children from his previous relationship and I'm guessing they wouldn't be of legal age to witness, meaning you'd be denying him the opportunity to have his children there and just choose two of his family members at the registry office?

You need to budge a bit I'm afraid. Eleven relatives is barely anything. Ask if he can cut it to immediate family, siblings, mum and dad and kids, but I don't think it's fair to ask more than that.

No big dress, no aisle, just the formalities and a quick wedding followed by a meal or a spread done by either you or some caterers at home?

Otherwise you'll be in a stalemate forever.

Sorry but this sounds like a huge fuss about nothing which I am sure you could manage if you really wanted to.

You can manage family meals out and it sounds like you could potentially limit guests to less than twenty.

Loads of people don't much like being in the spotlight. It's not "anxiety" it's just normal bashfulness. You can manage it for one day. Once it's over relax and get on with your life. Everyone has to do something they are a bit nervous about sometimes.

Well it doesn’t exactly sound like he’s demanding a huge wedding does it? Just his close family members. So he’s probably already compromising, I think you need to do the same.

There's an awful lot about you and your wants and needs in all this, and not much about your partner.

You've been together for 9 years, you live together, you have DC together. A quick registry office and a meal with his family will not put you at the centre of attention.

It just won't. No matter what way you look at it, it's just a formal bit and then some food.

But if you don't want that and you can't both think of a compromise (I can't either to be honest as he's not asking for the world), then I guess you should just both forget it.

But I'd be really pissed off if the person I love wouldn't agree to a very quick wedding in a room and a bite to eat with my family.

He doesn't want to get married.

These are all just stalling tactics. Call his bluff. Say you'll do it his way and watch him back pedal.

OK maybe I'm being unreasonable.

Just that he won't ever talk about getting married. It's always me that mentions it and tries to get the ball rolling on plans. If I hadn't mentioned it tonight, first time in probably over a year, then it probably wouldn't have ever been mentioned ever again. So I can't help but feel he doesn't actually want to despite the fact he says otherwise.

Well yes, what's the point in him sitting down to discuss it when you're basically asking that his family stand outside the office (aside from 2 people for legality) before they can finally go for something to eat.

It's 15 minutes in a panelled room to sign some paperwork.

There's a really simple compromise solution to this. Registry office with just the two of you as per your wishes, family meal afterwards as per his wishes.

If you cannot reach this compromise, then I don't believe that both of you actually really want to or should get married.

I kind of feel like this is what would happen.

I did once say yes to what he wanted (a long time ago, marriage has been discussed several times since then), and it was oh, but that'll be expensive so we'll need to save. No saving happened. No provisional date set. No concrete plans made. Never mentioned again until I brought it up months and months later.

I'll try it. Tomorrow I'll agree and see what he says.

You're the one who sounds like they don't want to, to me anyway.

It's all about you. You'll allow two people of his choice into the registry office but no more.

The others have to meet you at the restaurant.

It sounds like you're putting up ridiculous hurdles, not him.

I suggest you get some therapy. This will be impacting your life in more ways than the wedding situation. If you have kids now or in the future this level of social anxiety will cause you all sorts of pain without therapy.

My comment was in relation to previous times when I was initially open and excited at the prospect of a wedding and planning, and not just two people in a registry office.

So what's the problem now?

Why not just go to the office, allow his family in, do the formalities and then go for something to eat?

Honestly, you've probably waited longer for a bus.

Out of interest, why wouldn’t your mum attend?

I'll suggest this to him and see what happens. I suppose I could that.

But I can't help but feel that he'll find some kind of reason to put it off.

Have you thought about going abroad? That can be low key with just the two of you? He might go for that?

She's an alcoholic with agoraphobia who won't even leave the house to get food shopping.

She also hates weddings and said she won't go to weddings (predating the agraphobia) I asked if she would make an exception for mine and she said no.

Good idea, at least this way you'll know if he wants to or not.

But if he does, you'll have to manage your anxiety.

Good luck

He wouldn't do anything without his family there to see it.

Thank you. (: