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AIBU?

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Original poster

Big argument with DP. Who is being unreasonable?

140 replies

Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:11

DP and I have just had an argument.

I'll give some context to it.

Been together 9 years. Engaged for 5. Mentioned marriage this evening. Not for the first time but it hasn't been mentioned for ages.

Basically it ended with us saying that we won't ever actually get married. DP wants a wedding and I don't.

DP won't get married without his family present.

I have anxiety and low self esteem. The last thing on earth I'd want is to be centre of attention. I want to be legally married. I want us to be husband and wife. I just don't want a wedding.

DP does. Even if it's registry office with family followed by a meal with family. I don't even want this. It's too much for me.

We both have small families. DP has eleven relatives (including children from his previous marriage) that he would want there and who he is close to.

Besides my mother, I have some aunties and uncles and a few cousins. I don't see or maintain contact with any of them. So the grand total of relatives I'd be inviting is 1. My mum. That's it. The only family on my side. And for reasons unrelated she wouldn't come.

I also see getting married about the two of us and not anyone else.

I could probably add a load more about our previous conversations and issues surrounding marriage but it would be really long. Eg. DP being married before, a very shitty engagement and so on.

But the gist of this argument is about wedding v marriage.

So who is being unreasonable here?

I just figured if he really wanted to marry me it wouldn't matter if anyone else was present or not.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 20/11/2023 00:01

Honestly I think YABU.

It would be extremely hurtful to his DC not to be there. Having parents and siblings is very normal.

If you don’t want to be the centre of attention can you rejigger sone of the standard things that happen at weddings eg entering separately to the guests, exiting separately, photos, speeches. Would that make it better?

WallaceinAnderland · 20/11/2023 00:05

Before you speak to him, check what dates the registry office is available and check which local pub/restaurant is available and how much it all costs so that you can marry in the morning and go for lunch with his family.

Then you can present him with exactly what he wants.

I still think he will decline but at least you will know for sure that he doesn't want to marry you.

Rachie1973 · 20/11/2023 00:06

It’s like you’re punishing him for the proposal or something.

Theres no ‘give’ in you and it sounds (I hate to use the term) whiny.

I’m not sure there’s any point in sitting down and discussing it with you as there’s not really much to discuss.

Mejustme3 · 20/11/2023 00:06

Just have a very private wedding and then have lunch with your family.

JustWimpy · 20/11/2023 00:06

It doesn't sound like he wants to get married. Even when you agreed to the kind of wedding he wanted, he didn't mention it again.

Energeticsnail · 20/11/2023 00:07

You can not let anxiety rule your life that is not normal, you need some help with that.

However you partner is unreasonable, marriage is just about the two of you.

Rachie1973 · 20/11/2023 00:09

Energeticsnail · 20/11/2023 00:07

You can not let anxiety rule your life that is not normal, you need some help with that.

However you partner is unreasonable, marriage is just about the two of you.

I disagree when there are children.

spookehtooth · 20/11/2023 00:09

Maybe neither of you are unreasonable? Two people can both be reasonable without being compatible, so you both have to figure out what you can give up to reach an agreement.

I'd be more like you, last wedding I was at it really sunk in how much I'd hate it. Not for any health/medical reasons, just everything about it isn't fun or nice to me. Just about get through it as a guest 🤣

GrannypantsMagee · 20/11/2023 00:11

You sound unreasonable about stipulations on the ceremony itself. That's not many people and it's not unreasonable for him to want his small family there, even if it's a little sad you won't have any on your side. It sounds like marriage has become such a big issue there is no way of making it enjoyable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2023 00:14

Don’t you want your own child there?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/11/2023 00:21

Quick register office and a meal with his 11 members of family sat all on the same table?
You have to compromise somewhere and if you can manage your anxiety to do things you want to do.
Compromise is extremely important in marriage
I had a register office wedding wearing casual clothing and a meal for 20 afterwards

thecatinthetwat · 20/11/2023 00:24

I’m going against the grain here to say, if my partner had no family to attend our wedding, I would at least consider eloping etc. then a dinner later to celebrate.

its a pretty shit situation, I’m surprised no one has any sympathy for the op here.

hope it works out op.

RubyWinehouse · 20/11/2023 00:24

Well for what it's worth, I'm getting married next year to my fiance of 11 years, and it will be just us and my son from my previous marriage and his son from his previous marriage too.

cassiatwenty · 20/11/2023 00:25

Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:34

The man I wanted to walk me down the 'aisle' is dead. I have no friends. No family besides my mother, who wouldn't attend anyway.

I'd be happy to go to the registry office with two witnesses of his choice followed by a relaxed family meal, but I think he wants everyone there at the registry office, too.

Blimey 😟

Canisaysomething · 20/11/2023 00:25

I had a tiny wedding and a meal after. It’s was exactly the same as going for a regular family meal but we all looked a bit smarter. No one was staring at me, no photographs, no speeches. If you can’t manage something like that then you really need help for your anxiety as a priority.

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/11/2023 00:26

I find it very sad that you don't have any friends. And perhaps a bit odd.

I hope you are happy with that though 💐

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/11/2023 00:37

@Elentwelvedoc She's an alcoholic with agoraphobia who won't even leave the house to get food shopping.

She also hates weddings and said she won't go to weddings (predating the agraphobia) I asked if she would make an exception for mine and she said no.

So you want to do to your DP what your DM is doing to you?

pizzaHeart · 20/11/2023 00:58

I can’t help thinking that it’s not about your anxiety, it’s about your frustration and disappointment that you still are not married and you blame your partner for this, rightly so by the way. So you have problems in your relationship and it affects your communication. I’m not surprised that you can’t find a compromise as you are discussing the wrong issue.
You want your DP to behave differently and show that he wants to marry you and takes this seriously. Atm it looks like he just wanted a kid at some point and now wants a celebratory meal with his family.
It’s just my feeling from your posts, I might be wrong of course.

BlueEyedPeanut · 20/11/2023 03:14

He doesn't want to get married. You could try telling him ok you'll have the wedding the way he wants, then see if he actually makes any effort, but I strongly doubt he will. Quite simply, if he wanted to marry you, he would.

YerArseInParsley · 20/11/2023 03:18

Elentwelvedoc · 19/11/2023 23:34

The man I wanted to walk me down the 'aisle' is dead. I have no friends. No family besides my mother, who wouldn't attend anyway.

I'd be happy to go to the registry office with two witnesses of his choice followed by a relaxed family meal, but I think he wants everyone there at the registry office, too.

Why don't you, like someone suggested already, be in the room before the guests arrive? At least you don't need to walk in and feel like people are looking at you. You could also ask to be seated so yous aren't standing up infront of everyone.

I think your husband only having 11 people is quite reasonable. You could also ask that guests be seated at the back of the room so they aren't right behind you. That could be your compromise.

Do you think that would be doable?

YerArseInParsley · 20/11/2023 03:24

Isittimeformynapyet · 20/11/2023 00:26

I find it very sad that you don't have any friends. And perhaps a bit odd.

I hope you are happy with that though 💐

I don't have any friends either and there's nothing odd about me.

I dumped my friends years ago, all they ever done was take from me or used me until something better comes along. I've been there for people but it's never given back. I would love friends but it's not easy making friends in your late 40s, besides I've come to the conclusion that I'll never get a decent friend, I'm only good for helping others when they need me.

junbean · 20/11/2023 03:28

Weddings have very little to do with marriage! I can't see how he's a good match for you if he can't understand your side of this. How will it be a good marriage if it's all his way or the highway? You won't have any guests! That alone is enough to plan something else, like an intimate ceremony for just the two of you. He can go have a party with his family later. Everything you mentioned is the opposite what a marriage is about. I would be thinking of other possible life paths besides staying with him...

Concannon88 · 20/11/2023 03:30

You are bot being unreasonable to not want a wedding. But he is not being unreasonable to want one. I think you'll have to leave the idea altogether and let the engagement go.

Concannon88 · 20/11/2023 03:34

That was a different poster, they had children together and other differences and hadn't had any conversations in the past about a wedding

user1492757084 · 20/11/2023 03:47

I thought Meghan Markle was the only person who had only one relative worth sharing any celebration with!!
You both sound like you have been stubborn or selfish over time about the wedding/committment.

Could you compromise.
Unless you do then you will not get married.

You could plan a wedding but make it a surprise to all the guests.

Invite people to your child's Christening or something.
Book a hotel venue for a special meal before the Christening with all the family and meet at the hotel.
An MC invites every one out to the garden (or to the registry office or church next door) for a wedding.
Get married, eat, dance, laugh and share the joy. Your family will be happy for you. MC has written a speech, a toast.

You guys respond with thanks for every one for coming.

Ask your family to post you any photos they took.
.. Happily ever after ...

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