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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

516 replies

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 20:39

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 19/11/2023 23:25

He raped you, Jesus I'm horrified he did that to you!
Get away from him and call the police.

I hope you are ok :(

CaramacFiend · 19/11/2023 23:26

He was out of order.

Maze76 · 19/11/2023 23:27

@Feelingsad192 If he cared about you he would not have done this to you. He placed more importance on his sexual gratification, before caring for you, before considering your needs .
Im sorry this has happened- but he has shown you exactly who he is - LTB

SwordToFlamethrower · 19/11/2023 23:27

CaroleSinger · 19/11/2023 20:50

No he essentially didn't. On what planet is putting her foot on his shoulder rape? Watering down rape leads to women not being believed.

Show quote history

Yes it is rape. At any point during consensual sex, a woman says "no don't do that" and he does it anyway, the second that happens, it is rape. The law is clear.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/11/2023 23:27

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2023 23:21

He said "Its not like I stabbed you"

But it is. That is exactly what he did.

He used his weapon of choice to cause you deliberate pain. Raping you was bad enough but to do it in such as way that he knew would cause you the most pain is ......I dont have the words.

I know that you are struggling to get your head around this you have been raped, and in a truly horrific way. I am a rape survivor and what I went through is nothing to what he has put you through, please believe me . Please ask for help, anyone with half a heart would be there for you and you absolutely would not be wasting police or WA time by calling them. Christ I would come and get you myself if I could.

Dont save up, dont wait out the contract,......just fucking RUN.

This a thousand times.

OP, he used his penis as a weapon to stab you with. He did it to punish you because you dared to demand some consideration during sex.

You are in denial right now. As kindly as possible, you need to snap out of that denial and get the hell out of that flat.

Theemeperorsnewclothes · 19/11/2023 23:27

I know what is going to happen here. He is going to come back and convince you that what went on wasn’t a big deal. Everyone that has given you advice is mad, over sensitive etc etc… you will question your reality. “He isn’t really that bad”….he’s done nice things for me before, we’ve shared some good times. He will gaslight you, you will gaslight yourself. Ask yourself. If someone had done this to your friend, your daughter, your niece, what would be your advice? Trust me. This personality type in a male does not need saving, does not need a second chance, does not need forgiveness. They need a strong kick in the nuts, and told to get to f&ck. Be the amazing woman that you are. You have called out the bullshit. Put as much distance between yourself and this piece of shit that you possibly can. Block them everywhere and never look back. There is a lovely life waiting for you if you take the steps to free yourself from this shit. It’s hard. But living this way will ultimately be much harder, for you, any children, any future children, and anyone connected. Go and live your life and get this no mark to f&ck ❤️

ChellyT · 19/11/2023 23:30

I'm sorry you have been hurt and are in pain. This is a form of abuse, sexual abuse. You said no, he over powered you and went for it anyway.
If you can't relax and be confident that your partner isn't going to hurt you in one of your most intimate states there really is no limit to what they could do to you.

Pthalo · 19/11/2023 23:31

Wow.

I would burn all his shit and change the locks, but that’s just me.

OP you don’t have to continue to live there, you really don’t. Call Women’s Aid and ask about a refuge place if you have no money. When he’s next out just get your stuff and go.

Please file a police report. What he did yo you was assault. It is not legal to deliberately hurt someone, it is a crome. And you know what happens to men who deliberately hurt women and get away with it? They do it again.

I know that you feel trapped by the rental contract. I don’t know who your landlord is but it might be worth explaining to them what has happened and then leave and stop paying your share of the rent. The ex can get a flatmate and sort it out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2023 23:36

@Feelingsad192

I want you to know something, in case you are worrying about it. It took me a long time to leave my abusive ex husband. Every time was an "isolated incident", every time he was either sorry or (more often) angry because he decided it was my fault, I tied myself up in knots over it. I posted many times on MN about it and each time the advice was the same, LEAVE, but I didnt and then I felt ashamed posting again so I would name change every time.

But dont be ashamed. It can take a while to understand that you are the victim of abuse and that what he is saying, and what you are telling yourself, is wrong. You will leave when you are ready. We will be here for you every single day until you are ready and we will help as much as we can.

I remember not being ready to hear the truth that was being told to me so I convinced myself I was wrong, other woman needed help more than I did etc. But then something happened and I realised that the MNers who had patiently waited for me, were right.

If that day isnt today for you, please dont stop posting. You have support here xxx

Original poster
Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 23:39

I don't believe that was rape?
He asked for doggy twice to which I said no and then he put my leg on his shoulder, I screamed and he walked out of the room.
I do agree it was abuse but not rape?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2023 23:42

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 23:39

I don't believe that was rape?
He asked for doggy twice to which I said no and then he put my leg on his shoulder, I screamed and he walked out of the room.
I do agree it was abuse but not rape?

Sweetheart, it was rape.

Would you have said yes if he had asked to put your leg on his shoulder and have sex with you in that way, knowing how much it would hurt you?

stillplentyofjunkinthetrunk · 19/11/2023 23:43

implied consent is a thing but you also mentioned that you always say no to this position because it hurts.

And he knows this, and did it on purpose knowing it would hurt.

So that's where the evil old mums of mumsnet are coming from but of course you form your own opinion.

Kittylala · 19/11/2023 23:44

Get your self respect back. And destroy his most prized possession!

WuTangGran · 19/11/2023 23:44

You were raped.

You need to leave.

If he says it won’t happen again, it’ll keep happening.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2023 23:44

And it was rape because he has ADMITTED that he knew you didnt want it but did it anyway to hurt and punish you.

Thats what makes it rape.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 19/11/2023 23:45

It is difficult to face that someone you have loved would commit this crime against you but it sounds like rape to me.

He hurt you when penetrating you - not by accident and not because he thought you wanted this. He knew it was against your will.

He hurt you to discipline you for arguing with him. Rape is use of sex as power in this way.

ClairDeLaLune · 19/11/2023 23:47

He hurt you on purpose, that’s assault. It’s a police matter.

If he was having sex with you when he forced your leg onto his shoulder then that’s rape, so that’s even worse.

Sweetheart, please call the police. They will remove him.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 19/11/2023 23:48

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 23:39

I don't believe that was rape?
He asked for doggy twice to which I said no and then he put my leg on his shoulder, I screamed and he walked out of the room.
I do agree it was abuse but not rape?

From your OP: so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful

From your own update: He just admitted that he did it on purpose because he was pissed off at me.

Read the legal definition of rape.

He put his penis in you, deliberately, which satisfies clause (a). He did so in a way that he knew you would not have consented to because of your endo, had he bothered to ask, satisfying clauses (b) and (c). And he did it on purpose, to hurt you as punishment, just in case you had any doubt.

He has raped you and you need to leave so that he cannot rape you again.

You are in denial right now. I understand that. I didn't call it rape at the time either.

The magic thing is that you don't have to accept it as rape in order to phone Women's Aid, because they will accept it as rape and they will help you.

So phone Women's Aid. Please.

Alias0023 · 19/11/2023 23:51

I am so sorry this happened. This is a huge red flag. Run.

Pinkbonbon · 19/11/2023 23:51

Feelingsad192 · 19/11/2023 23:39

I don't believe that was rape?
He asked for doggy twice to which I said no and then he put my leg on his shoulder, I screamed and he walked out of the room.
I do agree it was abuse but not rape?

Assault.

People saying rape would be right if he changed your position despite your protests and continued having sex with you. Because them still having sex with you after you say "no I don't want to have sex in that position" is technically rape.

But just flipping you over to hurt you, would be assault.

HoppingPavlova · 19/11/2023 23:53

Scratch my head at the 2% who voted OP was being unreasonable?

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2023 23:53

I am not sure that getting into semantics is terribly helpful right now.

He hurt her on purpose, whatever you want to call that, its not right and she need to escape.

Bangwam1 · 19/11/2023 23:54

Listen very carefully. This man has abused you, and is now abusing you further with silent treatment (look it up, it’s abusive) because you asked for mutual respect sexually.

Look up personality types such as narcissist personality. I only know from my own experiences and cannot say this about your partner, but if you recognise anything mentioned and you leave I may help one person.

CC222 · 19/11/2023 23:54

This is really not ok. He is fully aware of your medical situation which makes sexual positions limited at times, but he done something in that moment when he was feeling angry knowing full well if would physically hurt you. That’s violence. It’s sexual violence. And it’s abuse. And now he is gaslighting you, making you feel like you’ve done something wrong. This guy is an abuser. Please leave him. You will never be happy with him. He’s selfish, abusive and now violent too. Please leave him, you deserve so much better x

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