Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

[Feelingsad192]

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

just so you don't minimise it in your head. let's be real here- he ASSAULTED you. leave. now. there is no other solution.

next time it will be worse

He assaulted you and you are concerned he is upset? He has no concern that you are in pain. All he cares for is his own pleasure. Typical misogynist assuming women exist purely for their pleasure.

There is absolutely no happy future in this relationship. Get out before he completely destroys any shred of self respect you have.

actually feel sick reading your updates OP

please don't stay with your rapist. call women's aid. call social services. he needs to leave. you can apply for UC. there are options

The second you say no he should stop. Anything after that is assault and rape.
He has told you he hurt you deliberately.
If you’re still in pain you need to be examined at hospital and talk there about involving the police. Your LL is more likely to be sympathetic and either release you from the tenancy agreement or let you continue alone or flat share to share expenses. You don’t have to stay with him.

What a fucking animal, get him out of your life right away, right now.

He has no concern that you are in pain. All he cares for is his own pleasure. Typical misogynist assuming women exist purely for their pleasure.

It is arguably even worse, he did it as a punishment.

I swear to God if I had 5 minutes with this prick he'd soon understand.

This is a isolated incident and I think I'd be wasting womens aid/police time, there's no other abuse going on and I don't believe I'm in danger, there's other people that need that help more than me.

I agree he's an utter scumbag for what he did though and I will be leaving as soon I can save up enough

After reading OPs replies, I'm changing my answer to YABU.
You are being very unreasonable to stay OP, and your excuses are unsound.

You don’t have a relationship - you are someone's sadistic outlet. Would you be that for anyone who offers you a rental place? No. So why do it for him?

I left after a similar rape by my boyfriend. Plus, I had a toddler on hand and it was the chaos of the very first day of the Covid lockdown.

You "won't be having sex with him again"? WAKE UP! You're not safe.

@Feelingsad192 - you don’t really know whether this is an isolated incident - it’s just the first time he’s done it. But the fact that he was capable of doing this shows he is dangerous to you. I know you need to save up but do you have friends or family you could go to? He sounds very nasty.

He needs a warning tattooed on his forehead so no other woman goes near him in the future

You are never wasting our time at womens aid. Once is enough OP. He isn't even remorseful, big red flags all over.
This won't end well.
It is assault. Its abuse.

I hope you do manage to leave once you save enough money. Unfortunately, it also gives him time to hurt you again.

We all make decisions "on balance". But your scales are different from mine.

OP, have you told him you're not risking sex with him again?

He isn’t interested in your pleasure and doesn’t think you get a say in how sex goes - classic misogyny. But even worse he admits that he hurt you on purpose because he was angry with you! How can you really feel safe around him? What happens next time he gets annoyed with you? Then on top of that he turns it around and gets upset with you and has you walking on eggshells trying to work out what you’ve done wrong! You have to get out as soon as you can.

In your first post, you wrote: "he never makes an effort to finish me off". You later said that he told you that you don't decide how sex goes.

This isn't an "isolated incident". This is him escalating from using you as a wank sheath to raping you as punishment when you object to being used as a wank sheath.

This is escalation, you are not safe. On the previous page, someone said to call Women's Aid using the pronouns "we" and "us". A Women's Aid staffer or volunteer has implored you to phone Women's Aid. Won't you listen to her?

This is how it starts the one isolated incident.

You stay he’ll see it as a green light to really hurt you next time and there will be a next time and he’s playing down what he’s done as it’s sexual assault pure and simple.

leave now and there is places to go even if you’ve no funding woman’s aid will help and the police too and no it won’t be wasting there time either

this is serious

This is a difficult and sensitive issue. If you really think he wanted to hurt you, you have the answer above. If your are hurt but not sure it was intentional here is a dd:

He may be upset that he has hurt you. He may be upset because he is sexually frustrated.
Whether you decide to make the effort to reach an understanding with your BF or find a new one- You will need to have some clear boundaries.

It sounds like BF is looking to narrow the vaginal canal in leg over shoulder position/ more impact force from behind.

If he has a large penis this can be painful even without endo, and more so at some points in cycle. He will likely have this problem with another partner.

You may not be compatible or he may just be being a beast. Either way, a frank and honest conversation about your boundaries is required.

As no trust = no sex.

Did you even read the OP's updates? He admitted to deliberately sexually hurting her.

The only unreasonable thing you are doing is staying with a man who obviously either does not care about your pain, or (and I suspect this) actively enjoys it. The general pattern in people like this is that it gets worse.

My best advice is to get out now.

So if a man punches me in the face I shouldn't report it becayse it's an isolated incident?

Or is it justified if he's my partner and I told him what kind of sex I'd like, and he didn't like me saying that?

Op he needs to be in a jail cell.
He deliberately physically assaulted you.
Out of spite.

You keep saying you feel safe but, yesterday would you have thought he would assault you? Tomorrow, who knows what he could do.
You might feel safe there but you are not.

Call the police, give a full statement and don't back down at any point. They'll tell him to stay away from you and hopefully that'll give you time to leave him easier.

He said "Its not like I stabbed you"

But it is. That is exactly what he did.

He used his weapon of choice to cause you deliberate pain. Raping you was bad enough but to do it in such as way that he knew would cause you the most pain is ......I dont have the words.

I know that you are struggling to get your head around this you have been raped, and in a truly horrific way. I am a rape survivor and what I went through is nothing to what he has put you through, please believe me . Please ask for help, anyone with half a heart would be there for you and you absolutely would not be wasting police or WA time by calling them. Christ I would come and get you myself if I could.

Dont save up, dont wait out the contract,......just fucking RUN.

OP I think that the minimisation we can see from you of this really violent and horrific incident is perhaps indicative of a relationship where your feelings are repeatedly dismissed. Once you are out you are likely to see other ways he was abusive that you may not be able to see right now.

It's understandable - it's difficult to believe that someone who we once knew and loved isn't just a bit of a dick but is actually a violent abuser, especially when he is telling you that you are being over dramatic and we are all just posts on a forum.

You would not be wasting anyone's time. I can guarantee you that a lot of people posting on here, if you had their stories are people who you would put in the "need help more than me" category and I can guarantee that they are all horrified and shocked reading your post.

This really is abusive. Any professional agency you contacted would agree. Please try and let it sink in that he did not merely hurt you accidentally and neglect to be be careful enough. He knew that it would hurt you and did it anyway. A man doing that because he wanted sexual gratification and didn't care about you would be bad enough but I honestly think it is even worse than that. He did it to punish you for not obeying him in the bedroom. He raped you as punishment for not wanting to do a sex position that causes you pain. And then he admitted it and is now angry with you.

Please try to imagine what you would say if a friend or sister or daughter said this to you.

As a survivor, the first time always feels like an isolated incident. It isn’t.

You won’t be wasting women’s aid or police’s time. Even if he had just shoved you once, you wouldn’t be wasting their time. This is far more serious than that.

I wouldn’t risk implying you will break up with him, leave without him knowing if you can. If he did this because he was angry about no head and no doggy, I don’t want to think about what he would be capable of if he thought you were leaving him. I also wouldn’t tell him you weren’t going to sleep with him again, that would also be really dangerous in this situation. Just, as soon as physically possible, get out. Someone you know will be able to help you, women’s aid will be able to help you. This is for your own safety and wellbeing. You deserve someone who takes proper care of you, and if that has to be yourself for now, so be it.

OP you describe him as your boyfriend. He does not think of you as his girlfriend, to him you are a blow up doll with a pulse.

This is a isolated incident

For it to have been this violent perhaps. But it's not by any means the first instance of shit sex. What is he going to do next? If you say no more sex I would be afraid that he would rape you. If you do agree to sex, though God knows how you could ever do it with him again, what if he repeats the behaviour? And he will. He's told you by what he's done what sort of sex he wants. Rough and with absolutely no consideration for you. Your only purpose in sex, as far as he's concerned, is to give him pleasure.

You are not as safe as you are trying to convince yourself you are. Just because it's the first time doesn't give you a guarantee that it will be the last. In fact it makes it more likely that it will happen again. Once someone has broken that barrier for the first time, it becomes much easier to do again.

That's the myth love

Please talk to family and friends . If you can't face the authorities or women's aid - I get that

Where is your mum ? Can you talk to her ? Or your dad ? Siblings ? Friends ? You need to get out of there .