Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

[Feelingsad192]

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

He is upset with you because he's projecting and deflecting: he knows what he did was wrong, that he assaulted you with the deliberate intent to hurt.

If he can get you to minimise it then in his head he won't be yet another abusive man and he won't be guilty of a serious crime, which he is.

Do not minimise it to give into his tantrum and tears. Oh, I'm sure he'll turn on the waterworks at some point.

Whether you report it or not is entirely up to you and in spite of some replies you'll get, you do not have a responsibility to do so. The responsibility here is all his. The guilt is all his. None of this is your fault.

If you're safe to remain then you don't need to leave tonight and find a hotel or hotel but you do need to be careful and mindful of the risk to yourself given that he's shown a side of him which is about violent exertion of control without remorse.

If you're not safe to remain in his presence then I do advise you call the police, for your own protection & safety.

Speak to Womens Aid as soon as you can for advice on the safest way to extricate yourself from this relationship.

If you said no or stop and he carried on then it’s rape.

He did it deliberately knowing it would physically hurt you then it’s no different if he was punching and kicking you.

Believe me the police are called out for far far less. He needs a nasty scare and to understand that what he has done IS a big deal, despite his claims that it isn't. Take your power OP, and do it also for the other women he will encounter in the future. Women are so used to being treated shittily and to being subservient that if when they are quasi raped, they worry about making a fuss. I also recommend going forward that you take a self defence/martial art class -they are brilliant for self empowerment. You've had a very traumatic experience that will have left you feeling powerless on some level and I think they can really help, they did for me anyway.

If I've read your OP correctly it never got as far as him putting his penis into you, firstly because you said no (doggy) and then when he tried the leg on shoulder and you screamed he stomped off. So on a technicality no, he didn't rape you. The legal definition of rape is putting the penis into vagina, mouth or anus without consent.

So OK, it wasn't rape. But don't minimise how absolutely horrendous the assault was. I suspect you're already minimising because you think you have to stay with him for now and you couldn't do it if you actually faced up to what he did.

Run. Run now.

It never crossed my sister’s mind that she’d be a candidate for a refuge until a doctor picked up on a comment she made and recommended it to her. And if you’ve nowhere to go then a refuge is what you need.

It can just be temporary, you’ll soon be freeing a space up for someone else.

But surely you’ve noticed the tendency of abuse victims to minimise their own abuse? It’s a big thing…

which is why you really DON'T need to worry about him hassling you for money after you've left.

And why you have to leave. This behaviour only escalates and things can and do get a lot worse.

*sorry not quasi raped, actually raped

FFS he grabbed her leg and put it on his shoulder, which in the original post OP says: so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful

Then later he admitted to doing it on purpose. She has a standing refusal to that sex position because it hurts her and he forced it on her purposely to hurt, it's rape! I explained more fully upthread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4946441-boyfriend-hurt-me-on-purpose-during-sex?reply=130860303

"I agree he's an utter scumbag for what he did though and I will be leaving as soon I can save up enough"

sounds like a good plan

Ew what the hell!!!!! That's awful.
My boyfriend hurts me sometimes (by accident) and he always stops and worried about me straight away!!!
That is so sad OP I'm really sorry. Sending you much love. Some men are truly, truly selfish. X

He either didn’t care you were in pain or your distress added to his pleasure. Either way this man is abusive. He is now emotionally abusing you too by ignoring you. LTB

This wasn't even a case of him not caring whether he hurt you as long as he got his rocks off, which would be bad enough, this was him deliberately and calculatedly hurting you. This was him penetrating you in a position he knew you didn't consent to. This was rape.

You've read the OP wrongly. While having sex he asked me to turn over

Note the "WHILE having sex". Not "prior to having sex" or "during foreplay".

I also have endo and a knee on a partner's shoulder would hurt if he was fucking me, but not if he hadn't entered me yet.

But, I agree 100% that his behaviour is abusive regardless of legalities.

You don't have to stick around because you have a lease. Leases can be broken for many things including moving for a job, abuse, etc.

Please call WA when he's gone and have a talk to them at least to get some help.

OP Repeatedly said no..whether part way through sex or not, it should have stopped when she said no. It is rape

he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me

I would consider this to be rape, he did not have consent for that position as he knows it hurts her. A man can't just do whatever he likes to a woman because he was already allowed to have sex with her. If he starts doing something that he knows is out of bounds then that's rape or sexual assault.

And I say that as someone who has been raped.

Wether it's rape or not is unknown as we do not know from your posts if he stopped when he moved your leg and you screamed or if he moved your leg, penetrated you and then stopped when you screamed. First is assault second probably rape but the chances of CPS taking this and charging or you wanting to take this further (from your posts) I would guess are ridiculously small.

I also understand that you don't feel threatened and I will not presume to know better - he is the person you live with and assume you know when you are scared .

However you do need to not share a home. Contract or no contract . Do you have family where you could go ?

Every word here, please read and understand. As this person said, if you are so used to being dismissed and emotionally abused, you can become numb and end up defending their behaviour when confronted with it, because you are so used to defending it to yourself in order to justify staying with this person.
I'm speaking from experience of emotional abuse that turned into rape. It wasn't a direct jump from the first instance of emotional abuse to rape. It came in stages, gradually he would disrespect boundaries more and more by pressuring me sexually when I said no (this is also abuse, it's sexual coercion), and eventually he ended up taking advantage of me in the worst way. It took me months, if not almost a year, to finally come to the terms with the fact that he raped me. He raped me and I didn't accept that for almost a year.
You know deep inside your core that what he done was wrong, and that's why you've posted here tonight.
Please please please trust your gut. Something is seriously wrong. This guy is sexually violent. Don't allow him to hurt you even more.

He used his cock to hurt you as a way of putting you in your place because he believes it is not up to you to dictate how sex goes between you. Fuck me. That's as abusive as it gets. I hope you get away from this piece of shit as soon as you can, OP, and wish you a much happier life from here on in.

@Feelingsad192 Please leave- that is an awfully disrespectful thing for him to have done. Horrible brute.

Read this again and again, OP. It's so difficult, I understand. But please understand that this is how it is.

@Feelingsad192 You need a lawyer to advise, but a woman I knew was in an abusive relationship- that enabled her to get out of the contract I think...report to police - You didn't give consent...that was r@pe.

He sounds ghastly.

the chances of CPS taking this and charging

The police can be pretty hopeless OP but that doesn't mean you weren't raped (if he was still inside you while doing the leg thing, a position he knew you wouldn't consent to.)

Either way, he deliberately hurt you.

Going to somewhere like SARC https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-health-services/rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres would mean you have evidence you could use to help you get out of the contract.

But WA would be your best bet to help you get out safely. x