Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

[Feelingsad192]

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

RUN.

Normal men, you know the type that aren't psychopaths or sadists....can't maintain an erection if they know they are actually hurting their partner against their will during sex. Normal men don't even want to hurt someone when they're having a one night stand with a woman they don't give two shits about. Normal men, (the type who make good fathers and husbands) just don't have the urge to cause a woman physical pain regardless of whether or not they have feelings for them.

Normal men don't want to rape their girlfriends, partners or wives. Normal men who are angry with their partners for any number of reasons (including hurt feelings) don't want to have sex - you know - because it's normal to want to resolve an issue and have loving feelings return before feeling in the mood - not use sexual violence against them instead.

Sweetheart, no abuser ever started a relationship with a punch in the face. It comes slowly and over time but you've just had your ground zero. If he deliberately and intentionally caused you physical pain it's the same as him losing his temper and punching you in the face.

It's always difficult to leave a relationship, especially when joint finances are involved - it's far harder to leave when you've totally lost your self-esteem too.

Hurting you during a time when you're at your most vulnerable - naked, and under his physical power is a total breakdown of trust - because we all are at our most vulnerable when we're naked, alone and have a man on top of us. This power dynamic is the foundation of heterosexual couples. A healthy relationship cannot exist when that trust is broken. He broke it. Any man can stumble into accidentally hurting their partner during sex, but you understand the difference between accidental Vs intentional, right? He did it intentionally. It's time to leave, not chase him round your home trying to talk it out.

Leave him.

I don't feel unsafe with him, as said it wasn't always like this.
But now it is. You now know that he is someone who is prepared to use sex to punish you and to hurt you physically, and to do it deliberately. What it was like in the past doesn't really matter. This is who he is.

He's never abused me or hurt me before and I really don't think he will again.
You didn't think there would be a first time though did you? And now there has been.

Obviously I won't be having sex with him again.
He is capable of raping you OP. Whatever label you want to put on what happened to you, he has told you "it's not up to me how the sex goes." Think about what that means and how he views what should happen when he wants sex and you don't.

Please get out. He is dangerous.

I am afraid that anyone who deliberately hurts you for their own enjoyment - be it sexual or emotional, is NOT SAFE.

Do you have family or friends you can stay with op or at the very least a spare room with a lock on the door? He's nasty and he's violent - you need to run away as fast as possible

That's an easy one. You interrupted his pleasure and made him feel guilty for hurting you. Guilt is a bad feeling, so now you're at fault for making him suffer.

That's how he sees it. He is not a nice man. Don't use your financial situation to justify living with this sort of person.

I know you want to save up but this will only get worse, and the most dangerous time is when you want to leave. Don’t tell him. Go as soon as you can. The fact that he could even put a mental image of you and him and stabbing in the same sentence is really worrying. A family friends daughter was stabbed in front of her little girl by her ex boyfriend. She’d told him she wanted to break up and he couldn’t accept it. Hurting you on purpose I’m such a calculated way is a really really bad sign. You must be scared but please think about what I’ve said. He’s not your friend.

Could the Angel Aurora person be the partner? Horrible if so. @mumsnet is there a way of checking?

sweetheart you are making excuses for his abuse - there is no reason to do what he did. “Ego” is definitely not one. I actually gasped when I read that and I’ve had stuff done to me that horrendous so I’m no stranger to these kind of things.

he is grotesque.

Just wanna tell you, from bitter bitter experience - you say you don’t feel unsafe with him but also that he wasn’t always like this. If he wasn’t always like this, it means he’s on a path…a sliding scale of abuse which he has already slipped down. It will get worse, because it is GETTING worse.

put these in a line…this is the rough order it happens:

• lovely gentleman becomes
• gentleman mixed with very occasional sharp comments becomes
• Man who makes lots of sharp comments but is still gentlemanly when in front of other people so confusing becomes
• Man who gaslights you becomes
• Man who displays aggressive behaviour (shouting/throwing/maybe a push grab) becomes
• man you no longer recognise who displays every day gaslighting and mean behaviour becomes
• Man who displays every day gaslighting and mean behaviour with but regular physical abuse thrown in (does not have to be hitting-could be pushing, squeezing, hair pulling, slamming doors into you, throwing light objects at you aggressively, anything)
• Hands round your throat

It is abuse from the second bullet point.

it only gets worse.

if you think about it honestly, as a couple, you’re probably further down the scale than you’d imagined

This scale is a rough guide and behaviours can overlap and he may skip forward and back steps so as to confuse you - ie he’ll realise he’s pushed it too far and suddenly be on decent behaviour for a while before he ramps up again

you need to leave. It’s like a house fire. You need to put your life first and get out - forgetting material possessions.

just as an extra I’ve written abusive man because I know how the scale works with them - but im sure a female abuser likely follows a similar path

If he gets away with it once, why wouldn’t he do it again OP? He has sexually assaulted you.

At the very least, a phone call to women’s aid today telling them exactly what you have posted should get you some advice.

I know you are worried about finances but your wellbeing is more important. You could report him to the police? Kick him out, tell the agent/landlord, see if they can get you out the contract, see if anyone would flat share with you? Or if family or friends could help you out financially in the meantime?

just because other women have it ‘worse’ it doesn’t mean this isn’t serious. Other women would have had a first incident. He is abusive and uncaring. You don’t have to put up with this

Leave him, he has no respect or affection for you.

Appalling post. You're putting the blame on her.

How are you doing this morning op now you’ve slept on it?

I think you’re in shock and still upset about what happened.

If a friend described the exact events to you what would you encourage her to do? Because I doubt you’d tell her to stay until she’s saved more.
We all worry about finances and I know it makes your situation feel more complicated but end of the day, there are organisations out there to help you.

I also know if any of my family or friends told me this happened to them and they didn’t know what to do then I’d travel to meet them and offer to have them stay.

It may be the only time he’s hurt you but he’s told you honestly that he wanted to hurt and punish you. He knew what he was doing. He was focussing on what he likes and didn’t have any thought about what could really hurt you. I’ve been hurt during sex before and my partner stopped straight away, he was so apologetic and checked me over. He was caring the rest of the night and was genuinely upset that he did it. It was an accident the way it happened- that’s all a natural response if someone’s accidentally hurt.

You may feel you’ve not been raped as you consented, he didn’t put you in the position you said no to but he did move you and hurt you. Did he stop when you screamed?
He has physically and emotionally abused you. This sadly will be the first time as now he knows you’ll sit worried and upset about him so he knows he can make you feel guilty and get away with it.

You shouldn't give a shit about his feelings or why he did it. It's no different to punching you in the fact, it was a physical attack on you because he was pissed off. Violence in any form is never ever acceptable.

Look after yourself op and plan to leave if you can't at the moment

Leave him

OP you would not be wasting anyone’s time reporting this: it’s what they are there for and it may help protect other women like you. However, it seems to me you are finding the next steps daunting. That’s understandable given the shift in perspective you are having to process: a short while ago he was your boyfriend and you must have liked him to be with him. But that has changed. And if processing that change is challenging then beak it into steps. The first and most important is LEAVE. You can think about other potential steps from there. But just LEAVE. What if he absorbs the fact you have grounds to report him and now moves to silence you with further intimidation? Please just leave. MN vote is practically unanimous on this which must be some kind of record. We all agree: leave.

Sorry: break it into steps!

At Womens Aid we would class this as high risk (markers) situation and refer it to MARAC asap. Things would get rolling very quickly OP. Whether you have money or not, a lot of agencies would be involved very quickly to help and support you with emergency accommodation, benefits etc to safely get you out of this situation. Please ring us.

It wasn't rape. You find people like watering rape down for dramatic effect but I think even they know what the outcome will be if you told the police you believe you were raped because he put your foot on his shoulder. He obviously doesn't care about you and that's another issue but I really don't think people help the cause by calling rape at things which clearly were not rape. Its a bit like saying my DH raped me because he asked me to shut the curtains but I said no twice.

She repeatedly said NO!! That is rape if he doesn't stop!

What did I just read? Saying that a man who forces his partner into a sex position that he knows full well she doesn't consent to has committed rape is a world away from saying someone has been raped through declining to shut the curtains. This is grossly offensive to everyone who has had to struggle with the fact that consent to sex can be withdrawn after it has begun for any reason.

Many years ago Amnesty International did a wide ranging campaign about Violence against Women. One of the statistics they came up with, and which has always stuck with me , is that on average it takes about 35 instances of abuse before a woman reports her partner.

so only another 34 to go OP. Once an abuser has crossed that abuse threshold once they very rarely go back.

Can you at least sleep in another room till you leave?

Even a different room would worry me. He clearly expresses his frustration physically and doesn’t like OP not fully “co-operating”. OP is there nowhere you can go? Just say you need a little time if you are worried about the drama of “leaving,” I’m feeling sure once you are away you will feel bolder.

He is an abusive creep. Leave him now.

By the way him forcing and hurting you like this was assault and you could report him...