Boyfriend hurt me on purpose during sex

[Feelingsad192]

I just need some advice because he won't speak to me, he's upset with me and is acting like I've done something wrong.

Boyfriend and I were having sex (after an argument about me feeling like he doesn't care about my pleasure during sex as he never makes an effort to finish me off)

While having sex he asked me to turn over, I have endometriosis and this position is very painful for me. We do that position occasionally (it's not always painful depending on time of the month) this time I said no as I knew it would hurt he asked again I said no again so he grabbed my leg and put it on his shoulder- a position I have never liked and he knows hurts me and at this time in my cycle it is exceptionally painful so I screamed. I started crying from the pain and he's stormed off mad.
I've asked him to speak to me, he doesn't want to, he's upset with me, I have no idea what I did.
I'm in so much pain, it's really uncomfortable and painful.
I've told him I'm in pain, he doesn't seem to give a shit.

She needs to grab them and squeeze as if she is trying to squeeze out a sponge. Then, when he starts screaming, she can say "sorry, it's not like it's a big thing". And then get mad because he is crying.

PLEASE tell me is the EX-DP?

Excellent advice! OP--please follow this wise advice. If you cannot move out, regulate him to a housemate and nothing else. Get out, make friends, save your money, and most importantly, TELL your family and friends what he did. Do not let him get away with it because he "explains it away" as being mad. There is no excuse that will work on this and no apology that makes the grade.

He is an abusive POS and nothing BUT an abusive POS.

YANBU--to have been hurt by him and be angry at what he did to you.
YABU--to excuse it and explain it away and put up with it.

You were raped.

I have Endo and had an abusive husband. I could cry for you..I am so sorry this happened to you..

Do not stay with this man. I stayed for 22 years..

You deserve better. Do not try and make it a smaller incident, it is big and it matters.

Also OP, my landlord told me when I left abuse that most good landlords will have a process for when tenants have to leave for abuse purposes, because they wouldn't want to be complicit in the abuse by making you stay because you can't afford to flee.

I would speak to your landlord and see if they have a DV policy.

Yes, I'm not going to get into the discussion of what label to put on what he did, the important thing is he deliberately hurt you to punish you. It would have been bad enough if he'd accidentally hurt you and had a strop about you reacting with pain, but you cannot trust that he won't do it to you again when he's pissed off with you some other time. Even if you think you can't leave straight away, make contingency plans to get your important docs out of the house and somewhere safe, so if things deteriorate further there's one less thing to worry about if you have to do a runner at short notice.

Knew you would do this, never learn do you

OP, he doesn't love you.
Please value yourself and leave him. Any way you can. He will hurt you again.

I think this is very good advice. I’m a landlord and I would not want to be complicit in any kind of abuse. Your safety is far more important than the rent being paid and any decent landlord will have a decent financial buffer zone.

And I also agree with the consensus that this is rape. He punished you by raping you. This time he stopped. Perhaps next time he won’t.

I don't care what you have to do to get away from your abuser.

Can you move in with a friend, go back to your parents? I would 100% have one of my DC back home in any circumstances, let alone this! Probably after I'd confronted the bastard!

You need to get away, now.

You are unsafe. He is a sadist and a rapist. He couldn't care less about you. Get out, and get out now. I don't care how much money you lose, I don't care what your contract says.

You need to LTB right away!

What the hell?!

What you did was complain that he was raping you. You did not consent to what he did. He knew that position hurts you. That is rape.

He didn't like that.

Now he's punishing you for having an opinion on what he could do with your body.

You need to phone your family and ask if you can move in with them while you make arrangements to end this horrifically abusive relationship.

Stop begging him to talk to you and asking him what you did wrong. It's time to rebuild your self respect. Be silent and show him you have a backbone. Get out of the home. This man is a rapist.

Call your family. Ask to move in temporarily.

Go to A&E and get an examination, and treatment if necessary. Record the incident, naming him as the perpetrator. Go tonight if you can get an Uber or a taxi. If not tonight, then go in the morning.

Contact Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247.

You need help dealing with your landlord and getting out.

Yes, it was rape. He did something without your consent. Something he knew you would not consent to. And he did it intentionally as a punishment. That is one nasty, dangerous man.

@Feelingsad192 - first check your rental agreement, specifically the clauses dealing with giving notice to end the tenancy. Most AST agreements include a break clause that allows early termination, i.e. before the end of the tenancy term.

Secondly, call Shelter for advice.

Third, talk to the landlord. Most reputable landlords want nothing to do with domestic abuse and will be wilking to release you from your contract.

I'd also echo those posters that urged you to report him to the police, or at least consult with your GP. You want to create a paper trail.

You ideally need to speak to womens aid this is sexual assault

Absolutely.

And do the Freedom Programme, OP!

@PyongyangKipperbang yes I realise I sound harsh, I'm sorry it comes across that way. I have been her and never left, I don't want her making the same mistakes I made.

You worry about everything and the fact she keeps asking him what's wrong confirms it.

OP I apologise for my previous comment, please listen to everyone in here. They are not wrong. X

you are in grave danger.
that you cannot see it, adds to it.
leave now.
go anywhere, but leave.
and don't tell him.

You need to leave.

The staff and volunteers at Women's Aid are there to help, please let them.

What worries me is that you are isolated from everyone and have no support. Did you move because of your BF? If so I can almost certainly assure you that he has a history of abusive behaviour. To separate you from your family and support network IS emotional abuse.

You say you have no money: is this normal "ugh, I'm broke" or because he controls the finances?

You say it was a one-off: he intentionally assaulted you to inflict pain and punish you. On top of that he has been using you solely for his pleasure, with no consideration for your own. I know it's uncomfortable to admit it or accept it, but this arsehole of a man is very much aware of what he is doing, and will easily do it again. He blames you. In his mind (very much wrongly), you will need to be punished again. He will not stop.

Rape and sexual assault are rarely about sexual pleasure for the offender. It's about power, abuse, and violence. He admitted to wanting to hurt you.

Please, call Women's Aid. Even if it's for you to be "reassured" that they wouldn't need to help you. (I'm sorry to say that yes, they will help you, because you are in a DV situation)

I'm saying all of this from personal experience. I had to attempt to unalive myself in order to get to safety.

If you feel like your family wouldn't help, or wouldn't want to know: they would. In an instant. Co-workers too. Even the girl in the co-op down the road. People really do care.

When I read your op, it sounded very much like he was teaching you a lesson, and your updates confirmed that. You complain about not getting pleasure, then he gives you pain. Maybe the underlying intention is that you’ll adjust your expectations and learn to be happy with sex that doesn’t hurt.

I understand how day to day reality can get you stuck in these situations. It’s never as easy to leave as it is to advise it.

The problem with staying is that our psychology evolved to ensure our survival, not our happiness. And as long as you’re around this prick, your mind will play tricks. If you could kick him out right now and be done with him forever, after the initial shock you’d probably feel an immense wave of relief and anger. But as long as there’s an unpredictable predator in the vicinity, it’s not safe to feel everything, so your mind blocks, minimises, justifies. When fight and flight aren’t option, we can freeze, or fawn.

Your initial reaction, which was “what did I do wrong”, really speaks to gaslighting - you know perfectly well that he is in the wrong, but you’re instinctively looking to understand what you said/did - how you might make yourself smaller in future to avoid being hurt. You say this was a one off, but at some level I bet you were already walking on eggshells with this guy.

The problem is that all the time you’re operating on ancient survival blueprints, he’s learning

He’s learning he can sulk and you will beg for attention.
He’s learning he can assault you and you will accept it and stay.
He’s learning he can blame you and you will accept it.
He’s learning that he can admit to a complete lack of empathy towards you and you will stay.
He’s teaching you not to make demands on him or you will be hurt.

Would you have recognised this as an assault if you’d had your clothes on?

This man assaulted you for daring to ask for consideration.

I’m not trying to belittle you when I tell you that you’re not thinking clearly; quite the opposite actually because I’m trying to empower you.

Is there anywhere else you can go? Family? A friend? I’d happily make up a sofa for you, and I don’t even know you.

He sounds like an utter dick all around. Leave.

Any sexual act forced on you - especially if you have clearly stated NO is rape.
This was not an act of love. It was an act of dominance and entitlement.
He needs to be told that you are a person not just holes moving for his pleasure.
He is angry because he KNOWS that he assaulted you and is feeling guilty about it. He is not admitting this because he is angry that he feels guilty and is choosing to blame you instead of himself. He has twisted this from something he subjected YOU to, to something you did to him. Don’t allow this at all.

He's dangerous, leave.

It is absolutely horrifying that he would deliberately hurt you like this to punish you for not wanting a position that causes you pain. It is horrifying that he doesn’t believe a woman should have agency in sex.

You need to find a way to leave. You’re minimising this out of necessity and/or shock.