Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

As a parent of children with multiple allergies / coeliac disease, I would say you will be doing that child a favour to say no! It is not a reasonable request and the parents really need to understand this! The world will not revolve around them so they need to teach their child to manage this themselves. From a young age my children understood they could not eat anything without checking with me ( or whoever was taking care of them) that it was safe. No swapping food, no helping themselves. This is how to help keep children safe! And I say that a parent of children with autism and other additional needs.

please say please do feel free to stay at the party so you can supervise your child. I will be serving sandwiches and cake. Mother of child who was allergic to dairy and has celiacs disease

Bloody hell 😅 But I suppose if you approach it with kindness and curiosity, there's a decent chance that they are just very anxious regarding this allergy (possibly recently diagnosed and not feeling confident in navigating the risks?) and she is just panicking and not thinking rationally about how entitled and unreasonable this request is.

I'd probably say something like "I can imagine it must be really worrying and difficult to navigate such a severe allergy. Unfortunately we just aren't comfortable taking on all the responsibility for ensuring an allergen-free function given the high stakes. Also it's DD's birthday party and she obviously wants her favourite foods, lots of which contain gluten and dairy. Happy to provide separate food for your DD and of course you'll be there to supervise, but unfortunately the party won't be completely dairy/gluten free".

Don't apologise or anything. You're not doing anything wrong. You can be firm and kind at the same time!

If the child goes to a normal school, then surely the child is exposed to gluten and dairy every day. So it seems obvious likely the parents just CBA to keep checking their child isnt eating what they shouldnt do.

So they have put the responsibility on the OP!!! What a cheek.

The parents say their child's condition is dangerous, so no way would the OP be advised to provide anything at all as if it all goes pear-shaped, she''' be to blame.

Better for the parents to provide everything, including plates and cutlery, and supervise it.

Frankly, if there are so many allergies in your kids' friend group I just wouldn't do any event that included food. I'd find some other things for them to do that didn't involve party eats. Sad for the kids, but it's just too complicated.
As for the CF who wanted to decide what other kids would eat- I wouldn't have their kid in the house at all- that parent is not just totally self-centred, arrogant and entitled, they're Trouble with a big T. Imagine what they would do if their kid fell over while playing, didn't win at games, or just didn't get its own way.....

Where the heck are all these allergies coming from, by the way- what's happening? Back when I was a kid there wasn't one kid in my class all through school that had one, except, ironically me- with bananas . And even that wasn't a big deal, I just got a rash from the things, esp if I ate over-ripe ones. Nothing threatening, by the time I knew I had it I was old enough to avid it myself.

Yes, we did have one or two with asthma, and a few other things like hay fever problems, and eczema, but food allergies, not a single one. We had milk every day in the early years, and though some kids didn't like it a lot because it was a bit warm by the time we got it, there wasn't one I recall that was allergic to it.
Something more recent must be causing all these allergies.

Yeah. This.

I think it’s unreasonable of the parent to ask you to cater exclusively for their child. I get that you asked about allergies but they could have said that x is severely gluten intolerant so we have to be really careful and we will obviously supervise their food choices.
id be happy bringing some GF items but making sure all parents are vigilant with their own children if they have very severe allergies

No way. I would by a sice of gluten free cake and that's as far as I'd go

We had milk every day in the early years, and though some kids didn't like it a lot because it was a bit warm by the time we got it, there wasn't one I recall that wasm allergicto it.Something more recent must be causing all these allergies.

It does make you wonder. I was at school in the 60s and 70s and everyone got a bottle of milk for morning break. It was a bit yuk in the summer when it was warm but nobody got let off drinking it and nobody got ill.

The other parent is being totally unreasonable. When mine were small, I made them a lunchbox to take to parties, and they knew they could only eat their food, from their lunchbox, unless I (or other, specific, named trusted adult) had actually okayed a particular food for them to eat. From the age of 2 (so from when they could actually verbalise it), dd2 and ds would ask, about every food, ‘is this ok for me to eat?’ - asking either me, or a close friend’s mum (who would know they were in that role, as I had pre arranged with the, for that party if I was unable to stay, for eg). It was never put onto the party host to sort out, and although I was always pleased when they checked, my reply was invariably ‘please don’t go to any specific trouble, I am happy to supply safe food’

YNBU My kids had quite severe allergies when they were that age and I always took food to parties for them and they knew not to eat anything else. I kept some cupcakes in my freezer and would take them out and ice a couple so dc still had some cake as well.

As a parent of a coeliac child who can't eat the tiniest amount of wheat/gluten/barley derivatives without being severely poorly, I'd be more than happy to bring my own food. We do it at family gatherings so a kid's party wouldn't be a problem at all.

Rude womans a bad mum for asking that. She needs to watch her child.

She’s being totally unreasonable. If the child’s allergies are really that bad, she needs to provide totally separate food and supervise his meal herself. I wouldn’t be happy to take on the responsibility and in any case, she’s doesn’t get to dictate food options to everyone else. I’d say we can’t do that and withdraw the invitation if she can’t take responsibility for her child’s special food.

I was allergic to milk as a baby.... My mum was told I was just a sickly child. I think there are many children who were simply not diagnosed. Just ill all the time. Or died of "severe asthma" when it was actually anaphylaxis....

‘I do of course understand that it must be very difficult to manage severe allergies; however we’re not able to make all the party food completely free of the allergens that have been flagged by various guests, that’s really quite an ask! We will of course ensure there are tasty options that everyone can eat, and you’re more than welcome to bring food with you if that makes you feel more comfortable, but we won’t be able to restrict all the food available in line with one child’s allergies. With you there to supervise closely while we’re running around hosting, I’m sure little Jimmy won’t eat anything he shouldn’t!’

If it was a sever nut allergy I would ensure all was nut free- fair enough. But no dairy and no gluten for everyone is ridiculous. It is just far too restrictive and they are not being very realistic with this ask. They need to supervise their child.

The best option if there's multiple different dietary restrictions is boxes. Sainsburys have gf &vegan cakes, and they do a gf vegan sandwich cut up and serve 2 quarters, add some carrot, cucumber sticks plus some grapes and gf dairy free crisps which as easily bought.

Allergies have always been there, but they weren't diagnosed unless immediately life-threatening because they weren't understood. Instead, you had a child who was sickly and failed to thrive, either dying young or becoming a sickly adult. Remember also that before vaccines and antibiotics, 25% of children didn't make it to their fifth birthday, largely because of childhood infections. I hypothesise that many of those children died because they were weakened already by allergies or coeliac disease when they caught the infection and so were less able to fight it off. The non-allergic children would have been more likely to survive an infection.

At that age the parent will be staying to supervise anyway, and these aren’t airborne allergens, so tbh it sounds like they just don’t want their child to be any different or to not be able to have food the others kids can. Which of course is understandable to wish in passing, but surely no one actually ASKS the host to cater a fully tailored free spread 😳 They will have to get used to managing a difficult and unfortunate situation without being CFs, just like thousands of other parents out there do.

"I do understand, however, that's why you'll need to supervise what he eats as the food has already been planned and we are unable to make the whole event gluten + dairy free. I'm more than happy to provide some food that is gluten & dairy free and I'll be labelling food and keeping it away from the rest of it for you so you know what is safe for him. You're free to bring your own packed lunch if you'd prefer x"

Completely agree with this, I have a DD this age with a peanut allergy and the most important thing we can do to keep her safe is teach her to check foods and not share without asking a trusted adult. Not try and put her in some peanut-free bubble.

Agree with PP who mentioned crazy expectations on allergy FB groups and forums, it doesn't help parents reach a balanced position.

OP, I would refuse but if possible offer to keep the food until the last half hour so they can come for the playing and leave when it's food time.

YANBU. She sounds quite presumptive tbh.

"I'm happy to provide gluten-free/everything-free options, however we will also have some of DC's favourite foods there, as it is their birthday, and those foods won't be gluten free. I'm sorry if this means you're unable to make the party."

or whatever. But the actual cheek of her assumption that you'll just comply. When your child has a severe allergy, you attend the parties until they learn to not eat whatever food they clap their eyes on.

(My DS had a nut allergy and an epipen so my judgement is from experience!)

There was a child at DC school who was dangerously touch sensitive to his allergenic foods. He had a special table to eat at (never used for anything else). Was really sad bec other kids could in theory join him but of course they were all frightened they might contaminate his area, so he always ate alone.

I am not sure if other kids in his class all had to do extra handwashing, they probably didn't, let's face it.