Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

It isn't clear if the parent is asking for food to DF / GF as the allergy is so severe the child cannot be exposed to it at all or if they want everything DF / GF to prevent their child eating something they shouldn't.

One is easier to deal with than the other.

Bringing their own food and staying to supervision negates the latter but if its the former then the allergic child cannot attend.

I'm absolutely happy to provide suitable options for everyone (as far as I can find them in the supermarket!) Or for parents to bring their own alternatives. But I don't want to abandon the cake I'd planned!

And yes, all parents are staying. I was very clear that parents would need to supervise the food where there are allergies. It's a huge fear of mine getting that wrong.

YANBU. But also why is everyone assuming the parent in question is a woman? Depressing

This is easiest way to reply.

Parent is being very unreasonable. The serious allergy kids bring lunchboxes. I often buy separate food for the dairy allergy sufferer and show the mum the boxes so she can check. Child asks can I have this? And checks stuff is OK to eat.

They're asking you to take responsibility for parenting their child! It would be different if the allergy were so severe even breathing the air would kill then, like a severe peanut allergy. But they are saying they can't watch their child. That's ridiculous.

Parents are more than welcome to stay and supervise their own child

Thanks, I thought after I should have put to offer for them to bring a packed lunch!

I do say this with multiple allergies. I can't have lots of things and some can make me really ill, I would never dictate what food it served at a party. I am very used to bringing my own. It's one of those things that as a kid you just have to get used to.

We have been the parent with a child with a dietary restriction.

At that age you most certainly can, and do, make sure they don't eat what they shouldn't. They are being ridiculous.

You are catering for their child, they are being unreasonable to say everything has to be gluten and dairy free

One of the kids in our class at that age had a serious allergy, they would always bring a lunch box rather than take the chance.

As an allergy sufferer I think the parent is being totally unreasonable and unrealistic. It's such a lot of responsibility on you as well, I wouldn't want to take that on. It's so very easy to think you've got every bit of dairy or gluten out and then discover you haven't, even when you're used to doing it for yourself, and cross contamination is an issue for serious allergies too (eg if you absent mindedly handle the veg sticks with buttery hands or something).

I'd say no can do don't want the responsibility thanks as it sounds like the child could get quite poorly if you make a mistake, pls feel free to bring your own lunch box if it's that much of a problem and don't forget you'll need to supervise him too.

We just used to stay and watch like hawks when they ate.

We found our Dc ok about not taking stuff they shouldn’t but it was other parents that tried giving our dc foods that they couldn’t have. ‘Let them have some fun!’ Was said multiple times! ‘No thanks Steven, we will literally be in the middle of a shit show if you insist on feeding Barbarella those sausage rolls!’.

thats a ridiculous demand, is she applying this demand to every setting? . Personally I’d tell her that you’ll cater for everyone so there will be gluten free food there but you’ll need her to stay and mind her child’s eating as there will be gluten and dairy available

I think it would be the best way as seems a shame for the child to miss out (and they are most likely going to experience this again).

My children don’t have allergies but I would be more than happy to send them with a lunchbox if needed.

My DDs are now 23 and 20 and when they were small they couldn't have artificial food colourings or aspartame (artificial sweetener). My friend's eldest had life threatening allergies to dairy, nuts and eggs; we attended her 4th birthday party and each child was given a plate with their own food on it so they all had safe food. If I couldn't be at a party to supervise mine when they were too young to know what they could and couldn't eat, I would always offer to send food rather than restrict others.

My friends DC5 has dairy, gluten and soya allergies and they always bring him a packed lunch in his own lunchbox to parties (we always offer to make him something but they always decline as he is also a bit fussy) it is getting harder as he has started asking if he can have the same things as others (especially cakes/biscuits) but he knows he will get sick so knows when they say No there’s a reason

I always took a packed lunch for my allergic child and stood behind them watching like a hawk. It was hard as I was still doing it when she was 10 and all the other parents had left parties years before, but it was the only way.

YANBU. My DD has allergies and I always offer to take food, I then watch over her to make sure she doesn't have anything, she is my responsibility not anyone elses. Just reply with you are happy to cater but will be serving some foods with allergens in as requested by your child. I think the expectation that the party will revolve around them sounds really entitled.

That’s a ridiculous request. The suggested responses above are good.

Ridiculous..it's the responsibility of the parents to supervise child eating. It sounds like they want child to be able to roam and eat freely which isn't going to happen with allergies. At that child's own birthday party is the opportunity for that.

Why don’t you just have it so parents have to plate up. Don’t out it out for kids to grab it themselves. Then tell the parent that you can’t accommodate that, but it will be set out so parent’s are playing up and the “free from” food will be kept separate, so they can plate up for their kid and can supervise the eating.

Jings all my kids have dairy allergies and I couldn’t imagine insisting all food was dairy free.
If over anxious of cross contamination or the kid takes anaphylactic shock then you bring your own food completely and cater to your own.

The issue isn't the OP catering for the needs, the issue is the parent saying the OP can't provide them at all!!

That's a very cheeky and assumptive ask! I would just reply and say, "I'll be catering for all requests and GF/dairy free will go on a different table, but I can't change the food for everyone else at this stage. I'm sure you must be used to this and have a tired and tested way of managing parties. Thanks xx"

(Using the same cringey sign of she has used).

I think this is really unfair to put this on you, and then say ‘sure you understand’ like you absolutely have to understand and you’d be a dick if you didn’t .

Like others have said, I wouldn’t want the responsibility, and surely if the allergy was that bad she would bring her child’s own food?

Also…how can she guarantee that another 2 year old child won’t offer hers some food? Kids will literally eat stuff off the floor 😂

YANBU the parents can supervise their child.

The only time I would try to accommodate would be for air borne allergies as I know those can be extremely dangerous but to anything that’s edible only no , sorry but they are the parents it is their responsibility to make sure their kids eat the correct thing . I wouldn’t even reply