Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

You could do a gluten and dairy party quite easily: lots of veg sticks and hummus, baby tomatoes potato crisps, rice cakes, popcorn, ham, prawns, bananas, jelly, satsumas, grapes, raisins. Then you wouldn't get left with loads of half eaten squished sandwiches to clear up.

With the special thing your DC wants, you could just say to the parent to avoid that one thing.

as a coeliac and friend with a daughter with a dairy allergy, she always just goes with her daughter and supplies her own food. I would do the same.

You have already made reasonable accomodations. Unfortunately children with allergies have to be supervised until they understand the boundaries. They can stay and supervise but that is not your responsibility.

Wow, I'm surprised by the answers here. I live in a different country. In my son's preschool there are kids with severe dairy, sesame and nut allergies, and this automatically means that no kid is allowed to bring any food containing these in their lunches because of cross-contamination that could endanger those kids (and the most severely allergic kid has a medical assistant who actually checks every lunchbox during the morning, including phoning parents to make sure that the chocolate spread is the dairy free one). Same with primary schools - if there are severely allergic kids then nobody brings food with the allergens to school. Nobody thinks it's ridiculous - we all just deal with it, despite 90% of the popular options for lunch involving hummus (which all has sesame in) or cheese. When the parents plan events for all the kids, we are all told exactly what we can bring that would be safe for everyone - so my default planning my kid's upcoming 4th birthday is that of course I won't serve the foods those kids are allergic to.

Of course it's a pain to make things without gluten but if the child coming to the party is very severely allergic I'd just get on and do it tbh.

It's not about nut allergies and other allergies - anything can cause anaphylaxis, including milk and egg. Not relevant to the thread but important to note, as people who are at risk of anaphylaxis from other allergens often struggle to get people to take it seriously.

This sounds totally miserable for a child’s birthday party

I think that's a very cheeky request, because catering for GF/DF is far more hassle and more expensive, as well as no consideration that the birthday child may have some ideas what they like.

What I've always done is made sure that there is something any child can eat. I've done dairy free and gluten free at parties for guests, so made sure that anything that has equivalent (eg crisps sometimes have gluten in so make sure that the crisps I get don't) I get the one everyone can eat. Then for key things like sandwiches I will make sure they have some they can eat. I'd normally try and get a treat thing just for them so they have a special treat too.
For the cake I did do a dairy free cake (which was pretty easy) but the year I had a couple of gluten free I did cupcakes for them all to take away.

But in those cases both the parents stayed to watch, but also they weren't severe allergies as in they would have had a stomach upset but not life threatening. And I knew the parents well enough that if there had been an issue they would not have blamed me for doing my best. Which means I was happy to try.
With the above request I'd be tempted to ask them to bring their own stuff simply because you can tell if they suspected something wasn't quite right, then you'd get blamed.

Allergen free schools are no longer advised in the UK - nut free schools used to be the norm but are no longer recommended as they didn't actually reduce the chances of a reaction due to complacency. It's better that children with allergies learn early the precautions they need to take.

Bit different with younger kids - my youngest's nursery has a little girl with anaphylaxis to milk, they've switched to dairy free yoghurts and put other precautions in place because of the risk of cross contamination with little ones.

They might behave better without all the ultra processed stuff so added bonus

"Hi...apologies but we will be sticking to our original party food plans, some of which will contain gluten and dairy. There will be gluten and dairy free alternatives but I won't be able to supervise the table. You are very welcome to bring along suitable food for (child) if that suits. See you then. xx"

All you need to do is say you plan to provide some alternatives, but not change the entire menu as you have a few dietary restrictions to accommodate and that she is welcome to bring some snacks for her dc only that can be kept separate. I'd also add that it makes you a bit nervous that her dc is so allergic and need her to closely supervise her dc for her safety as you will be stretched hosting.
If it was a contact allergy, ie nuts, I would ensure it wasn't present at all.
It does sound like her dc's condition is significant, so I'd advise what I plan to provide for her to ensure it was suitable. You still have to be a good host and you try your best to include.

Our DS had an egg allergy and we always took a cake with us and even at 3-4 years old he knew to avoid foods that may contain egg. I’d always take food for him if in doubt and supervise carefully though.

I’ve never encountered an allergy parent who would request this.

Say "It's a shame if you can't make it but we understand if it's too much of a risk"

lots of veg sticks and hummus, baby tomatoes potato crisps, rice cakes, popcorn, ham, prawns, bananas, jelly, satsumas, grapes, raisins.

No good if you have people with sesame allergies, or vegetarians though (I know that isn't usually an an allergy, but it gets rid of all the protein).

This is a very good suggestion. I am assuming that parents are due to stay with their DC ? So the parent could supervise what the DC is eating

Or the kids could just not go.

And I say that as a parent who's 3 kids are CMPI and one of then is also Gluten intolllerant.

You sucm it up. My daughter went to a party yesterday. I didn't even tell the host. Its not their problem.

I drilled into her that she couldn't eat anything. And would ask her what she could eat at the party, she answered nothing everytime.

She's 4.

My LO is dairy and soya allergy. I wouldn’t let him eat food at a party even if the host had catered from him as people always assume “oh that’s just xx there isn’t milk/soya in that” I only trust 3 people in this world to check labels properly and one of those is me. That mum is batshit. She should bring her darling a packed lunch or politely decline.

It's up to the parent to supervise and it is unreasonable for them to say nothing to be served their child is allergic to incase the child eats it. That's a parent's job. And I say that as a parent of a child with an allergy.

She can't expect nobody in the world to eat gluten near her child. What about when she's at school/nursery? Do they never go to restaurants? It's absolutely bizarre. If the child isn't old enough to know what they can/can't eat, parent needs to come and supervise. If the parent doesn't trust you or what you've supplied (if you're willing to provide food for this) then they need to bring their own.

One of those things.

I have two children who carry epipens. They are absolutely off their heads. Totally ridiculous request.

I know you mean well but personally I don’t think it’s fair to place the burden of managing her own serious allergies on a four year old. It’s only responsible to make sure an adult knows her situation and can look out for her at all times, or to stay and supervise her yourself. I would be horrified and frankly a bit furious if I found a parent had sent a four year old with allergies to a party I hosted without telling me and just trusting the child to not eat. It’s not fair on the four year old child or the host to do that.

I’ve experienced this before with sone parents. They essentially don’t want to say “no” to their child so for an easy life expect everyone to eat in line with their restrictive diet. Ludicrous! Particularly when other foods can taste yuk (dairy free choc anyone?).

IMO these children should learn that they can’t have X, Y, Z that everyone else is having. It’s something they are going to have to get used to. Alternative equivalents should be offered. Pretending all is well and they can eat everything (as it has been restricted) is doing them a disservice and setting them up for a disappointment when they realise that is not the case,

I’m vegetarian and don’t expect my guests to eat veggie in my company. I have relatives who have food intolerances (adults and children) and they are catered for while others eat regular food. Never been a problem.

When I did a party one of the parents said she would bring a gluten free meal for their child. I made sure there was a little plate of appropriate snacks like veggies and humus. It sucks for them but they can’t expect the whole party to be GF and DF! That would be super expensive for one thing.

Having a nut free party is entirely different to having a gluten and dairy free party.

Most primary schools are but free zones. Children can die of a nut allergy. A gluten or dairy allergy or coeliac disease are different to this - no school is dairy or gluten free and a party shouldn’t be either.

I understand that it’s difficult with very small children. Until they are able to understand what they can and cannot eat, a parent needs to be with them and supervise their eating.

I agree with everyone that you shouldn’t agree to this request. Many people have. Made good suggestions of suitable replies - sympathy for their difficulty but also not agreeing to adjust the menu for all children.

This parent who has made the request is going to have to realise that their request is unreasonable and cannot be accommodated. It will dawn on her and she will stop asking or not let her child attend parties….and that will be her choice. She will face this issue time and time again - when the school or nursery have parties and food events and when family and friends do. People are. It going to stop serving gluten and dairy to everyone. As a family, they will have e to learn to supervise their child and manage it all.

People, including OP are happy to offer some dietary alternatives. When someone has a severe nut allergy, it’s okay to point that out and also easy to offer a nut free menu. No one is terribly inconvenienced by this. But what the woman is asking for is unreasonable and she needs gently telling and not accommodating.