Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

[coverp]

DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

Good grief! I feel for someone whose child has this level of allergy problem but the sense of entitlement is extraordinary! If I were being charitable, I'd say perhaps the parent is just making the position clear...

You are NOT being unreasonable-the other parent is!!! How dare he/she demand that all the other kids' food revolves around their sprog? How does their child cope in school/everyday life-they cant demand a dairy/gluten/nut etc free environment everywhere they go!!! Blooming ridiculous. Tell them that isn't possible and that with that in mind they can decide whether or not their child can/will attend.

YANBU. I have 2 children with multiple allergies, and I make their parties safe from all of their allergens so they can enjoy everything on display (which trust me, is a rare treat) but would never expect other parents to cater their entire parties based on my children’s allergies? It’s ridiculous. If you invited the whole class and all parents demanded the same you’d have a good chance of not being able to feed anyone anything at all. Providing the allergy children with safe alternatives so that they don’t feel left out is more than accommodating enough imo. Also most gluten free cake is vile 😬 You’d probably have to spend a fortune getting a professional baker experienced in GF baking to get a cake that’s even remotely nice. Just crazy to demand this from someone 🥴

I think if you were to make everything gluten and dairy free, there might be a lot of disappointed kids as the taste and texture can be very different, especially for bread and pastry. Also, GF and vegan might not be great for everyone; I get terrible indigestion which I only found out about after my husband had to go GF.

The parents should be responsible for closely supervising a child with serious food allergies. You can't really be expected to change all your catering to facilitate this requirement, or to be responsible for the wrong food being picked up - especially not when there are several excited children around.

I think TeachFirst's suggestion, with Bournetilly addition is a reasonable response.

The parent should also be present throughout to make sure the child is kept safe.

That’s a bit extreme and if she carries on like that her kid won’t get any invites to parties as they get older! The extra cost to you of making everything gluten and dairy free is also cheeky!

I have friends with both/who have kids who have both and they have no issue with us supplying a separate plate for them.

I'd say sorry, I'm not willing to change my entire menu as it will double the cost to do GF/non dairy. I'm sure that you appreciate we are on budgets atm with cost of living. There will be options for your little one, but it's your responsibility to ensure that they eat the correct foods. I understand if that makes you uncomfortable about attending. Sozard.

Dd2 had a number of issues involving lack of various enzymes including being lactose intolerant, not being able to have certain anaesthetics and also g6pd deficiency - tested for at birth in the country she was born in. I used to call her my little bag of enzyme deficiencies - she is now in her 30s.

@Ladymeade I feel sorry for the child, but the reality is there is no medical incidence of gluten allergy. There is the immune disease coeliac which is serious and a pain to manage but won’t lead to anaphylaxis. I wonder what medical conditions the child has and what their NHS dietician and specialist advise - they will have an NHS dietician if they have coeliac and have seen a specialist if they have a dairy allergy rather than intolerance. The parent will have bern given advice and o doubt it is expect party host to make their kitchen completely allergy free. Someone with coeliac cannot have a microscopic crumb from the same butter. So it is unreasonable to expect a safe environment. But I have to wonder what diagnosis this child has. Poor child it isn’t fun.

Well now that we've all agreed she was unreasonable, just a few ideas for easy ways to help out allergy people: Letting the allergic person (or their parent) know the approximate menu in advance so they can plan for appropriate foods to bring for themselves (e.g., say you're ordering pizza for the party-goers, if you can let the allergic person know in advance where you're ordering it from, they can call that place beforehand and ask whether it's safe for them), keeping the original containers with the ingredient labels is super helpful; if it's a buffet then letting the people with food restrictions go first is helpful (before the different dishes get cross-contaminated). Ensuring there's a space where the allergic person can store the food they've brought without it being accidentally thrown into the trash, that's also helpful. Marking the allergic person's place at the table and pointing it out to adult helpers or staff so they don't accidentally place unsafe food on top of the safe food that's already on the allergic person's plate. Having a working phone accessible to call emergency services in case of emergency.

Do they ask school to do the same thing??? Tell them to bring their own or better still keep the kids at home!

My youngest is allergic to peanuts and needs to carry an epi- pen. I would never leave him at a party unattended (he’s 5). The parents have to take responsibility for their child’s allergy, it’s not up to you. Just tell them you will provide options but it makes you nervous to have full responsibility.

If you can smell it, you are ingesting it.

Dairy might be airborne if in steam.

Some people say cooking destroys the proteins - that is not true from experience, some protein must remain as it does trigger symptoms and enough exposure can be anaphylactic

As for airborne gluten allergy, Allergy is rare for gluten. Gluten is an intolerance, albeit can be very bad. If it is a rare gluten allergy, I do not know personally if it can be airborne with gluten.

People that do not believe or understand severe airborne allergies need to just know this is a good way to gauge it.

It has to be in the air to be affecting someone. If it is in a powder form or is cooked and is in steamy air, it’s most likely to be a problem.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect you to make the entire party dairy and gluten-free, and I say this as the parent of a child with multiple severe allergies. I would never expect somebody to make their whole party dairy and egg free for my son, I’m just happy if they have asked me about my sons allergies and made sure there’s something safe for him to eat. Let’s face it, gluten-free cake and bread isn’t particularly nice and it would be such a shame for your daughter to not enjoy her own birthday food. I would explain to them that your daughter already has her heart set on a particular cake, but do you want to work together to make sure there are safe things for their child to enjoy.
By the way, I highly recommend these gluten-free vegan mini caterpillar cakes. Apart from soya they are allergen free and actually taste really nice.

Shocking parenting! Why can they not supervise a 2-5 year old child when the food comes out and make sure they don't eat anything they shouldn't? If the allergy is that severe they'll be doing this for many years (and how will they cope at nursery/school)?

It's absolutely not your responsibility! Agree with PPs, have a DF and GF table and let them bring food if they want. Or not come.

I think I was lucky with my DCs. They are teenagers now so it's a little while back, but we always did whole class parties in the garden/garage so there were 30/40 kids to cater for. We had one child who was DF and that was all. Looking back I expect that was quite unusual.......

Remind this mother that she better remember to bring the epi-pen.

Went through this a child in our son's class about 20 years.

She was a control freak that placed restrictions on everyone. It stopped when I asked the school if they had confirmation from the child's doctor about the allergies and how many epi-pens were on site.

@coldcallerbaiter people can be anaphylactic to anything according to my little boys allergy team. However there are more common culprits than others.

I imagine the parent in OP’s post is concerned about hands everywhere after the other kids have eaten, or little one getting their hands on something another kid has discarded. I took my little boy to soft play once and there was a kid in the baby area eating a slice of pizza. I had to take him back to his parents and explain that if my child managed to ingest some he’d come out in hives etc.

However, it is still not reasonable to expect someone to make their entire food offering free from the allergens unless it’s something easily done (eg. No celery/mustard/tomatoes). I always ensure my little one has a back up food supply even when I know we’re going somewhere where they’re good with him. Thankfully he’s grown out of the IGE mediated type of allergy now, but even still I watch him like a hawk because he can be quite unwell if he does get his hands on anything with his allergens in. He managed to get his hands on something in nursery the other week because he helped himself to something that had been put on the table, but he does usually ask if it’s suitable for him. Excitement clearly got the better of him 🙈.

Also, people don’t just have intolerances to gluten. Coeliac disease is an autoimmune condition which has very serious wide reaching health complications of people ingest even a crumb of gluten. Symptoms might not include anaphylaxis, but it is still very serious and that’s why you will often hear people say they have an allergy so people take it more seriously. You can also have separate allergies to wheat, oats etc which coeliacs would also not be able to eat. For example, wheat starch which has been refined to be under 20 parts per million can be suitable for coeliacs, but not for those with separate wheat allergies

I would say I’m sorry but it’s not possible for me to ensure all food is gluten free , I am happy to provide an alternative for your child but I cannot now change all of the food .

It’s extremely unreasonable to request that all the food , that they are not paying for , be gluten free . It’s their responsibility to watch their child and make sure they don’t eat anything they shouldn’t .

From the leading scientific body on gluten intolerance and coeliac disease. As parent of child with coeliac disease and lactose intolerance and immune deficiency, but agree many call coeliac an allergy to make the pint that the same rules apply. Even a crumb will make the sufferer ill.

Incidence is 1% of population, we will all know people with coeliac and at times have to cater or not, but there are about 20% of the population who have self diagnosed as gluten intolerant or even allergic and this doesn’t help those who have a medically confirmed condition as they don’t understand and can be laid back and give the impression a sprinkle of malt vinegar, or a tiny bite of biscuit, isn’t a problem.

Definitely not being unreasonable the other parent is, in fact they’re acting highly entitled.

my nephew has severe allergies like this and his mother would never impose on someone like this, she used to always take him his own food and watch him like a hawk. You can’t dictate what someone else’s party will be.

This parent will soon realise that when she stops getting invites for her child to attend parties.

I’d love to know what she did once you replied telling her it wasn’t possible OP, it’s so unrealistic to expect someone to go to all that trouble, especially as it’s your child’s birthday party so they should get to eat the food they love. I had to try gluten and dairy free for a little while to eliminate intolerances out, the food was disgusting 🤢

That's a huge responsibility for you.
I would reiterate the invitation still stands however she should bring her own food which you will keep separate.
She cannot impose rules at your child's party.

BYOB- bring your own bubble

My DD is a anaphylaxis. As a child we just took our own food to birthday parties😁

It would be different if it was an aerosol risk allergy such as peanut and you were serving peanut butter sandwiches but in this instance the parent has to bring her own (more expensive ) food for her child and make sure she doesn't eat other things. My son has multiple allergies and is 2 and he understands that some things are "him" snacks and some things aren't. It's sad he can't be totally included but that's the reality.

I do get really upset when people won't accommodate his allergies but this is an instance where they are being accommodated as much as possible.

I have a coeliac child , I always cater for her at parties and all parents make sure she has a party bag that's safe , I monitor her at parties and keep her safe myself.