Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

Putting the responsibility for that on you is absolutely dreadful. I'm assuming they don't demand any school/nursery/social group bans gluten and dairy so why make that demand for a party? It's totally unreasonable. If the allergies are that bad the child shouldn't be there if not being supervised by parents

YANBU. The parent is being ridiculous, she needs to be there and supervise her child and it made clear to her it’s her responsibility otherwise her child shouldn’t go.

She’s being ridiculous. DD is coeliac and I just always took food for her. My experience is lots of people don’t fully understand cross contamination so I wouldn’t expect them to provide food.
I’ve had grief from parents for taking our own food and one argued she could have catered and then 2 seconds later basically told me how she would gluten DD with her lack of knowledge.

Simple uninvite said child

Sorted

its quite common now to do each kid a separate lunch box/bag with their preferred sandwich in it. I did it for DD and it avoids waste because you know exactly how many sandwiches to make and you can portion out the treat snacks and make sure that any allergies are catered for. Could you do that? And reply to the parent saying that you can’t do that but there will be no food out on a table for him to help himself to and that he’ll have his own lunchbox and the cake in his party bag will be GF/DF.

I think I'd go back to awkward parent and offer to provide food for that child in a special individual box (even better if you can buy some of those cardboard fun lunch boxes for every child) but that you won't be able to make the other children's food DF and GF. Partly that is a big additional cost, partly because GF and DF food is pretty miserable limited, and there's no need to subject all the party goers to dry crumbly bread and tasteless cake.

(I'm saying this as an allergy sufferer myself!)

I would reply that you’ll make a separate serving of food for the child but you can’t make the entire party dairy or gluten free, nor be responsible for ensuring her child doesn’t eat the wrong stuff as you’ll be supervising the party as a whole. Then a “I hope your child can still make it but totally understand if you don’t feel the arrangements will work due to the severity of the allergies”.

Still requires supervision which the parents have said they wont/cant do. 2 to 5 year olds dont keep their food/hands to themselves even if they each have their own lunchbox.

For DS’s parties, we just make up little cardboard lunch boxes for each child. Is that at option?

Everyone has their own sandwich, pack of crisps, packet of biscuits in their own box. Platters of fruit and veg in the middle of the table to share, but could easily do an allergy child their own to avoid cross contamination.

Even if you were minded to try to accommodate this you can't possibly take the risk - if you are not used to avoiding these allergens then you may inadvertently go wrong or cross-contaminate. There is no way you can or should take that responsibility and I am amazed the mother is asking you to do so. As others have said - you need to go back to say you can't take on this responsibility and will understand if she wants to bring her own food and supervise or prefers to give the party a miss.

Yanbu

They don't attend the party, simple

I would understand if it’s a very serious allergy to something that can be easily avoided ( nuts, sesame). Gluten and dairy is too restrictive. Also the allergic child is not the host’s responsibility. I always bring options for my seriously allergic child and never leave them even if it’s a drop off party or play dates for that matter.

I'm coeliac and I wouldn't dream of telling my host the whole meal has to be gluten free. I usually ask the host what they are cooking and take my own similar food. Or a dish I can eat and other people can share too.

YANBU...vegan parent here, would never expect a non-vegan child's party to be vegan just so my daughter wasn't at risk of eating the wrong thing! I always appreciate when we're catered for, but it's absolutely my/our responsibility to make sure she doesn't eat the wrong thing. I appreciate an allergy is slightly different, but still, it's the parent's responsibility.

I speak as an allergy sufferer and parent of a DC with several allergies, some anaphylactic -

They are being ridiculous to request all food at the party be dairy and gluten free. if their child is so allergic that they cannot risk them being somewhere where those foods are present, then they just can’t attend.

They are free to say they don’t trust your catering (politely, but that’s what it comes down to!) and will bring their own food for child, and supervise them to make sure they only eat their own food, but they can’t dictate what you serve to the rest of the guests.

I have previously told parents that my DS is allergic to peanuts and they have made sure there are no peanuts served, but that is a lot easier than no dairy or gluten (even one or the other wouldn’t be so bad!). I also haven’t demanded that they don’t have peanuts, they have offered.

I assume your nursery/school serves dairy and gluten? So the child is not at risk by the allergen being present in the building

I'm sorry, but I don't have the knowledge to ensure your child stays safe whilst supervising children over the food. The place themselves cannot ensure no gluten/dairy (lie). Child is welcome to bring own food if supervised by yourself, or child is welcome to stay and leave when food is served.

My LO is dairy free. I don’t expect her to be catered for and bring a box for her. I wouldn’t dream of trying to impose this on others. Just suggest they bring their own and they need to supervise

My son has an inherited metabolic disorder that can cause irreversible brain damage if he has too much protein (most people eat around 60g a day, he can only have 28g before any damage starts) so no meat, eggs, cheese, even a lot of vegan meat alternatives aren’t suitable and I am saying YANBU! Sure I would appreciate maybe some vegan/veggie options and I would need to count how much of it he has, but otherwise I would bring my own! Plus my son is autistic so is fussy with brands too, just easier! Yes adjust the cake to be suitable (I know you can as my mum makes cakes suitable for one of my aunties with a similar diet) if you can but doesn’t need to be everything.

They are being completely unreasonable, I would say no but we can do an individual play date with no dairy/gluten

That’s not a request; it’s a demand.

It’s tough having a child with severe allergies but these parents need to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around their daughter.

You have offered to cater, or they can bring their own food, but totally unreasonable to expect you to totally exclude the allergens in this situation. And it is their responsibility to supervise their child, not yours.

The Parent should Provide a safe packed lunch for their child and take responsibility for them at the party.

I wouldn't want they kind of responsibility placed on me especially on a busy day hosting a kids party where I can't be 100% focused on one child.

Totally ridiculous. Just send a polite reply saying it will be too difficult to avoid these foods completely. I understand your concern and you are welcome to stay and supervise.

it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks

This translates to - we don't want to be around our child and reign them in when they see the other kids enjoying a cake they can't have.

The parent needs to attend themselves and be responsible for what their child eats. It's grossly unfair to expect you to cater your DD's party effectively for one child (who isn't even the one having the birthday). Having gluten and dairy free options is reasonable.

Only child, recently diagnosed, parents overprotective and overthinking things?

It wouldn't even be close to the most bonkers things I've heard on the coeliac forums, but it's a totally unreasonable request.