Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

[coverp]

DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

It’s the parents responsibility to make sure the child doesn’t eat anything he shouldn’t.

YANBU
I always offer to bring her own food, payment towards the extra costs. Usually parents will find something for her to have and say no, however, it should be her offering to help you rather than whole party being made GF/DF/NF etc

We've taken our own food to parties before to cater for dds allergies. Can you ask the parent to bring something to reduce cross contamination?

I’ve been to a few parties where little packed lunches have been made for the children in nice paper lunch bags. I’m not sure how you plan to serve the food but if this is an option for you, they could easily bring their own food and you could give them a bag to put their food in so their child feels included. This is as far as I would go in ways of pleasing everyone and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Personally I’d never ask and be awkward, I’d just be glad my child was invited to the party and the rest I would sort myself.

Well you did ask about allergies! There is a child attending with a serious allergy and you are saying - tough - not going to help.
In future word your invites better - say you are happy to cater for dietary requirements, but do not want to take responsibility for children with serious allergies. Parents of those children are more than welcome to attend as well or provide their child with their own packed lunch. At least the parents of children with life threatening conditions know where they stand.
YANBU to take responsibility for these poor kiddies, but YABU to offer and then withdraw.

@coverp .
I have two 3 year olds with allergies. I would totally not expect there to be no food with “gluten/dairy/nuts” as that wouldn’t really be fair on everyone. At this age the parents should be supervising. I usually say that I’ll bring along a little pack lunch if there is any problems, as I know it’s a bit of a minefield.

In the persons defence as an “allergy mum”, it is very stressful to navigate birthdays if you have a child who loves food and tries to grab everything. Luckily mine are usually too busy with playing to care much about food

Less than one in 1000has gluten intolerance, no one has a true gluten allergy which is when the body goes into shock and is of course highly dangerous. BUT one in 100 have coeliac disease, an incurable immune disease where eating gluten will cause food poisoning type symptoms and damage to the villi which will take weeks to repair. People with coeliac are more likely to be lactose intolerant too. But again an intolerance will not be life threatening. A dairy allergy, very rare, will as with all allergies Br dangerous due to anaphylaxis. My concern is people self diagnosing such things in their children. If this child has a medically prove allergy they will have an epi pen. If I was their parent I would do as one did at a party I once held, send their child with a Tupperware of safe food and we liaised on what party food they could have. My DD had coeliac, diagnosed the only medically proven way from a biopsy carried out under surgery and camera ‘both ends’, she also was diagnosed through blood tests with an IGA deficiency that can Co exist with lactose intolerance, asthma and hay fever. I wouldn’t wish either on anyone. She is an adult now and it restricts every meal out and even where she can go on holiday. We host Christmas every year (happily) because there is no fear of cross contamination as the whole house becomes gluten free when she stays. I wouldn’t expect others to do this. Offer what you can but you cannot make a gluten free environment, it is extremely difficult and very expensive as my daughter and I know.

Has not had - there is no cure (yet🤞)

It is of course, and I’m not referencing this particular case necessarily, but for some children, a trace contact can be life threatening. And because of this they miss out on a lot. I’m saying this for awareness only, as many people seem to totally misunderstand.

No parent of a child with severe allergies would ask this. Fear alone would keep a parent from putting the responsibility on a random mum to ensure their child was safe.
You can usually tell the allergy mums. They're the ones with lunchboxes and snacks and I guarantee that they ALWAYS look stressed/are never relaxed when navigating the world of childrens birthday parties.
They also WANT their children to be invited and part of the 'group' so would not risk that by making unreasonable demands. It's isolating enough without making things even worse for the child/ren

Tell them our venue double-booked and you're now holding it at Dairy Queen!

This is insane of the gluten/dairy parent. It's not an airborne problem! If you are making a gluten free/dairy free cake then use 1/4 tsp of xanthan gum with the gluten free flour to aid the texture. Becky Excell has brilliant recipes but essentially that's all I do differently in any of my cakes. GF flour accepts more liquid than standard so you could add a splash of (dairy free) milk to assist, or water. You are already being very accommodating. When I host DD party I make it all GF but could never impose that on a hosting parent!

It depends on how severe the allergies are, ie are they life threatening? there’s a big difference in dairy intolerance (mild discomfort) or dairy allergy (life threatening). If they are, as is the case in some, this little kid cannot be around any dairy, as small particles of milk protein from others eating can make it into the air and this child can get severely ill just from breathing in that air, as well as cross contamination of anything they touch and then put into their mouth. So it depends on your relationship with the mum, and your assessment whether it’s a situation where this kid would be forever left out of birthday parties unless kind people like you make an effort, or it’s just a fashionable I don’t want my child to eat dairy therefore I’m declaring her to be allergic case.

My DD2 has an egg allergy. I always said I would take her food with me to parties. Until she was old enough to 100% stick to that food I asked to stay (in advance and always accepted happily by party givers).

It was my responsibility to keep her safe.

I take offence to your comment. I am an allergy mum and l am none of those things. You can’t put all allergy mums in one box! Just ridiculous. I had never asked anyone to provide food for my children. I have brought my own food, but not been clutching at the lunch box!! The parties that my friends held they did provide food that my children could eat and no drama was had at all.

Make sure drinks are dairy free. My son went to a 4 year olds party once and everyone had a carton of milkshake except the dairy allergy kid. He had his own separate food and his Mum carefully watching over him. The kid opposite squeezed his carton and milkshake squirted out onto this kid's face and in his eye and the mum had to quickly wipe his face and then dashed out of the building. He was seriously ill but made a full recovery.

I've been to birthday parties before where food was given out in little bags, a bit like a Happy Meal. Worked well and would keep the vg gf kid away from the cheese sandwiches.

They're having a giraffe. If they want a fully dairy- and gluten-free party they can organise and cater their own.
If they 'can't guarantee' the kid won't eat it, what else about their child's safety can't they guarantee?
I'd just repeat your response without engaging any more: 'I'm providing GF/DF options [on a separate table if that's what you're doing]. All parents know they need to stay, supervise and be responsible for what their children eat.'

Sounds like either the child shouldn't attend parties, or the parent has to stay close by ensuring child eats only what they bring.

There’s a bigger issue too, which is what is going on when so many children have allergies now? I grew up in the nineteen fifties, and although I’m sure some kids, of course, did have allergies, I never came across one. Until I developed a nasty allergy to something myself in my twenties.
we are eating heavily polluted and messed with food which is destroying our bodies’ normal responses.
Why aren’t we all up in arms?

I would say I will be buying gluten free cakes but please can you provide any other food for you child.

We have Coeliacs and dairy intolerance in our family. There’s really no need to keep everything gluten and dairy free, we don’t. It’s up to the child’s DM to watch what they eat and if you’re providing stuff they can eat, that’s sufficient.

Neither Coeliacs or dairy intolerance has anything to do with allergies. Coeliacs is an autoimmune disease. Dairy intolerance is caused by not making the enzyme lactase.

YANBU at all! In the nicest way, if mine had allergies I’d rather not put someone else in that position and provide their food myself so I knew for sure what was in it.

As it goes, my little one is tube fed, imagine demanding no kids can eat food orally at the party because mine doesn’t 😂They’re being ridiculous.

Have a great party x

The production of lactase is relevant to lactose intolerance. I have it and it’s easy to manage. A dairy allergy, as mentioned in the OP is completely different and can cause throat swelling, anaphylaxis, just like a nut allergy for example, so it is more serious. Mine just means I need to lay off the ice cream or face the consequences 💩