Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

😱

I feel really cross with allergy parents that act like this.

I never expect a party host to go out of their way to sort food. We always provide all food and I always stay on site (perhaps hidden away now children are older) so they wouldn't be responsible if there was a reaction

How is this child going to survive school?

There are limits. They need to learn them.

I would go back and say that it’s not possible as you are catering for a number of children’s dietary requirements and non dairy / non gluten doesn’t work for all . My DGD has a dairy intolerance and my DD either takes her own food or closely supervises what she eats .

I’m a coeliac and my little boy is dairy and soya free due to allergies. In no way shape or form would I ever expect someone to make their entire food offering free from all of those things. In fact, two out of the 4/5 parties he’s been to which weren’t family parties I took food for him and didn’t even mention his allergies. I also often cater for him for family parties too. I do get it asst the last family event kids were eating quavers and leaving them everywhere, it put me on edge a bit but I stuck to him like glue. It’s actually easier at parties which are outside of a home (where generally people don’t have tables big enough to seat everyone) because you can find your own little eating space.

We are having a party for my little boys birthday and everything be will dairy and soya free there because it’s his party

Absolutely ridiculous. They better take care of their kid better then.

You’re the kind of parent all us allergy mums hope to come across ❤

I appreciate it’s difficult for children with allergies and their parents. But you really can’t expect the whole of the party food to be changed to suit one child.
It’s your child’s party and the one time when they can have some treats and what they want, this parent is being ridiculous.

What @Blogswife said. Tell the person you can't cater for that and if they'd rather not come because of it, you totally understand.

‘Sure you understand’- no I don’t, actually. It’s rude to expect everyone to pander to your very specific needs, not many would do this unless it was for a very close relative. She should just bring food for her child and keep them away from the party food, that’s just life with allergies.

It actually was childhood infections that protected people.
The immune system had something to fight ( not always successfully).

Now without the germs, dirt and infection, the immune system malfunctions and latches on to harmless foods. It then is passed on in the DNA of a parent.

Pesticides was seen as a culprit too, the 1960s onwards was the start and then it exploded.

Milk allergy is the failure to thrive in some babies we heard of in the past but the others like kiwi and nut - they are new, recent maybe 1-2 generations old.

This. There are other children with other food needs. They need to supervise their child.

In fairness kiwi allergy is largely only "new" because we only started seeing kiwi fruit in the supermarket a couple of generations ago

I am not disputing environmental factors but better diagnosis is also a big part of it. Looking back I obviously had egg and milk allergies growing up. I vomited every time I had them and had a real aversion. But even my family (stuffed with doctors) concluded I was fussy rather than exploring allergies. I also now realise I have a kiwi fruit allergy but growing up I didn't think to mention that I avoided them because they made my mouth and throat itch. It was only when my children were diagnosed with allergies that the penny dropped that I had also had them throughout my childhood

Instead of doing a table full of lots of food

you could do individual boxes

a sandwich, crisps, sausage roll or similar

most would have the same anyway
so it’s only a couple of boxes that would need different prep

"It's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it." I'm sorry but THAT is the voice of lazy, lousy parents who cannot be bothered to feed or control their child. They absolutely CAN guarantee he won't eat it, they just monitor what is on his plate. If that's really too hard, they pack him a lunch box, or even ask you to put him together a plate of food he can have before putting the food out, but not ban the other food. If the allergies are really serious, they might be concerned cross contamination from children with other food on their hands. We have two friends who are coeliac, and they would probably bring packed lunches to the party. This is because child 1 might take some bread, then take some cheese. My coeliac friends couldn't then take cheese to eat, unless they were 100% sure that either the first kid didn't touch the cheese they would take, or that he'd washed his hands before between touching the bread and touching the cheese. However, that is NOT expecting the host to change everyone's food plan, or being unable to guarantee their child won't "eat it"!

I respectfully suggest that's not the whole story. I don't remember any kids failing to thrive at my schools, or being in any way sickly, and none died young. And I'm not Victorian, I'm talking about the 1960s and 1970s, we did have antibiotics and vaccinations then. I lived in a pretty poor area of the country, too- pre-secondary, I'd say it was a deprived one- the only kids who were on the thin side were a very small number of kids who didn't get enough to eat (though it was not as bad then as it is now). I asked DH and he remembers two kids with allergies in all his years at school. I'm not saying this to be critical, quite the reverse. We need to find out what's causing this. Because there is definitely something worrying going on, apart from things like thanks to our appalling government there are now around 3x as many kids with rickets -actual rickets- as there were back then.

There is lots of research going on into the environmental factors exacerbating the issues. But (having spoken to some of the people involved in the research) there is also very much an accepted view that allergies have always existed and children would have just died in infancy (or been unwell throughout childhood) ..increased diagnosis is absolutely a factor.

I was a very poorly small child until I got old enough to refuse egg and milk. I know now I undoubtedly have an egg and milk allergy as well as a kiwi allergy. I had all the symptoms as a child but wasn't diagnosed. I have spoken to plenty of other adults who have since realised the same.

I would be tempted to send a message out saying can you lot sort out the menu between you and I'll provide it?

Because my children have multiple food allergies very often the free from options available are gluten free too. Sorry the rolls, biscuits, cakes etc that they have had have been tank, the texture is gritty and they are far more expensive than "normal" options.

If it’s so dangerous the parent should be providing the food.

kindly tell them your not confident in getting it right and would hate to put their child at risk with a simple mistake and ask them to provide their own food for the kid.

i agree you should suggest the Mother of X should provide her food - but I would also say she must stay and supervise.

Make a little lunch box like thing for gluten free child. Say this is x's safe foods please only let x eat this.

In my sons class we had a child who was so allergic to egg that when the class mascot teddy bear went to his house he ended up in hospital as an earlier parent had included it in a baking session with her child (each child had it for the weekend and had to do an activity, take pictures and do a diary entry as the toy)

The mum should have washed the toy before allowing her son to touch it but allergies can be really dangerous

Ask the parent if it is an allergy with anaphalaxis or an intollerance. Is it only triggered by ingestion or are they touch allergic (can trigger without eating it)

If they are touch sensitive with a dangerous allergy then i would exclude the triggers for the party as we did for this lad. The only thing which had egg was the cake (his mum brought him a slice of his own he could have) and the cake was cut up and taken home and he went nowhere near where it was.

If it is intollerance and has to be eaten i would go down the individual boxes route with everyone having a lunch box and some additional safe options in the middle for extras. You can ask mum for a list of safe options or ask her to provide her childs food but have all the kids with those party boxes so the poor child isnt sitting with a tupperware and singled out as different.

I would just ‘I will do a specific separate plate for him but I won’t be making it all dairy/gluten free. I’m confident he will be absolutely fine as he is at school lunchtimes’

I understand their concern but that just feels really rude to me. Why should all plans change just for one child that isn’t even your own, that’s crazy I’m sorry. YANBU.

Definitely reply, with fewer words the better, to stop further dialogue.
“As you can appreciate, this isn’t manageable at an event like this, so you will need to help your child plate their food”