Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

[coverp]

DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

My daughter had a child come to her birthday party who is lactose intolerant. Fortunately, it was a soft play, where that sort of thing could easily be catered for: food with things like chicken nuggets and sausages. I did provide some chocolate cupcakes that were lactose free so that the child wouldn’t go without cake in their party bag. But his mum, who I know quite well, would not expect an entire party to go lactose free just for her child. YANBU

I’m dairy & gluten free, thanks to traumatic birth of my daughter & even after 12yrs it is a struggle for me, but I would NEVER request this & if my child had the issue I would never be so rude as to demand this either!
Sounds like they just don’t want to watch what their child is eating & can’t be bothered to deal with the fall out from their child eating something they shouldn’t!
If the issue is an intolerance inform them straight, via text - this covers you legally because they sound like the suing kind - & verbally if necessary, that they need to watch their child but you will provide ample suitable food for their child on a specifically coloured plate so they know it is theirs.
If it is an allergy then they take full responsibility when they bring the child to the party also because the part is not able
to be a completely allergen free place.
If you did want to give baking a gluten, dairy, nut & animal products free cake a go check out this lady’s page on Facebook. She has done A LOT of recipe experimenting & they rarely go wrong .https://www.facebook.com/Glutarama

At all is very unreasonable of the other parents. You are trying to cater for all but they are wanting to dictate.

Yanbu

Yes correct! Now if I fancy ice cream, I take lactase tablets.

F*ing ridiculous. Tell her to bring food for her dc.
Reminds me of a friend of ours whose partner does not like onions. Friend was making dinner for us. Onion was an integral part of the dish. We were looking forward to it. Also, it could very easily be split into onion and non-onion. But no - friend make everything onion-free so we all had to eat bland food with one of the main ingredients missing.
I HATE it when one person dictates what a group of people can eat (not including nut allergies etc)

I would just say you won't be able to accommodate their request, and as their child's safety is paramount I am sure you will understand.

I would definitely reply with a 'We would absolutely love X to be able to attend the party but unfortunately don't feel comfortable with that level of responsibility, it hasn't been budgeted for and it would mean excluding some of the birthday child's favourites'
Maybe soften it with what you'll be providing for gf/df child or gf ham sarnie, houmous and carrot sticks etc and check they are suitable. Or just suggest a packed lunch which is likely to be easier for the parents than risking their little one not liking the only food they can eat!

Agree with all pp who say this absolutely not your responsibility and the parent is being very unreasonable to expect it. The child's parents, one or other, or carer, need to be there to supervise him/her closely.

Some good suggestions of a response to her too on here.

YANBU, you asked the question and made it clear that the parents need to be there and take responsibility.

I had a friend whose child had a nut allergy and she would stay with him at mealtimes to ensure that he didn't eat anything. She never expected anyone to not serve it to other children. She also took some of their own food so that he always had enough to eat.

The parents need to be there at the meal time and take responsibility for watching him, or he doesn't attend, their choice.

My friend who is Coeliac uses the same knives, chopping board and toaster as the rest of her family. I would suggest they stay and supervise their child's food. Making it all no nuts or no pork is actually pretty easy by comparison. Have some food items they can eat but tbh kids don't eat much at parties anyway.

As youve said not that you have a desire to learn but to make a gluten free cake all you do is replace self raising flour with gluten free self raising flour. It tastes exactly the same.

If someone else is cooking then all bets are off and they cook what they want, IMO. And it's easy to say they could have made two versions, but I personally wouldn't cook two lots of food just to cater for a preference.

Although I have to say that I wouldn't choose to cook something for a group if it had an integral ingredient that my DP didn't like

Just buy a few packaged gf and dairy free items, OP. Leave them in the boxes so Mum can check ingredients before she gives them to her kid.

The other children, including the birthday boy or girl, should not miss out on their favourite treats because of one kid. Fast track to them all hating the fun-spoiler.

As a coeliac I know that even a crumb of bread will make me horrendously ill. Plus gluten /dairy free food is pretty gross and expensive and the kids probably wouldn’t like much of it. Baking gf food takes time and patience to learn. It’s not as simple as gluten containing cakes. They should provide their child with a packed lunch and supervise.

Yes, I know what you mean about all bets are off but the dish could have split into two very easily. Think of a meatball mixture that has onions added: very easy to break off a non-onion portion then add onion to the rest.
I agree with your last point, too and friend was idiotic- friend had said the week before “Oh I love liver and onions! And I know you two love it! Shall I make it for us all next week?”
Friend served it up without the onions ‘because DP doesn’t like them”
It wasn’t actually liver and onions but you get my drift. Maybe he should have made onion soup without onions 🤣Friend can be a bit of an idiot tbh.
The whole thing was just stupid. 🙄

Those parents are insane, actually really dangerous in my opinion to rely on other parents to know how to cater for specific allergies. The cake surely will be cut up and put in the children’s party bags anyway and not actually served at the party?

She needs to supervise her own child! She can't restrict what other kids eat on account of her child. Tell her you will clearly label that which is both gluten and dairy free and then it's up to her! CF!
The only time I ever took anything totally off the table was for one of my DC's very best friends who was so allergic to peanuts that she could go into anaphylactic shock just by being in the same room as them. But no gluten AND no dairy in the same items? That's going to be super restrictive and not fair on the birthday girl or other guests!

No regular home cook can guarantee a gluten free environment at home so you cannot guarantee that there will be no cross contamination. I choose not to cook for a friend with severe nut allergy for this reason, as I use a lot of nuts in my cooking. Even if I cooked a nut free meal I could not guarantee that no crumbs will come into contact with the food, however much I clean. We eat out!

I think the only issue is if the child is so allergic to gluten that air born is a problem. We have a teacher who has issues and even going into the dinning room after they have cleaned up can be a problem for her. But if you can't cater for this then the parents should be aware that their child won't be able to attend all parties.

If it's just a case of eating the food then they should also know that they may need to take there own food or not expect everything to be safe to eat.

To be honest dairy free is fairly easy now and I have some lovely gluten free cakes, but it is harder the cater for and parents shouldn't expect it.

YANBU My son had a life threatening allergy to eggs and I never once asked anyone to cater for him. I baked all the time and took food everywhere we went. If we popped in to visit a friend and they brought out a cake or biscuits I couldn't explain to a 2 year old that everyone else could eat it but he couldn't so took something for him just in case. His nursery school had a bring and buy so I had to make a selection and told his teacher he could only buy his own food Lol. Other than that I was always there to make sure he didn't eat anything he shouldn't. My child my responsibility.

Allergy mum here, they are being ridiculous.

Is there such a thing as dairy and gluten allergy so severe that they cannot be in the same room as it?

how does school catering work then?

That's an outrageous request. It's far beyond the level of no peanuts which are actually easy to avoid.
I'm coeliac and take my own.
Cakes are actually really easy you just use gluten free flour blend with a little extra milk as its drier. But they're more fragile and don't keep as well.
Biscuits are almost impossible to get nice, as is pastry. Bread can be very variable but it's also the expense. To feed a whole party full of kids with shop bought gluten free biscuits is about 3x more expensive for only 50% of the quantity, same for bread!
Even lots of crisps are full of gluten, you have read every label, same for cornflakes or rice krispies for cake making. They all have added ingredients with gluten in.

It’s not that the kid can’t be in the same room. The mum just doesn’t want to have to parent and make sure the kid only eats from
their own plate.

Hi parent

happy to provide GF and DF options but unfortunately I won’t be able to rearrange the whole food offer. So sorry! But of course we hope you can still come and stay to supervise what little xxx eats on the day

i hope you understand!!!!