Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

My dd2 was dairy free and my MiL would keep giving her chocolate as she didn't realise it had milk in!! Even the local bakers would ring me up to ask if eggs were okay ( yes not made from milk).

This is certainly what my friend does. Dairy free

Another allergy parent here to DS with multiple food allergies. He either brought his own bag of food or I choose a plate of safe foods and he stuck to those. DS knew from an early age not to eat anything I didn't approve of first. He has been checking ingredients since he was a toddler.

When he was younger I often stayed at parties just to be sure. He only had birthday cake once when a lovely parent make a rice Krispy caterpillar cake and checked all the ingredients with me first. I still remember it 9 years later. He was thrilled!!

She is being unreasonable she needs to teach her child how to manage her allergy, she cant expect others to make such huge allowances for her. I would expect a parent not to serve peanuts at a party my peanuts allergic child attended but I wouldnt expect them to check every item to see if it contained nuts.

I would just serve everything gf and df on a separate table to the rest of the food.

This sounds like a sensible option to me - I wouldn’t want the responsibility of managing food for someone that could potentially seriously harm them if I got it wrong.

I would probably leave everything out in its packaging too & let the parent know in advance that I would be doing this, so they could double check all the ingredients & make sure that everything was 100% ok for their child to eat.

I’d probably only go to this extra effort if it was a particular friend of my child though to be honest. Otherwise I’d do what others have said & suggest to the parent that they bring their own packed lunch along for their child.

’i am so sorry to hear your child suffers so badly. Just to be on the safe side I think it’s best if you bring food for them and stick around to ensure he/she is safe at all times. I am not really familiar with gluten free and dairy free options and need to make sure the rest of the kids eat well. ‘ honestly, I totally get that there are allergies out there but you cannot be expected to cater specifically for that one child by making all others eat the same.

This mum is v unreasonable. I am mum of the multiple allergy child and it’s a huge burden to put on someone else. She needs to manage her child’s food or bring a packed lunch - we find it completely normal to bring our own party food, cake and party bag treats and gives us peace of mind too. It’s seriously unfair too on your DD as it will inevitably restrict her choices for party food.

I'd put money on this child not having a real allergy.

Well I am not in the UK but what party places did when my kids were going to parties, is they played FIRST and ate SECOND. That way, the play equipment did not get contaminated and the kids were sitting down when the allergy food was served. I brought our own food for my allergic kid and watched like a hawk to make sure no one touched him with cake hands. If necessary I had a buffer zone of an empty chair to ensure he didn't accidentally get touched with dairy cake. Even up to age 10 or so (which is when the large parties stopped and kids were more doing smaller 5-person parties), I never felt comfortable leaving him there alone as the birthday mom was too busy managing everything else and those parties can get chaotic. So I just made sure I was present to ensure no cross contamination. Once they got out the fancy paper plates, I would grab one for my kid and put his special food in it, in front of him, so it was clear he was eating his own thing. We never had a reaction at parties and the birthday moms were relieved they didn't have to take responsiblity for his allergies.

It's not so much a "lack of compassion", but not wanting to take responsibility for managing multiple allergies in one child.

I am not nor have I ever been a professional caterer/cook, or any other role where I would be trained and experienced in managing somebody's food allergies. No one in my family has allergies. I would not feel comfortable taking on that sort of responsibility for the first time ever with someone else's small child while slinging together some beige stuff and a cake for my child's party in my kitchen, because I don't want to hurt a small child!

How entitled to expect someone to cater a whole party to your childs requirements!

I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to cater a while party gluten and dairy from. It would be massively more expensive for a start, it would be difficult to get typical party for (for example no ready to eat mini sausages are gluten free and gluten free bread is£3+ for a tiny loaf plus you could do all that and accidentally cross contaminate all the sandwiches by putting a filling in that you had previously touched after touching gluten bread. I would be happy to get some cupcakes or something instead of the cake and keep some safe crisps or other bits that could be kept in the packaging and served straight to the child (because of any one touches something with gluten in and then touches the gluten free food is contaminated) or the child can bring their own.
If the children were older and your child only had a few friends round for their birthday I would attempt to cater it all with safe foods for the allergies (I did everything dairy free once for one of my daughter's friends) but for a big party it's just too expensive and difficult

Yanbu.

Tell them you can provide some dairy and gluten free options but you can not make all the party food fairy and gluten free. Parent needs to supervise her child.

My kid has an allergy. I would never insist someone else cater their entire party to not have his allergen at all. Although I would be upset if they refused to provide any dairy free food for him.

If it was a simpler one like nuts I'd make the whole party but free but diary and gluten are in to much.

Wow - First of all I'm going to be honest and say I've simply not had time to read all the replies but my take on this is that as they grow up this DC is going to face many many situations were there is food available that they simply can not eat. This is sad and unfortunate but society is not going to cater specifically to them even if it makes allowances - as you plan to do. You can get gluten free vegan pizzas in the supermarkets - frankly I'd be warming up one of those, adding in some dairy free / vegan cake (i managed to get one in Asda on party cake shelf) then giving them crisps and fruit. It's not as if you wouldn't be making an effort.

Secondly - you are right to ask parents to stay. Half way through DD's 5th birthday party I found a voice mail from a parent who'd left her dd (she'd phoned about 5 minutes before I got the message. "Forgot to mention L is vegan"... Raced to table where they were all scoffing and found L stuffing down fairy cakes, choccy biscuits and sausage rolls. I was very tempted not to admit it but decided to in case L was sick and she was utterly furious with me as it was apparently my fault.- sadly L who was a lovely little girl never came to one of DD's parties again However after that insisted on being notified of that sort of thing with the RSVP and parents of those with severe allergies or restricted diets tended to stay.

I don't think the op should agree to this but yes when my child was anaphylactically allergic to milk, we had no milk at all in the house.

It's not much to ask for them to watch their own child, tell them your happy to provide food for their child but they will have to supervise their own child

No she can't ask that, it's madness. If your child has an allergy, you need to provide safe food and supervise. My DD had a gluten intolerant friend (teenager) It was really difficult as I just didn't know what was safe (and I bought Gf bread etc, I really tried) I didn't realise vinegar on chips was a no no. Thankfully the friend was excellent at avoiding things.

I’d think you are being trolled. It’s too silly to be true

A parent of a child with GF/DF allergies coming to my DD’s party messaged me to tell me and asked if I would like her to bring food for the child. I said I would provide food and made her her own lunch box and triple checked all the ingredients. The mum thanked me and said she really wouldn’t have minded but it was so lovely that her DD got to have the same (almost) as everyone else. That’s the way it should be handled!

First off u shouldn’t have asked dietary requirements!!
most people with kids that have serious allergies would always bring their own separate lunchbox and supervise anyways !
I have a daughter with severe nut allergy!

I recently organised my DS's 10th birthday party for about 20 guests and we actually did exactly what that person requested and made sure that all the food we served was gluten, dairy and nut free because I wanted everyone to be able to eat whatever they wanted. Our DS has no allergies.

It was actually quite easy. The cake was made with gluten free flour and Stork margerine, and I just bought crisps, pizzas and little cakes, nibbles and stuff from the Free From section in the supermarket. DS had already made it clear he had a "no sandwiches at my party" rule, so that wasn't a problem, and fruit is all fine.

So it is possible, but it is totally unreasonable for it to be expected. One of the mothers of the other children actually cried and gave me a hug because they had never been to a party where their issues were taken so seriously. Obviously I didn't tell DS or any of the other kids they were eating anything special. I just told the relevant DPs that I had their back.

But I voted you are NOT being unreasonable. I think it's just rude of the woman to ask.

ugh I have a gluten and dairy free child and I would not dream of asking this, it’s difficult enough to cater for her let alone party. She’s 5 now and has learnt to check first. If I don’t think there’s going to be suitable stuff I just take her a lunchbox

The parents need to supply food for the child and also shadow them to check they’re not eating anything they shouldn’t.

I'm knowledgeable on allergies and more than happy and confident to cater for all allergy and dietary requirements at parties. I'm pro no nuts on planes etc, and when we have a coeliac visit for play dates I always do my DC the same gluten free food etc etc But this is ridiculous! If the parent had said 'thank you for the invite, but I'm struggling with DC's allergies at the moment and them wanting to eat food they can't have, and even bringing our own food seems to cause upset, I hope it is just a phase and they will learn to understand but I will decline the invite for now, I hope you understand and your DC has a lovely birthday'. Then I might consider making all the food allergy friendly if affordable and works with others dietary requirements. But to dictate like this and your own DC's birthday cake etc is just SO entitled! I wouldn't be doing it or want them at the party.

Gluten AND dairy free food for a whole party would make it significantly more expensive too.

I did once have a parent with a child with a nut allergy tell me specifically when I asked and sent photos that their child couldn't have 'may contains' I know this is personal choice for most with nut allergy, as the risk is small, but for some people with severe reactions, not worth the risk. I said no problem, and went out to a supermarket that isn't local to hunt out the specific alternative the parent had suggested. I had one regular birthday cake, one gluten free birthday cake for another child (both may contains) and the individually wrapped nut free cakes. Then the parent took regular cake for the child, after I'd handed over the safe cake bought specially. When I mentioned it was the may contain parent said 'Oh, it's ok we don't mind some 'may contains' ' 🙄🙄 so a huge waste of my time and money.