AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

[BreatheSEN]

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

YANBU OP, sorry to hear your Mum has been unhelpful with arrangements for making the meal later.

I do wonder if you need to have an honest discussion with her about your little girl's needs and about how you feel that your mum is letting you and your daughter down.

Try to get your mum to be honest too. Maybe she has some anxieties / prejudices around SEN children that need to be dealt with going forward? (and if so those issues would obviously be her responsibility to work through & to improve her attitude to your
daughter's needs).
You could even find some resources that you could give your mum & other family members to help them understand your daughter's needs if you haven't already done so.

Hopefully then next year your daughter will be included (with reasonable adjustments) in making traditions & mixing with her cousins as she should be.

It sucks when family don’t get it or you fear they are slowly excluding. There may be a tacit assumption that as she’s 5, you and she should be in the swing of how to manage things. Honestly, no one really gets how a child with SEND is in practice unless you are spending a substantial amount of time with your child. It is (or in the past was incredibly frustrating and lonely) when others decide for you what works or doesn’t.
I’d talk to family and the venue for meal and work out if you can work out a contingency plan if there is a meltdown or whatever you fear. It is good for cousins to know and see your DD as part of these gatherings. A meal, panto, various kids of various ages and added excitement is v unlikely to be a smooth run for any of the guests. Is there a quiet alt you and DD can escape to if it’s all too much? I slightly imagine the baby won’t nap either so see you and baby et al all having to break early and going off somewhere quieter? And that could be true later as well. Other kids will be over stimulated post panto and restaurant busier. So if family are fine with you saying you’ll try but can’t guarantee until the day then go for it.

if OP's DD is too tired by 11, wouldnt that also apply on school days?

Yes but that's a school day and difficult to avoid that happening, this ain't. The demands of the situation are also different.

Hi OP,
I think a lot of the comments are incredibly harsh towards you and your daughter!
I'd be upset too.
But they may not fully understand your DD needs?

I think personally having a child with sen in life there are those that understand her needs and those that don’t. Sometimes this includes family. Of course she will be overwhelmed starting a new school is going to be huge for her. In your position I would bail this year. But speak to your mum about involving her more next year. Concentrate on her school trials this year. Could you plan something that she can do that her cousins could be involved with for another week? I hear you though it’s hard…

I think YANBU. From a mother with ASD and ADHD children, i understand why you feel hurt.
I would also be questioning why, since it's meant to be a tradition with ALL GRANDCHILDREN, that they have chosen to make it at a pantomime, where they know it is not suitable for your daughter and her needs. Surely they could have chosen something that could include all grandchildren equally.....
I'm not trying to make a negative out of something positive, but why should your daughter have to miss out on important family time because they can't be bothered to accommodate.
Please speak up. You are your daughters biggest advocate. She shouldn't have to miss out. Sending hugs x

OP - I think a lot of people on this thread really do not understand what it might be like to have a child with SN and the complexities of family meals and such. My son is now an adult but I remember those days well. You have had some harsh comments but that is much more about the posters than it is about you. This year I would politely decline the invitation and concentrate her energies on settling into her new school.

Can you two shut the fuck up and take your petty squabbles to DMs and stop derailing the thread?

OP has came here for advice not to listen to two nobheads chuntering on and desperate to get the last word. Pathetic the pair of you.

Hi OP,
Looking ahead to next year perhaps you can get in early and influence the family meet up activity or plan an additional one.

Last year we went to the Snowdome at Tamworth and we are going again this year. You get a bit of time to pull the children round on sledges, walk jn the snow, use little slides, a mini panto that I think was 20-30 minutes if I recall and then a nice space with animals, a merry-go-round etc. Our child really enjoyed it. It might all go horribly wrong this year though who knows. I left it late to book this year and our slot is 7:45 at night but we'll give it a go.

If your child doesn't like busy perhaps a light trail walk with the family would be nice?

I think you should get in early next year and try to plan what would suit you with your family.

They might want to do panto as well of course no problem.

@TookTheBook it seems to be a regular pattern with this poster

I know it is hard for you put you are expecting everyone to fit round your child but you won't fit round another child, that's double standards. It is really difficult but as you say your DD will just have started at a new school so maybe a low stress weekend would be best for her.

@BreatheSEN
Last year's event accommodated your child's preferred time. This year's event is accommodating a different grandchild' s timeline needs.

How is this unfair? Why don't you and your husband host an early afternoon luncheon for all of the cousins? This would give her an opportunity for peer interaction with her cousins, and if you hosted it at home, your daughter would be in a familiar environment.

Don't put your parents in an awkward position simply because they wish to do a good thing.

🤣

A few people on this thread have shown themselves up spectacularly in a lot of ways. Not impressive.

OP, I’m glad you’ve made the decision that is going to work best for your daughter but I’m so sorry that it has to be that she can’t be included. That is really rough. Even if she doesn’t know about it, you still do. I have no direct experience but a good friend has a child with SEN and a lot of their family events are arranged in ways that exclude them - whereas we won’t arrange a birthday party for our child unless we have checked that they can be properly included and it will work for them. If actual family, let alone friends, won’t do that, it’s super shitty.

I really hope that the school transition goes well and you have a lovely day doing your own thing.

It sounds as though low stress would definitely be the best option at this point. But I think OP’s point was that the child it WAS arranged around is a baby ie, really not even going to get much out of either the Panto or lunch. That makes it seem tough that that child’s needs were prioritised. Family should be the place where opportunities for SEN children are optimised. The baby won’t even remember , yet it would have meant a lot to OP…

I’m guessing last year’s meal wasn’t a roaring success so although you feel dd would be better this year, your mum is less convinced so has organised around the other dc. Could you have a post panto buffet tea with cake that dd could do with her cousins as a compromise?

Last year was entirely incidental. It was a happy accident that it worked for us time wise.

The pantomime will be at 1.30 so there is barely time enough after sitting down, ordering and eating the food before they will need to move on to the theatre - let alone a luncheon! How long are panto performances - a couple hours maybe?

So that takes them to around 3.30, in December so it'll be dark shortly after and it takes an hour or so for everybody to get home.

They are not going to want to hang around later after to do something with us.

I should clarify - my parents are divorced. I appreciate that my mum wants to do something nice for the grandchildren but her plans continue to exclude my child when a reasonable accommodation could be made to include her.

YANBU. I think they’ve behaved very badly. Sounds like DM has prioritised the shiny new 1yo grandchild over older 5yo DGD.

You were right to bow out. Hopefully it’ll make them more accommodating of dd’s special needs in future.

If this behaviour continues I’d keep a mental note when they expect to be prioritised in your lives.

Do something nice with your daughter she shouldn’t have to sit through a meal she can just about cope with: hopefully she will get into a better routine when starts school x

Clearly most of these posters have no idea how it is to deal with a child with SEN and having to self exclude from nearly every activity.

A small adjustment from FAMILY would mean OP’s disabled child could attend. Least they could do.

Id also feel very hurt if I was you OP.

@BreatheSEN
Maybe the solution is for your mother to stop doing this event if it is going to cause disagreement among her adult children. Obviously, she can't please everyone. It is clearly a situation of no good deed going unpunished.

I find it bizarre that so many people think this is a 'good deed' and 'punishing Grandma' tbh. Arranging an event where one grandchild can't attend - because she is DISABLED and not because she will 'miss a nap' as a baby ffs - is not a good deed, it's horrible discrimination within your own family. I have no SEN kids or family members and it's still not difficult to work that out.

Oh no, I don't want her to stop doing the pantos and what not. I don't think it would be fair for the others to miss out because my child can't take part in some things.

I just want her to acknowledge DD is different and that being able to take part in what she can take part in, might require some inconvenience on their part from time to time.

Think this thread explains why have a learning disabled non-verbal child is so difficult. The ones that don't get it get lost along the way OP which does make life better. It does get easier because you end up surrounded by people who get it. Hopefully your mum will wise up and your family will get better at accommodating your dd's needs as she grows.

I agree with this, too.

I am also wondering how she is going to manage school if she can't be up and out by 11.

In truth though, if she is starting school after a long time out of education, that week, then I would have thought the less other excitement, the better that week.