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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU 5 year old SEN child - Xmas Dinner?

267 replies

BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:31

Name changed for this as would be quite outing

Since last year, DM has been arranging a family Christmas get together with all the grandchildren. Last year, she took the children to a pantomime before going for an evening meal. I should stipulate all parents and partners also attended these events.

DD is 5, ASD + chromosomal disorder. Non speaking, still in nappies.You get the picture.

Because of this, we couldn't attend the panto and will not be going again this year but we were hoping to join in for the sit down meal which DD can just about cope with and has been getting better at. It worked for us well last year, with the dinner being later on in the day.

But this year, the meal has been planned for mid morning and this would be enough to prevent us from going as she is frequently up and down during the nights and she would be absolutely shattered if not being challenging for the time the meal has been booked for. When DM originally started planning this meal back in September, I did mention that 11am would be a struggle for us but if it was moved to after the pantomime, we'd be more than happy to attend.

To cut a long story short, the meal has been booked for that time. Its extra problematic for us this year as she has just received a specialist school placement and is due to start that very week, which means her routine including sleep, is likely to be completely out of whack.

I've asked why the time cannot be changed and its because the family don't want to disrupt the 1 year old cousin's bedtime routine. I hold no ill will against DB and SIL and child, but I feel that it is unfair for my DD to not be able to attend any of it all this year for the sake of a baby who, respectfully, isn't going to remember any of it.

To add further, DD has been out of school for some time prior to starting this new school and so would really benefit from spending time around her cousins

AIBU to think that moving the time back to after the show would be far less disruptive to the 1 year old than my DD?

OP posts:
idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:32

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 17:56

As I say, the DD is 5, as it says in the title and OP! Who on earth would take advice from someone so unable to gauge the situation?

Show quote history

😂!

11 as in the time not the age

formulaonecar · 19/11/2023 18:32

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:30

How were your children two days after starting school?

Show quote history

They found it a big transition of course. But getting into a similar routine prior to it really helped ease that

idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:32

just read your other posts @Whiteday

You sound… interesting 😂

caringcarer · 19/11/2023 18:33

idealgift · 19/11/2023 16:56

how about you go to the panto

and then after the panto… you, DD and remaining family members go for a coffee and cake?

This could work.

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:33

@Gophergoesham so they would survive? Maybe don't use these boards as a parenting tool and tell your children to consider others?

Just a thought, have your own mind?

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:33

idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:32

just read your other posts @Whiteday

You sound… interesting 😂

Just read yours....... Jesus!!!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 19/11/2023 18:35

BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 17:42

Thank you all for responses.

We have decided to bow out - perhaps I've not been clear enough about child's needs and presentation, but they are quite substantial which is why I believe she's not yet ready for something such as pantomime. And why I believe the timing is an issue for what already is going to be a potentially challenging week for her.

I'm upset because I feel her being around her cousins, being used to be around other children will really help her as she begins school. Selfishly, I would have quite liked to have gone as I had to give up work last year to care for her and opportunities to socialise have been quite thin on the ground - however, there will be other family events including those on DH's side.

I have said my piece to DM so she knows how I feel - they are sticking with the 11am arrangement.

Tbh, I don't think there will be time nor inclination for family to stay around longer especially if it means spending more money too. My family are more like the get in and get out, mindset.

Glad you have made up your mind. YOUR wee one takes precedence, absolutely.
End of
but look forward to future connections with her family in the future not only for her but for them!

Mangolover123 · 19/11/2023 18:37

I think there needs to be a balance. I know it is hard but sometimes things are not suitable for all children. You were not going to the pantomine anyway. Can you not just go for dessert at 12 and meet them briefly if you want to get out and get your DD to meet her cousins.
Then try and arrange something more inclusive at a later date with everyone.

Original poster
BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 18:37

housethatbuiltme · 19/11/2023 18:19

I don't understand.

Your reason 11am is not suitable is DD doesn't sleep well so would be 'tired' but she is about to attend school where she HAS to be up for that time regardless of if she likes it or not. Millions of kids don't sleep well its not remotely unique.

If she starts school that week and is of legal attendance age you can't just take her out of school for a family meal so unless its after 3.30 you can't go anyway surely.

You don't seem to be taking the importance of school very seriously, this isn't a club you can just show up when you want to or drop out of if your tired.

And in case like above poster you want to claim 'ignorance' to my post I have LD myself and 2 SEN kids, no ignorance here just reality.

Edited

For clarification, she'll be starting school on a Thursday. The meal will be on the Saturday.

I don't know why its a start day of Thursday - I have requested clarification of this with the school.

Regardless, it will be an unsettling week for her .

I absolutely do take her education seriously - a SEND school didn't exactly fall into our lap! She's been out of school for a year and I've had to beg for any sort of provision in that time. I had to make a referral for SALT back in June as the LA never bothered and she still hasn't been seen!

OP posts:
idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:38

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:33

Just read yours....... Jesus!!!

Show quote history

😃

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 19/11/2023 18:38

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 19/11/2023 16:47

But it's not fine is it!

They have ignored the needs of a disabled child for a baby who as the OP says won't remember it.
They didn't need to work around a baby last Christmas but yet still the OPs DD was excluded.

I'd be feeling quite hurt if I was the OP.

Completely agree with this.

I'm not surprised you are hurt.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:39

OP

on the morning if she’s up and you think worth a try - will you try to join? She may surprise you as she did last year. And i’m sure family would be so happy if at last minute

Gophergoesham · 19/11/2023 18:39

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:33

@Gophergoesham so they would survive? Maybe don't use these boards as a parenting tool and tell your children to consider others?

Just a thought, have your own mind?

Not sure what you have against me but I don’t use these boards as a parenting tool, if anything I use them on how not to parent.

no worries, i shall tell my 5 year old to be hungry because they need to consider others. Even though us going for lunch without others has no bearing on anyone else. Not sure what is so radical
about eating when it suits us (much like the OP) but you knock yourself out thinking that.

NaturalStudy · 19/11/2023 18:39

YANBU. One day's disruption to a 1 year old's nap schedule does not compare to disrupting a disabled child's schedule. I'm sorry your family arent putting your DD first.

Calliopespa · 19/11/2023 18:42

I’ve not got a SEN child but can see it is an enormously hurtful situation.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:42

@Gophergoesham ignore @Whiteday

She is all over mumsnet with lots of !!! and disagreeing. Often ignored. So probably best to do same here

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:43

idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:42

@Gophergoesham ignore @Whiteday

She is all over mumsnet with lots of !!! and disagreeing. Often ignored. So probably best to do same here

Unlike your posting history...... good grief!

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 19/11/2023 18:45

BerriesNutsConkers · 19/11/2023 18:15

Parenting a child with special needs is hard, most parents who haven't experienced it don't have a clue how much they could help by being a little more understanding and flexible.

100% this.

idealgift · 19/11/2023 18:50

we always return to school on a Wednesday or Thursday. i suppose the logic is… ease them in, and then hit ground running on Monday

Whiteday · 19/11/2023 18:50

Calliopespa · 19/11/2023 18:42

I’ve not got a SEN child but can see it is an enormously hurtful situation.

Totally agree, very unkind.

minipie · 19/11/2023 18:50

Wow. I have to say I’m surprised your DM is arranging a panto outing for “all the grandchildren” when it’s something that one of the grandchildren can’t participate in. Couldn’t she have come up with a different activity that all DC can manage (unless perhaps there literally isn’t anything…)

And then to not even keep the mealtime the same as last year which DD was able to manage, would have said that is the least she could do. Got to say it does sound like she doesn’t care that much about including her, and you 😔

I would be fuming.

Is it possible she doesn’t understand why 4pm is ok but 11am isn’t? I assume it’s because you can fit in a nap before a 4pm meal, but have you said this to her? Most people (who haven’t had unusually exhausted kids) would assume 11am was better for tiredness than 4pm.

Loopylambs · 19/11/2023 18:50

I’m confused OP, all the children age 7 and 5 will be having a day off school to attend the meal and panto? All the parents are having a day off work? A 1 year old at a panto could be a challenge . Would it be easier at a weekend when no school routine to worry about?
i understand the family are not trying to be inclusive of your DDs needs , maybe a play date dinner with cousins over Christmas could be arranged ?

minipie · 19/11/2023 18:51

It’s on a Saturday Loopy

Soontobe60 · 19/11/2023 18:52

BreatheSEN · 19/11/2023 16:48

She is 5.

And we could do something separately, but the whole point was to have her attend the family events she can actually manage, rather than be separated out from her peers.

As for managing school, she'll be fine when she settles into the new routine - the problem is she starts the same week - only two days before this meal - which is why moving the time to later would be really helpful.

She would be equally out of sorts if she goes after school though, especially as her whole routine will be completely out of kilter anyway. I would not advise her missing school - they will have put things in place for her transition.

Twilight7777 · 19/11/2023 18:53

Definitely not being unreasonable to expect family to change things to suit a 5 year old with SEN over a 1 year old who won’t remember anything. I’m sorry you’ve decided to bow out, I think you’ve made the right choice, shame your family don’t understand.

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