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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to come home with me

161 replies

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:16

I am pregnant and having morning sickness. We went out with our group of friends last night for dinner. He was drinking and smoking (I didn't complain I am happy for him to enjoy himself). It came to the time we needed to leave for the babysitter but he didn't want to come home with me. Normally I wouldn't mind but I feel like he could at least offer some moral support with me being pregnant. It's not like he has to give anything up at all. For context, he doesn't go out much and I trust him but I know he would have gotten really drunk and been hungover all day today too. Should I have been ok with him staying out?

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 19/11/2023 08:53

I would be annoyed he gets to stay out and enjoy himself and I don't. But I wouldn't grudge him staying or being hungover as he doesn't go out much. I would expect him to do whatever chores he usually does tomorrow even with a hangover though.

Sayitaintso33 · 19/11/2023 08:53

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 08:25

No, not "help me tomorrow with DC" but "parent"

Drives me bonkers when a father looking after his children is "helping" as though it's inherently the mother's responsibility (assuming you're both working M-F and this is weekend for both of you)

If it is the woman who begged to have children, she should do most of the parenting. If having children was effectively her hobby, she needs to step up.

If it the man who begged to have children, she should do most of the parenting.

There are many arrangements, agreements and boundaries about relationships and child-care. You should expand your horizons.

HoratiaTipperlong · 19/11/2023 08:54

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:43

@Janeandme are you a cool girl? I think you are Grin

The classic lazy response to someone who doesn't agree with you about a man's behaviour.

That said, I think your husband's behaviour was ungentlemanly.

PortalooSunset · 19/11/2023 08:54

If you were towards the end of your pregnancy and likely to give birth at any time, then I think him coming home when you're ready is reasonable. But early on I'd have been happy for my dh to stay out.
Happens now tbh, I'll be wanting to go home earlier than him. Usually what he does is see me home then go back to the party/pub/gathering. Sometimes he plans to do that then gets home and just cba to go back.

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:55

ZenNudist · 19/11/2023 08:46

Was the cab ride home expensive. We aren't hard up but would go home together from further away because it's wasteful to get 2 cabs. If he could cab it with friends then that's better.

I get why you wanted him to come home with you but it kind if depends on time you left and type of night. Its OK for him to have the odd big night out.

Of my group it's normal for couples to stick together but if it's very local we split up.
You bring pregnant I'd have driven but maybe you are London?

Yes that's another thing. Would have been another thirty quid taxi on top instead of coming home with me. And then god knows how much spent on drinks as well.

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 19/11/2023 08:55

Wtf are you on about @Sayitaintso33 ??

If it is the woman who begged to have children, she should do most of the parenting. If having children was effectively her hobby, she needs to step up.

If it the man who begged to have children, she should do most of the parenting.

There are many arrangements, agreements and boundaries about relationships and child-care. You should expand your horizons.

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:58

Thank you for your responses I do appreciate the perspective.
As usual of course there are the usual twats keyboard warriors making snarky responses (to be expected on AIBU) but aside from that I will take balanced advice on board.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 08:58

Sayitaintso33 · 19/11/2023 08:53

If it is the woman who begged to have children, she should do most of the parenting. If having children was effectively her hobby, she needs to step up.

If it the man who begged to have children, she should do most of the parenting.

There are many arrangements, agreements and boundaries about relationships and child-care. You should expand your horizons.

Show quote history

Yeah. They sound like healthy relationships to learn from.

SgtJuneAckland · 19/11/2023 09:01

I think it depends on the time and what you'd discussed before hand. We went on holiday when I was about 6 months pregnant, DH barely drank, the odd beer with a meal. I repeatedly said I didn't mind and he could drink what he liked and one evening after a long day I was tired and wanted to go to bed around 9/9:30 I was more than happy for him to go to a bar etc, but he said he'd come on holiday with me and was more than happy to do what I wanted given the sacrifices I was making related to the pregnancy.
On other occasions we've gone out as a couple and before hand have agreed, whose turn it is to relieve the baby sitter, mostly wet go home together but for example we went out for my friend's birthday, he went home for the baby sitter by eleven and encouraged me to stay on. Last year we went out for his Christmas work do and I came home for the baby sitter and he stayed on. It's just about communication surely

widowtwankywashroom · 19/11/2023 09:02

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:58

Thank you for your responses I do appreciate the perspective.
As usual of course there are the usual twats keyboard warriors making snarky responses (to be expected on AIBU) but aside from that I will take balanced advice on board.

Why are people who disagree with you twats?

This is a discussion forum.
People are allowed to disagree with you.
You're being dramatic.
Given up your whole body for pregnancy.
Get a grip.

Torganer · 19/11/2023 09:03

But if you don’t go out much, why do both of you have to cut the night short? Unless it’s always you who is going back to the babysitter, it seems a bit unfair.

When I was pregnant, I’d just go home if I’d had enough or one of us needed to go back for some reason. At my good friends wedding, my husband took our child back and I stayed out. As long as it’s generally equal, I wouldn’t have a problem.

But equally I’ve never felt I was sacrificing my body to have a baby. I wanted a baby and was happy to be pregnant. I also got much more paid maternity leave than my husband afterwards (we did shared leave, but I had slightly longer as more of mine was paid).

Birdbaby · 19/11/2023 09:03

I thjnk you sre over reacting BUT i think this is completely normal in pregnancy and in the
grand scheme of life sometimes plans change, dh was having a really good time, if you love him then you should be pleased - in normal land . But in pregnancy land, feeling the way way you did is totally normal.
I would just try and.let if go, one day if you at your original post you mau have the same view, especially if hes a greatbdad and dh in every other way !
So yes yabu however i think its reasonable to be u reasonablein this case xxx enjou the rest of your pregnancy xx

Canisaysomething · 19/11/2023 09:04

I don’t know what he should have done, but my DH would 100% have come home with me in that situation. But it’s usually me who wants to stay out and DH who wants to get home to bed.

crumblingschools · 19/11/2023 09:05

Why are so many posters happy for the DH to stay out and OP be the default parent to relieve the babysitter?

susiedaisy1912 · 19/11/2023 09:07

You went out as a couple why not go home as a couple? What time did you want to leave? was the evening still in full swing but youve had enough or was the evening drawing to a close anyway but he wanted to keep going? Were you driving? If so did he walk you to your car or did he just leave you to wander through a city at night on your own? Context is everything in my opinion.

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 09:09

@widowtwankywashroom nope not what I said. Try and re-read again. I said I am happy for the balanced views. Thank you for your example of a snarky comment though. Grin you must be one of those t... I mean keyboard warriors

OP posts:
susiedaisy1912 · 19/11/2023 09:10

Sorry just saw your most recent posts. So Yanbu.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/11/2023 09:10

I assume you don't go out often with your husband nowadays, so this is a date. What kind of date ends with you going home on your own and him carrying on drinking?

Ellie1015 · 19/11/2023 09:11

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:43

@Janeandme are you a cool girl? I think you are Grin

Really rude. She offered another perspective which is presumably what you posted for yo find out if yabu. If you just want people to agree with you phone a friend and vent.

Niallig32839 · 19/11/2023 09:12

I’d expect my husband to have come home with me when I was pregnant or otherwise. It wouldn’t be a conversation to be fair, if either of us was ready to leave somewhere then we would both go and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 19/11/2023 09:13

Why are so many posters happy for the DH to stay out and OP be the default parent to relieve the babysitter?

Because she couldn't stay out drinking.

Be realistic.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 19/11/2023 09:15

You won’t out as a couple you should go home as a couple .

crumblingschools · 19/11/2023 09:15

@SweetFemaleAttitude so again we expect her to be the default parent as DH will be too drunk to parent

Doggymummar · 19/11/2023 09:16

From the tense of your posts, it sounds like he came home anyway, so whats the beef?

WhichIsItWendy · 19/11/2023 09:17

I wouldn't like it. Not because I'm pregnant but because I like people to stick to their word. If he had planned to stay out I wouldn't mind. But planning to go home together at 11 for example, I wouldn't like him to start backing out at 10.30.

That's just me though.

Sounds like it may be worth agreeing in advance what the plan is. And if he wants to stay out late and have a lie in the next day, that's fine. As long as he agrees to give you a lie in the following day/weekend.