Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect husband to come home with me

161 replies

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:16

I am pregnant and having morning sickness. We went out with our group of friends last night for dinner. He was drinking and smoking (I didn't complain I am happy for him to enjoy himself). It came to the time we needed to leave for the babysitter but he didn't want to come home with me. Normally I wouldn't mind but I feel like he could at least offer some moral support with me being pregnant. It's not like he has to give anything up at all. For context, he doesn't go out much and I trust him but I know he would have gotten really drunk and been hungover all day today too. Should I have been ok with him staying out?

OP posts:
Birdbaby · 19/11/2023 08:30

I remember feeling like this even when not pregnant but the chikdren were small. Like i was missing out. Honestly i think its normal. But if you know that dh would do the same for you then i think its ok.xx

margotrose · 19/11/2023 08:31

In my experience, MN is a bit odd about pregnancy and doesn't think any woman should have any kind of special treatment because it's "not an illness or a disability". It's not reflective of the attitudes I see in real life.

As you say it's not about being looked after, it's about him supporting you as a couple and coming home a reasonable hour so he can be present in the morning while you suffer with morning sickness.

Torganer · 19/11/2023 08:32

You only have to give up drinking for 9m. After the baby is born you can stay out and he can relieve the babysitter.

Do you not like travelling alone at all? What do you do when you go out with your friends without him?

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:32

ACynicalDad · 19/11/2023 08:28

I’d think it was really rude to send my wife to free the baby sitter and stay out unless there were really good reasons, like a really old friend visiting from overseas, go home together.
From early on my wife decided if I went out and got pissed and she was left with childcare it was my job in the morning. Guess who doesn’t drink much… in fact I drink much less than her now and probably only had ac handful of drinks in her pregnancy.

Thank you I appreciate a male perspective. I think that's the thing, it's just kind of rude to not go home together. Maybe I haven't worded things well.

OP posts:
Muchof · 19/11/2023 08:35

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:25

Yes that's right I'm not dying. But it's more for moral support and keeping me company if that makes sense rather than being "looked after". Especially as I can't drink I hate having to go home alone it would be nice for him to want to stay with me. He doesn't have to give anything up.

Show quote history

What do you mean by moral support? You were just going home. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:35

Torganer · 19/11/2023 08:32

You only have to give up drinking for 9m. After the baby is born you can stay out and he can relieve the babysitter.

Do you not like travelling alone at all? What do you do when you go out with your friends without him?

Last time I quit for two years because I was breastfeeding. And even if I wasn't I'm not keen on heavy drinking anyway. I go out on my own just fine and normally I don't mind him staying out either. Tbh I just think it's a nice thing to do to go home together as a couple and it would have been kind of him to care.

OP posts:
margotrose · 19/11/2023 08:36

What do you do when you go out with your friends without him?

That's not relevant here though. They had to go home to relieve the babysitter - why should it just be OP who cuts her night short?

Wittyname10 · 19/11/2023 08:37

What time did you go home at?

NorthernGirlie · 19/11/2023 08:37

I think if you go out together you can expect to go home together

Our shared friendship group always go out out on Good Friday. I was pregnant one year and still went along. Lots of bar hopping, them drinking (not an issue - that's the 1 a year bar hop and we all love it)

I started flagging at about 9.30pm (after a 4pm start) and said I wanted to go. DH assumed I'd go home alone, I'd have been ok with it but would have preffered not to (tube ride home) but the blokes in the group were horrified! They gave dh a reality check and sent us packing

We laugh about it now and I still jokingly call it "the night you were prepared to abandon me"

He agrees it was an immature and tipsy response. He was enjoying himself and wanted to stay out but showing solidarity with a pregnant partner isn't sainthood territory - it's just nice!

Janeandme · 19/11/2023 08:38

I’m not with you op. On one side you say you don’t like going home alone, do you not go out with friends? Is it an anxiety thing, most adults can go home alone without moral support or needing to be accompanied.

on the other you say you felt resentful and had a fomo, that’s shitty, if you wanted to cut your husbands night short for that.

Janeandme · 19/11/2023 08:39

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:35

Last time I quit for two years because I was breastfeeding. And even if I wasn't I'm not keen on heavy drinking anyway. I go out on my own just fine and normally I don't mind him staying out either. Tbh I just think it's a nice thing to do to go home together as a couple and it would have been kind of him to care.

Show quote history

is there no expectation you should care, about him? That he doesn’t go out often and wanted to stay and have fun? Or is care only expected to uou?

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:40

@Muchof moral support means "support or help whose effect is psychological rather than physical". I have given up my whole body for the pregnancy, I hoped that he would offer some moral support by not getting absolutely shit faced drunk. I think that's pretty obvious that I don't need moral support to go home alone.

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 19/11/2023 08:41

If he's smoking you have bigger problems then not going home together.

Janeandme · 19/11/2023 08:41

Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:40

@Muchof moral support means "support or help whose effect is psychological rather than physical". I have given up my whole body for the pregnancy, I hoped that he would offer some moral support by not getting absolutely shit faced drunk. I think that's pretty obvious that I don't need moral support to go home alone.

What? Moral pscholigal support as you’ve given up your whole body to be pregnant? Do you not wish to be pregnant? Are you doing it solely for him?

judgedreadful · 19/11/2023 08:41

You're overreacting OP. You said he doesn't go out very often.

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:42

NorthernGirlie · 19/11/2023 08:37

I think if you go out together you can expect to go home together

Our shared friendship group always go out out on Good Friday. I was pregnant one year and still went along. Lots of bar hopping, them drinking (not an issue - that's the 1 a year bar hop and we all love it)

I started flagging at about 9.30pm (after a 4pm start) and said I wanted to go. DH assumed I'd go home alone, I'd have been ok with it but would have preffered not to (tube ride home) but the blokes in the group were horrified! They gave dh a reality check and sent us packing

We laugh about it now and I still jokingly call it "the night you were prepared to abandon me"

He agrees it was an immature and tipsy response. He was enjoying himself and wanted to stay out but showing solidarity with a pregnant partner isn't sainthood territory - it's just nice!

Edited

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I think it's just about general courtesy.

OP posts:
BigMadAndy · 19/11/2023 08:42

As a one off it's fine.

Original poster
Pickledprawn · 19/11/2023 08:43

@Janeandme are you a cool girl? I think you are Grin

OP posts:
Lex345 · 19/11/2023 08:44

I think if we had gone out as a couple and arranged for child care until a certain time, that's the time I would expect us both to go back for, regardless of pregnancy.

That being said, if he rarely goes out, I probably wouldn't have bothered if he wanted to stay out.

margotrose · 19/11/2023 08:45

judgedreadful · 19/11/2023 08:41

You're overreacting OP. You said he doesn't go out very often.

Presumably OP doesn't either, so why should she have to go home early to relieve the babysitter while he stays out? Just because she's pregnant?

ZenNudist · 19/11/2023 08:46

Was the cab ride home expensive. We aren't hard up but would go home together from further away because it's wasteful to get 2 cabs. If he could cab it with friends then that's better.

I get why you wanted him to come home with you but it kind if depends on time you left and type of night. Its OK for him to have the odd big night out.

Of my group it's normal for couples to stick together but if it's very local we split up.
You bring pregnant I'd have driven but maybe you are London?

NashvilleQueen · 19/11/2023 08:47

You've asked for views and the majority don't think he was unreasonable in staying out for longer. That doesn't need to change how you feel personally about it but it might help with perspective.

Chunkychips23 · 19/11/2023 08:47

I had a very rough 1st trimester and my husband carried on going out as normal. He’d make sure I had what I needed and was comfortable, but continued his life as normal. Yes, it did make me feel irrationally annoyed as I was the one sacrificing whilst he cracked on. But to be fair, we don’t share any other kids, just a needy dog and I was in bed by 9pm for the first 18 weeks of pregnancy. It’s normal to feel that way, but if you’re not at risk and he’s a reliable parent to your other DC, then there’s no harm in him having a social life.

I’ve ended up having Placenta Previa which has caused recurrent antepartum haemorrhages in the 3rd trimester, so now he’s too scared to go on nights out and won’t leave me on my own. So I’m really glad he got to continue life as normal and socialise during the first two trimesters as I don’t feel guilty that he’s essentially my carer until my c-section.

NashvilleQueen · 19/11/2023 08:48

@ZenNudist I had assumed OP was driving as she wasn't drinking but maybe I have missed something.

Codlingmoths · 19/11/2023 08:53

If I’m going to be miserable with morning sickness then frankly I expect my husband not to be hungover as he will be jumping up and parenting in the morning on weekends and if he’s hungover he’d be doing it anyway while I stayed in bed. That’s the least you deserve if you have morning sickness because you both decided to have a baby together. I could handle the going home but I would not be getting out of bed for the kids the next morning and my husband would know that!