My next door neighbour shouts at his DD

[UndertheCedartree]

My NDNs have an 18 month old. The dad absolutely bellows at her and smacks her. This has been going on around a year. I also hear him playing with her and singing to her and making her laugh.

I find it really distressing. And I try not to judge but I can't understand what she could be doing that's so bad at such a young age and so frequently. I hear him shouting every day. As soon as it starts I'm on edge, listening and hoping he won't smack her. I don't know what I can do other than wear ear defenders all the time?

As I've said I never said I could hear him hitting her.

OP you literally say smacks her in your post

OMG, you'll wear ear defenders to protect your ears but you won't report a parent for assaulting a toddler?! What kind of moral compass is that?
Report this now - to social services, or the child's nursery, or both.

Report to police and social services! The mind boggles why you have been sitting on this for more than a year and want to get ear defenders as opposed to doing anything?! 🙄

Yes it is. There is a defence of reasonable chastisement, but good luck arguing that physical assault is a reasonable way of chastising a baby.

@UndertheCedartree all you’ve done in your posts is talk about yourself and how it impacts you to the point of wearing ear defenders.

I stand by what I said over the toys, giving toys to her isn’t going to ease your guilt over the fact you’ve only reported this 4-5 times or whatever you said when this has been going on for a very long time.

you’ve backtracked constantly through your posts because you don’t want people to think bad of you really because you know you’ve just sat back on the sidelines and haven’t done enough but as long as you give her toys because dad shouts.

You should be reporting and recording something every time it happens instead of standing in your home thinking about how much it triggers you and trying to drown out the noise.

Speak to woman’s aid and other organisations to get advice and keep contacting social services.

In all honestly in some of your posts you’ve come across as self centred and you’ve definitely backtracked on a few of the posts a 100% because you don’t want people to quite rightly question you on your actions.

This guy is an absolute monster.

Hi Op, are you their only neighbor?
If not, would you consider talking about this with the other neighbors? Maybe someone will come up with a plan of action.

Yes, based on me hearing him threaten to smack her. I didn't say I could hear him smack her.

Read the thread! I am reporting it. Of course I'm reporting it. But that wasn't what this thread is about. I also have my own mental health to deal with and my own DC to look after. And I was just looking for a little support with that. The 2 aren't mutually exclusive!

Where did I say I've been 'sitting on this for more than a year' and I've not done anything?

I've spoken about myself because that was the point of the thread. It's people like yourself that just like to completely derail the thread.

I've reported it roughly every 8 weeks when I've thought it warrants it. As I've said this is sporadic shouting not continuous. So I may one day hear 'hey' shouted at her only one time. I first reported beginning of March.

Where did I say giving her toys is to 'ease my guilt'? I give her toys because it's a nice thing to do. I stand by the fact that she is not less deserving of these toys because her dad shouts at her.

I am recording (as I made clear when I said I look at my notes) and reporting. Children's services haven't said I haven't been doing enough.

I also have my own mental health to deal with. If this pushes me over the edge into a mental break down then not only do my children suffer but I won't be there to record and report.

I appreciate I may have come across self-centred but that was because the point of the thread was my mental health and being autistic I tend to focus very much on the point and not necessarily see the bigger picture.

If I've back tracked, I've not meant to, it's more that I've clarified things. I take a lot of medicine for my mental health so have a terrible memory and my brain is a bit foggy especially when anxious so I genuinely get confused about things. But no, I don't particularly want to be questioned on my actions because that isn't the point of my thread.

And yes, clearly he's a monster.

No, I'm not the only neighbour there is one on the other side. Yes, possibly.

@UndertheCedartree I stand by what I said and tbh your thread is horrendous when clearly it should be about the abuse of a little girl a baby.

Im sickened by some of the things that have been written by you and no I’m not derailing the thread I’m calling you out on you behaving like a bystander.

Your first lot of posts were shocking and you said this has been going on for a year, what more do you need to ‘warrant’ reporting?

but you know keep making excuses to try and minimise what’s gone on, it’s come across that there’s worse going on with this neighbour that your not fully disclosing because you know people will think bad of you really.

I just caught the mum leaving the house. The little girl is 21 months. I first reported in March but I heard it a couple of times before that - it didn't use to be every day I heard it. So it's been going for about 10 months. I don't understand what you have to shout at a 21 month old, let alone an 11 month old.

Why should it be about that? You don't get to choose what I ask for help with. You may not agree but my recording and reporting hardly makes me a bystander.

I have to safe guard my own children too. They are also important which you seem to forget.

And what are you talking about? Yes, it's been going on a long time and I've been reporting throughout! And I've not once minimised. And honestly, I don't actually care what you or anyone else thinks of me or or the situation. Simply because I know what I'm doing is right and I know what the situation is. You of course, don't.

So please stop trying to attack me. I suspect if you had cPTSD and were getting anxiety attacks and flashbacks due to a neighbour making it difficult to look after your DC(and worried about it causing a breakdown.) you might also be concerned about managing the situation for your DC's sake. Or at least I hope you would. Caring about my DC and my own mental health is not selfish!

Sorry, it does very clearly come across as though this is all about you and your cPTSD and whatnot. You are clearly triggered by him. You are also making serious allegations so in my opinion it's not good enough to say 'I have mental health issues, I get mixed up'. You're accusing someone of abusing their child so you need to work on the facts, not what triggers you, and not what you think might be happening, but the things you are actually witnessing- the words, the times, the dates. Then you have something clear to go on when you are reporting.

As I've said, that is because the thread is about me and my DC.

I have considered exactly what I've heard and written it on this thread countless times. Then I get accused of back tracking! As mentioned I have written notes so when I speak to Children's services I use those. However, as this thread wasn't about reporting the abuse I just wrote a thread in a middle of an anxiety attack. I wasn't as specific about things as I would be when speaking to children's services because again, that wasn't the point of the thread. Me saying I get mixed up due to meds is fine to say on MN, which is where I said it.

OP has said several times that she's reported it more than once, so I'm not sure why you think she's making excuses.
OP was asking how she can deal with the fact she finds it triggering, she's already done what she can to help the little girl. Now she needs some support for herself, which is allowed.

This is unfair and unrealistic IMO.

The OP is not in any way to blame for what is happening next door. They have reported multiple times to appropriate agencies.

People with MH issues do get mixed up. I think you should try to understand cPTSD before making ill-informed remarks.

Living next door to something that brings back childhood trauma will be difficult to manage. The OP is not to blame for their neighbour's actions.

I completely disagree with this post @Jejrididndjdiiencndkso

You are attacking the victim of childhood abuse.

The op has reported multiple times.

It isn't blanket illegal in England, sadly.

Thank you for that, but I suffer from cPTSD myself, and this is why I think it is important OP maintains a difference between her own triggers and the actual facts of the case. Sticking to the facts is important so as not to conflate one's own trauma with the current situation.

You sound very judgemental of others who may be less perfect cPTSD sufferers.

To use your own language, it's not good enough to use the claim you suffer from the same condition as justification for your post.

So this has gone from the dad regualrly shouting at and smacking the child, to lots of happy playing and laughing, some shouting and 1 threat of a smack!
That explains why ss have not taken any action! It is plumb normal

I mentioned the 'happy playing' in my OP, tbf.

I agree I made out she was smacked regularly when I actually don't have evidence of that. But I do hear him shout everyday, although it was less often in the past.

I honestly don't think it's normal atall.