My next door neighbour shouts at his DD

[UndertheCedartree]

My NDNs have an 18 month old. The dad absolutely bellows at her and smacks her. This has been going on around a year. I also hear him playing with her and singing to her and making her laugh.

I find it really distressing. And I try not to judge but I can't understand what she could be doing that's so bad at such a young age and so frequently. I hear him shouting every day. As soon as it starts I'm on edge, listening and hoping he won't smack her. I don't know what I can do other than wear ear defenders all the time?

As I've explained I don't actually know he is hitting her. Sorry I know I didn't make that clear. And she may be a bit older I'm not sure exactly when her birthday is.

When I hear him shouting it gives me flashbacks and anxiety attacks which makes it hard to look after my own children. But yes, they are in a better position than the baby.

I understand it sounds like I've changed my story. I think in my head he is shouting and smacking because that's what happened to me and I have flashbacks. But this thread made me really think about it. I have heard him threaten to smack her. So I suppose I don't actually know. I thought before he might have done from her crying but she could be crying because of him shouting at her.

When I visited a friend you could hear the parents shouting at the kids both when we were in her house and was we walked past and they had the windows on the latch. It was horrible heard the parents swearing and the kids crying.

I knocked on their door, I told them I could hear them shouting and swearing at their children and that's not ok so was everything ok, I explained that it was a close community who all look out for eachother, especially the kids, so wanted to check in.
I also explained for them not to worry, I will keep checking in if we hear it ongoing, in case they "need" anything.
I couldn't just walk on by, and I know it probably wasn't the right thing but I needed them to know we were watching and listening.

We obviously rang social services and the police as well.

OP I think all you can do is keep reporting and maybe keep a log of things.

I do too 😥 I just wanted to know how to deal with it mentally because there's only so much I can do...

Hard if you were treated this way.

Don't be afraid to phone the police.

I will remember that, thank you.

@UndertheCedartree I hear ya. I was that child too. I get it about the flashbacks.

Even though you say you unsure about actual hitting happening it's worth reporting it. They can investigate if physical abuse is going on. Better safe than sorry. It's a win-win solution really, if abuse is happening then the child can be helped, if a risk of abuse the parents can maybe be taught how to handle emotional dysregulation better and you and the child will be much happier.

It's important that you look after your mental health and make sure you getting the support you need.

I'm having trauma therapy and have in past had dialectical behavioural therapy to help with my childhood. It took a long time to find the right help but I also found phoning the NAPAC helpline was helpful in the meantime. The isurvive.org and MyPTSD forums too.

Phone the police every time.

The way it works is a multiagency safeguarding hub looks at it and allocates level of investigation. If the family say it's a problem neighbour making vexatious referrals then SS will have to accept that they can't get involved without proof. If the referral comes from the police who turned up heard the shouting before knocking on the door and see a distressed child SS will add that to you previous referrals and investigate more.

At 18 months unless the kids in childcare there is no one to make referrals other than neighbours.

I left my abusive ex when I started worrying for the safety of my kid. He shouted shut up etc at her as a baby. I had to fight him in court to keep my child tried to stop him having unsupervised contact and lost. When they came home from contact with marks on them the police wouldn't listen because I am recorded as making false allegations. Once I moved back to my house after he finally left my neighbour said so glad to see you are ok I was always worried. Except my kids were not safe and if just one person who heard how he acted in that house had made a referral they may have been.

Always always report. That mum may be scared to leave because he says he will take the kid. When she finally does that evidence will be crucial. Or it may be so won't leave and you gave the police evidence SS needed to act

I probly would too. Maybe leave a note?

Thank you for understanding. And yes, I'll do that.

Thank you for those resources. I did DBT in hospital and am meant to be having trauma therapy in the community but I've been waiting a long time.

Thanks for explaining that. It would be likely that when the police would turn up they wouldn't hear anything. It's sort of intermittent rather than a continuous rant if you see what I mean?

A note is a good idea.

Sorry, you think smacking a baby isn’t illegal??

Do you know the parents? I only ask because I'm not sure leaving a note is a good idea unless you know how the parents are going to react to it.
If dad is happy to shout and maybe hit an 18 month old is he going to react well to a note?
I actually don't know what the solution is short term for you. Keep reporting but unless you have someone you can stay with/someone who can stay with you for support then I'm not sure there is a solution, although I would wear the ear defenders if it helps reduce your stress.

Well, no it's not illegal to shout at or hit children in England. There's not a clear cut age that makes it illegal. Hitting any child is wrong no matter if they're 2 or 12.

Yes, I know them to say hello. They've always been very friendly. I give them all the toys and equipment my children grow out of. I was thinking of writing an anonymous note but it could be tricky.

Report why have you waited so long

I was able to get DBT on NHS outpatient because also had BPD diagnosis (back then they didn't do it for anything else), I had mixed feelings about being labelled Borderline but in a way it saved my bacon. Although it helped I still was struggling massively with the trauma issues and had to get into finding and paying for a therapist myself . It took a while but I'm finally making progress.

@UndertheCedartree can’t believe your being so friendly towards these people to even give them toys for their kids.

1. send a note and it would either lead to him being aggressive towards you or hiding the abuse of his daughter or both.
2. People that scream at a baby and threaten babies are not nice people not matter how friendly they appear to be.
3. You must watch or read the news where children are killed and it always starts off with verbal threats and aggression in the home, this child could become a statistic.
4. You obtain evidence and contact details ie email addresses of local services to report this to, even contacting the NSPCC.
5. Could you live with yourself if he hit this baby so hard he caused her a brain injury or a life long disability or worse he killed her.

Please stop flitting back and fourth questioning if it’s the right thing, what you heard or didn’t hear. You’ve heard enough this person is horrible and abusive. He started this when this baby was 6 months old. 6 months???? You’re a mother yourself you should know that’s not right.

Agree

I haven't.

I have that diagnosis too. I have tried to get private therapy but they say I need to stay in the NHS due to the multi disciplinary team. Frustrating!

Why wouldn't I pass toys onto the little girl? Does she not deserve them because her dad shouts at her??

And why do you think I don't know it's not right. I've not questioned if it's the right thing if you mean reporting it? Many posters have interrogated me and so I've answered those. Points 2-5 I'm already fully aware of. They were not the point of the OP hence why I didn't discuss them.