To complain about teacher's behaviour

[Ilovechocolate87]

Last night after tea, DD (6) said to younger DD (2) 'Don't you dare do that' (touch her food) in a menacing voice.It isn't something we would say, as I think it's a nasty way to speak to someone, so i asked her where she got it from, to which she replied that her teacher had shouted at a boy in her class (year 1) 'don't you dare interuppt me when I'm talking' and re-inacted it in a thunderous sort of voice.

If she was telling me the teacher was saying such things to her I would be in no doubt to complain, as its clearly threatening behaviour, but as it wasn't at her (and she confirms she has never shouted at her) I'm on the fence whether to say anything or not about it .I've re-iterated to DD not to speak to her little sister like that, explaining that even if the teacher did it, it is still wrong.She told me when I asked that it doesn't scare her when the teacher shouts (she has very sensitive hearing and is often scared if we shout at home) but i'm not really liking that she is seeing someone who should be a professional and a role model behaving in that way towards any child.

I'm saying the headteacher might need to have word with her about the language she uses.

How do you handle telling tales?

I wouldn't be happy with it. When I hear my kids parroting me like that I'm mortified and try to correct it immediately. I know it's hard to keep decorum with a large group of kids, but I wouldn't want mine subjected to that. That being said sometimes it takes a very stern voice! I can see both sides easily! Maybe wait and see if it continues. If it does I'd say something, not complaining but just raising the issue so she can work on it.

Not at all, someone calmly explaining that complaining might be abit much (which i dont think anyone has done!) fine!

Bashing me as a parent, being nasty with it.Yeah sorry, I'm not going to not defend myself!

I find it incredible that someone who posted asking for help with their own anger wants to report a teacher for saying…Don’t dare!
Honestly you need to get a serious grip.

It's a LOT much. You weren't there. You have no idea what actually happened or the context.

I would never complain about something like that....you didn't do anything wrong.

Isn't it called projection?

Okay, you try to control a classfull of 6-year olds for a school year, without ever raising your voice. We'll all come and laugh our socks off at your nervous breakdown on about week 3.

To be honest, language such as "don't you dare", and "how dare you" is very good to use with a small child because it underlines where the boundaries are. As social animals who purport to live by a moral compass, we need these ingrained lines in the sand.

From the reported description, there was no actual threat, no raised fist, nothing but the "outrage" we all have to pretend to feel when a child does something they shouldn't.

I would never complain about something like that....you didn't do anything wrong.

Neither has your child's teacher, and yet you still think you should complain.

The kids were 4 and 5 in the last two years. Now they are 6.

Do you know what age problems with behaviour start becoming more apparent? (I'll give you a clue, there's a spoiler in my post).

When disruptive behaviour from other kids starts affecting your child, I take it you will continue to say to the school 'oooo don't tell little Johnny off as its upsetting Princess Peach and to my horror she's copying it and doing it at home'. You'll have more to worry about if she starts copying litte Johnny's behaviour cos the teacher hasn't told him off...

The basic problem is you don't like this teacher and you've got it in for this teacher. The Head will see you coming a mile off. Loads of other parents know who THAT parent is in their class. You can hear the eyerolling on this thread, it just oozes off so many posters. Unless you are totally tone deaf and only listen to the lone fellow batshitters.

If you want to talk about safeguarding, just be aware of the dangers of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Also if you DO have an actual safeguarding issue, the best way to deal with it is to be ultra reasonable and ultra good to the staff as they are more likely to be accomodating rather than if you go in all guns blazing and attacking them directly. It gives less room for the school to wriggle out of it and force them to deal with it properly rather than treat you as the abusive to staff / nutty parent.

You seriously need a big dose of perspective and grip collecting to do.

Where's the threat in "don't you dare"?
Or at least a threat that is any different to counting to 5, giving a warning, mentioning consequences etc.

I'm trying to remember if I ever said "don't you dare" . I probably did or at least used similar. Sometimes it's the only way when dealing with a fight, kids throwing stuff at each other or staff, running off on a trip, walking into the road when not safe to do so and so on.

Tbf all behaviour management involves a "threat" of some kind if you're so inclined to look at it. Even "please remember the right choices Jimmy."

Yesterday I read a thread where someone was asking what to do about their child’s education being disrupted by the bad behaviour of others. And now today when a teacher attempts to stop that by telling a child not to interrupt (important teaching point, safety instructions?), the OP wants to know if they should complain. Ironic or what?

As for the ‘don’t you dare’, depends on the child. If it’s a child constantly ‘daring’ and pushing boundaries, this is a solid warning that there will be consequences. Is it a threat? Yes, that’s what consequences are. It gives the child a chance to check themselves. As a PP said, it’s not like they are going to be taken out and shot.

Please please consider what is happening in teaching ~ schools can’t recruit and the govt is missing recruitment targets year on year. In ten years your child in secondary will be being ‘taught’ in lecture theatres of 60/90 (already a feature of new build schools) or teaching themselves on headphones via the internet with crowd control supervisors. Cheap, non unionised labour creating drones who won’t challenge the status quo. And then ask yourself how that happened.

Thank you. The child - a 12 year old - had told his mum I had just run out of the room.

It was true, it was just a long way from the full story.

You sound like an angry person, OP. Perhaps there's some projection going on. People calmly saying complaining might be a bit much would've been nice, but the scale of the response surely shows you that it wouldn't be 'a bit much', but a completely disproportionate act that is baffling to the vast majority of people. And once again, you're expecting everyone else to be super calm, while you're full of swears and !!'s and defensiveness. We're not professional mumsnetters you know. People are people, like you, with flaws and strengths. The more understanding you are of them, the more they'll understand you.

I think you are being generous giving her until Week 3 tbh.

That actually made my stomach lurch. It’s disgusting behaviour hitting any animal. It’s abuse. I think the OP needs to look closer to home rather than at a teacher, however they appear to ignoring some of the comments…

Errm no you've misread my post....

Drone...............
You have zero idea of the context, you clearly have no idea that children perceive things 'differently' at times. The other child could have hit the teacher or brandished something or be about to escalate and if you think that doesn't happen at age 4, 5 or 6 you're wrong!

so you are all being massively unfair in your judgements of her reaction compared to home

But we are not. A child living in a home where they are scared is much more damaging than a child being reprimanded in school for poor behaviour.

Fuss over nothing. Can’t imagine why there’s a chronic teacher shortage…

I'm a ks1 teacher. I understand positive behaviour management and am always praised for my calm classroom. I still have to shout in certain circumstances though. When a child is dysregulated enough to be in fight or flight mode, a different part of their brain is functioning. This part cannot listen to rational arguments, but one way to cut through is to shout. Whilst this is not ideal, it is necessary to keep all children in my classroom safe.
For example, on Friday a dysregulated child picked up a chair, held it above their head and ran towards another child. In this instance, shouting "No! Red! Stop!" was completely appropriate and necessary. It alerted the victim so they could run away, the class so they could evacuate the classroom, and the child with the chair paused long enough for me to go near and calm them down quietly.
You have no idea the stress involved in being a teacher. UABVU

Get a grip, op. And stop shouting at home, your dd has been very clear that it frightens her. That is your problem to sort, nothing else.

I've asked her if they ever shouted, she said no.Yet within a couple of months since the start of the year ive heard various reports of this teacher doing so from DD, and other parents.She seemed much more at ease with those teachers too.