To complain about teacher's behaviour

[Ilovechocolate87]

Last night after tea, DD (6) said to younger DD (2) 'Don't you dare do that' (touch her food) in a menacing voice.It isn't something we would say, as I think it's a nasty way to speak to someone, so i asked her where she got it from, to which she replied that her teacher had shouted at a boy in her class (year 1) 'don't you dare interuppt me when I'm talking' and re-inacted it in a thunderous sort of voice.

If she was telling me the teacher was saying such things to her I would be in no doubt to complain, as its clearly threatening behaviour, but as it wasn't at her (and she confirms she has never shouted at her) I'm on the fence whether to say anything or not about it .I've re-iterated to DD not to speak to her little sister like that, explaining that even if the teacher did it, it is still wrong.She told me when I asked that it doesn't scare her when the teacher shouts (she has very sensitive hearing and is often scared if we shout at home) but i'm not really liking that she is seeing someone who should be a professional and a role model behaving in that way towards any child.

Apply the same logic to the teacher.

OP is part of what makes this country so shit at the moment. Trying to make trouble for someone over nothing.

don't you dare interuppt me when I'm talking'

You want to complain to the head teacher about this “language “????

No wonder it’s hard to find good teachers if this is how parents view their work.

YABU

And your daughter is scared of YOU shouting, not her teacher. Good bit of DARVO on your part.

Teachers are human not saints with endless patience. 'Don't you dare interrupt me' is a very reasonable thing to say to a child who is repeatedly interrupting a teacher (or any adult). In this day and age of soft parenting you need teachers like your daughter's who are prepared to draw the line in the sand of what is and isn't appropriate behaviour.

Give your head a wobble, don't be so ridiculous and move on.

You may want to consider leaving the thread, OP. This level of bullying will not be good for your mental health. Education is in flux right now and the old styles of teaching are changing, and that is naturally difficult for people. What is seen as acceptable by the profession now, won't be in the future, just as what was acceptable 20 years ago is not now. Sounds like you are a lovely parent who does their best, and who cares not only about their own child, but other children too. Ignore the mean girl comments, they are just hurt human beings trying to hurt others as a way to feel better about themselves.

The teacher is not behaving out of turn. They are doing their job and are taking a course of action which isn't beyond what anyone on this thread thinks is unacceptable.

The parent is abdicting the responsibility of explaining how the teacher is the authority and is speaking in that way for a reason and it is not appropriate for the daughter to copy this.

The OP seems to think that she should complain and get the school to deal with the matter. The reality is this is a basic parenting situation which has happened at home, not at school and it is for the parents not the school to deal with.

The OP has made a big song and dance about how she is a great parent yet, wants to blame the school for this rather than do parenting herself and to teacher her own child appropriate behaviour for a situation.

Thats one of the things thats really boiling my piss, and I see happening over and over again - parents who don't want to parent and think its all the schools job and then seek to blame the school when their child doesn't behave correctly.

Parents are capable of teaching their own children manners. This is in the realm of basic manners. It is not the child's job to tell her brother off. It doesn't matter in what manner she is doing this, its just not appropriate and THAT is what the OP needs to tackle not just the manner in which she was by what she says is copying what the teacher does.

The reality here is that kids copy how others behavior whether that be other kids misbehaving or how adults behave. They have to learn what is acceptable and appropriate and what is not. They need their parents to guide them in this. And they need to take responsibility for their actions. If all they see is their parents failing to take this responsibility they will also fail to take responsibility and learn that they can just constantly blame the school or teachers and then they will behave like brats which is only going to lead to a whole pile of other problems.

The OP wants to complain rather than parent. Thats the bottom line. And thats a really common thing thats breaking teachers.

I would love the OP to explain why can't take this on, and why it is down to the school and not her to deal with. The OP really can't claim to be the great parent she thinks if she does this every time her kid acts up - because thats what will start to happen. Then she will go into school in combat mode and gradually will totally alienate the school by being THAT parent.

If you don’t know the full facts why would you complain about a teacher? I’m not for one minute saying children should not be taken seriously as safeguarding is extremely important in schools. However, the facts need to be ascertained, no child was abused, the teacher spoke in a firm voice. I’ve done it and said “don’t you dare” to children. I’m no longer in teaching and left because of parents like you. Safeguarding is EVERYONES responsibility but do not condone the teacher when you know nothing but third hand information from a 6 year old. By all means raise a concern if you feel that’s warranted.

I’ll go back to my original reply, you physically abused a cat by hitting it. You can’t try and rationalise abusing an animal under mental health. That doesn’t (and will never) justify your actions. You have glossed over a LOT OP. Perhaps if you took responsibility for your own actions and stopped trying to project onto a teacher the fears of your child you’d be able to see how you have failed as a parent and sort out your shouting etc at home. You can back track all you want, however on here people aren’t stupid.

I will go back to the cat, you are an abuser of animals and I’m glad the cat was rehomed, you can’t run nor hide from that. As I said earlier, there are many studies out there which detail the the similar abuse between animals and children.

But cats are not humans This says it all to me, go figure!

Right.

There is a child who is definant in DS's class.

The last time I was in school, he defined the teacher no less than five times before she started 'being threatening' with consequences. He was rude and answered her back.

In the end the class was disrupted by at least 5 minutes for this single incident.

This isn't that unusual for him.

You REALLY have no fucking idiot of the context or how often this is happening. You daughter really won't be telling you this age six.

YOU need to parent and explain appropriate behave of your daughter rather than nickpick the teacher you don't like.

Because I really won't surprise me, if you start to hear a whole pile more about disruptive kids in the class as your daughter gets older. Your daughter needs to learn how to deal with 'bad influences' and certain situations. She isn't the teacher. She should not behave like the teacher, because she is not a grown up and its not her role to police the behaviour of her peers.

With some of my classes I would like to finish a sentence without being interrupted. I tell them this and sometimes I have to raise my voice so I can actually do my job.

This post literally exists to ask for opinions:
it’s not called “I Am Not Being Unreasonable and Here’s Why” for a reason.

If people in large numbers are replying to do the OP the service of pointing out that they have lost contact with the plot, that is not bullying. Just like “don’t you dare” is not a threat or threatening language, answering a question to say “why yes. Yes you are in fact being very unreasonable, since you asked for my opinion and let me quantify why for the avoidance of doubt” is also not bullying.

I rarely reply on these posts. The fact I’ve replied on this at all is because the OP’s position is utterly astounding.

there is nothing wrong with putting in boundaries and discipline, but there are much better ways of doing it

Please do enlighten us to these better ways. We await your superior understanding and extensive classroom experience. And a literature review of your ways would also be useful.

See, it's this kind of mean girl comment, Volpini, that is just unpleasant and seeks to be hurtful. The OP asked a question, but what she is getting are not thoughtful and helpful replies, what she is getting is bullied. You must be able to see that? You must all be able to see that?

You are being beyond unreasonable. You think it’s perfectly fine to shout at home in a way that frightens your child because you’re a parent “at the end of your tether”? And your anger issues have included hitting a defenseless animal. That’s a truly appalling thing to do, far worse than using the phrase “don’t you dare.” But you’re judging a teacher for using this expression that you don’t like? You didn’t even witness the interaction, it would be absurd for you to complain about it. Motes and beams come to mind.

In other words, focus on your own anger issues.

You abused an animal. So I do judge your parenting skills. What an awful person you are to have abused an animal. I am judging away.

See, it's this kind of mean girl comment, Volpini, that is just unpleasant and seeks to be hurtful

Unpleasant? OP believes the teacher's practise is unacceptable. It would surely be helpful to tell us what would be acceptable and why?

OP is an example of one of the reasons experienced and capable teachers are walking away from the job. There are many more of us hanging by threads. It has got to the point that some classes no longer have qualified teachers in front of them for prolonged periods of time. There is no sign of it getting better. This is not what any child deserves.

I still think the OP is being utterly unreasonable. The remark wasn't addressed to her child. She wasn't present and knows nothing about the context.

I don't think it's bullying to say that.

Picking up on the OPs hypocrisy isn't bullying.
Picking up on the OPs gross hyperbolic comparison between this situation and an abusive husband isn't bullying.
Picking up on the OPs continued attack on this teacher and how if she can't do things the way the OP likes then she shouldnt be a teacher isn't bullying.
Picking up on the OP unwillingness to understand the concept of context and that her daughter might not be explaining the whole situation isn't bullying.
Picking up on the OP STILL persisting that the teacher was 'threatening' and saying that she wasn't saying the right thing despite so many posters saying it's fine and has it's place isn't bullying.
Picking up on the OP blaming the school for a situation which should be a parenting one isn't bullying.

Saying someone is wrong and is being totally unreasonable isn't bullying.

People have said constructive things - they said the way you interact with the school matters, they've taken about how the OP has anger issues of her own (which is contributing to her reaction to this thread) and they've said they've that the OP need ls to take some parental responsibility.

They've done that robustly because the of the OPs attitude that she's STILL right no matter what. It's the tone deafness that making the responses (that are invited by creating a thread) strong.

The OP doesn't want to listen because she's right and everyone one else is wrong. And it's got backs up.

And she still doesn't get this is what would happen if she complained to school. The OP is alienating people by not listening and demanding.

That's a lesson that she'd be wise to learn, because beyond this thread, she's going to continue to have issues because she is so tone deaf and her expectations are so off.

But she won't. Because it's easier to hide behind the accusations that everyone is 'bullying' her. Because that's the pattern of not taking responsibility and not listening...

Came here to post this. My kids, (14 and 9) for the most part, have had fantastic teachers. Some tougher than others but all of the engaged, brilliant in their own ways and extremely committed humans.
The weakest of these great people was my daughter’s then year 6 teacher (and he is now my son’s year 4 teacher.) Lovely guy. However, from what my dd recounted and my own limited observations, his boundaries and authority need work. He gets great outcomes from some kids, but unfortunately my dd’s y6 had some right characters in it and she would come home frustrated at the class disruption whilst teacher was turning a blind eye. Her previous teachers had been less popular with the kids, but more appropriately authoritative and with better boundaries and outcomes, in my unqualified opinion. She was relieved to get to secondary where within weeks she couldn’t believe the difference in behaviour and how much easier it was to work in a classroom not constantly disrupted because the teachers won’t stand for it.

In addition, OP:

1. I have found it is more productive in life to work from the position that - generally - professionals tend to be the experts in their field and to work with them as a partner. Of course, there are always outliers, but when something seems off to me I seek first to understand rather than assume that the other person is unfit to be in post.
2. I work from a position that teachers and SLT are humans and are not yet pre programmed automatons. Therefore I try not to hold them to a higher standard than I am capable of myself. If I expect forgiveness for my weaknesses, I try very hard to extend that same courtesy otherwise that would be a double standard, no? We are all learning and growing to do better together as pupils, parents and as teachers, no?
3. context is key. Is this teacher leaping out of bed in the morning in their eagerness to be mean to little kids or was this a one off? Given your kid isn’t frightened of her, which she absolute would be if she was hollering morning til night, I think you are safe to assume that probably one child got on her last nerve on one day. she probably felt horrible about it, even though the kid needed the boundary. (See point 2.) Chatty kid is now very clear on where the line is and has crystal clear expectations. Chatty kid unlikely to keep getting into trouble for the same behaviour. Win.
4. most importantly. I know that when I get disproportionately out of shape about something, that the thing that has triggered me is actually not about the other person or teacher, but actually something in me. For instance, I used to get very uncomfortable around anger/ raised voices or being/ feeling angry and had beliefs about anger that I was fortunate to be able to work through with someone. Anger is not rage or violence per se. It does not automatically mean that someone is unkind/ threatening/ abusive or out of control. It is merely a signpost that someone or something has crossed a boundary or line you hold. It is a sign you value and respect yourself when you feel angry. What you do with that is a different matter. Responding appropriately to and respecting anger is a part of a healthy functioning person and society. I feel you would be well served to sit with your beliefs about anger and what you perceive to be this teacher’s response. I suspect these beliefs are more likely the source of your (in my opinion) disproportionate reaction, not whatever is actually going on in the classroom with this teacher. When I learned to do this it was honestly transformative.

The only thing bullied on this thread was the poor cat!

Why start a poll if you are going to be convinced the 6% who agree with you are right and the 94% who don't are wrong?

Saying "don't you dare do that" is not threatening speech ffs. Sort yourself out. And leave the teacher alone. He/she is trying to control 30 plus kids. Sometimes they need to use their "Mum Voice".

ODFOD. How sanctimonious of you! I have been bullied. This isn't bullying by any stretch.

@Repurposing
You tagged me in reply to a comment that was not mine.
When making complaints accuracy matters.

@Repurposing
not sure what I have to do with this post.
As if to illustrate the point many are trying to make on this thread, if you’re going to complain, facts matter.

Wow.

There are no excuses: hitting a cat - a creature the size of a newborn baby - is horrific. You are an animal abuserand the fact you ever thought it acceptable to hit such a small creature shows how unreasonable and irrational you are.

Just as irrational and unreasonable is your desire to police the language style of a teacher, based on a second-hand account of a six year old of a conversation she wasn't involved in.