To complain about teacher's behaviour

[Ilovechocolate87]

Last night after tea, DD (6) said to younger DD (2) 'Don't you dare do that' (touch her food) in a menacing voice.It isn't something we would say, as I think it's a nasty way to speak to someone, so i asked her where she got it from, to which she replied that her teacher had shouted at a boy in her class (year 1) 'don't you dare interuppt me when I'm talking' and re-inacted it in a thunderous sort of voice.

If she was telling me the teacher was saying such things to her I would be in no doubt to complain, as its clearly threatening behaviour, but as it wasn't at her (and she confirms she has never shouted at her) I'm on the fence whether to say anything or not about it .I've re-iterated to DD not to speak to her little sister like that, explaining that even if the teacher did it, it is still wrong.She told me when I asked that it doesn't scare her when the teacher shouts (she has very sensitive hearing and is often scared if we shout at home) but i'm not really liking that she is seeing someone who should be a professional and a role model behaving in that way towards any child.

The reasons the profession is in such a state is not down to the children and parents, though it's much easier to blame them than it is for the profession to take a long hard look in the mirror.

Wow! Unbelievable comment. You think the state of UK schools is down to teachers being awful?? Not due to lack of funding, incompetent government, poor parenting, huge classes etc??? You sound absolutely clueless!

I referred to the potential complaint as 'ridiculous ', because it would be. To complain that the phrase 'don't you dare' was used in front of their child without having any other information about the context. The result of complaining would no doubt be a meeting, which takes up time and what is the desired outcome? To tightly police what phrases the teacher is allowed to use in the future?

I also referred to 'pointless' complaints because we have seen a significant increase in them. Of course genuine issues and concerns are dealt with and taken seriously. The sort of pointless complaints I am referring to are along the lines of:
Child being told their chocolate bar is not the healthiest playtime snack choice;
Child being told they can't snap pencils in half;
Having a class assembly on a day a particular parent couldn't make it;
Child feeling sad because they don't like dance - apparently the PE planning should be changed so they don't have to do it;
Child feeling upset when watching a video of a fireworks display (nothing said by the child at the time);
Child breaking their expensive water bottle (that parent was particularly angry).

Yes it is my choice to leave teaching, but that is because it is destroying my mental health. I've been spoken to with such hostility and disrespect over the last year that it's broken me. I don't take time off because I feel so responsible for my class, but I just go home and cry. Fine, you think I sound disrespectful, I've simply had enough.

Sorry, that was in reply to @Repurposing but it didn't quote.

Interesting that you are allowed to make mistakes and feel they are due to extenuating circumstances that are worthy of understanding from others. You regret them. You want to do better. They are not because you are a bad person, but because you were having a bad time in that moment.

Yet this teacher faces your full scorn and judgment - not for doing something awful or unforgivable, but for using the phrase 'don't you dare...'

Come on op, practise what you preach.

@Ilovechocolate87 there is actually a strong correlation between harming animals and then harming people.

I am a teacher too and I consider myself lucky to work in a private school with good behaviour so I don’t often have to raise my voice. I also teach senior school so I’m not dealing with 6 year olds.

parents like you are why there there is so many leaving the profession. Friends who work in state schools often tell me they are thinking of quitting. Did you consider what the child was doing when the teacher told them off? Probably being rude and constantly interrupting her because they had never been taught that interrupting adults is rude. Probably got some smug parents at home who don’t believe in discipline.

If you complain - heads time reading and responding to your complaint, speaking to teacher to establish facts, upset or angry teacher who will quite rightly think you are someone to be wary of from now on and share with colleagues.

Alternative - your dd is not upset about it. It is a common enough phrase. The teacher has not actually done something wrong just because you don't like it. You have a little conversation with dd that different adults deal with unwanted behaviour in different ways.

Parenting can be incredibly hard. I’m sure many of us are guilty of shouting at our children at times. But your complete lack of correlation between parenting being hard and teaching being hard is astounding.

How about 'You need to stop interuppting me please' in a firm voice.

Or jeez even in a raised voice.

At least that doesn't sound like a condescending threat.

But it is a “threat” because if they keep behaving like that they will face further consequences.

i know you have said you have experience in a nursery but in all fairness that is very different from being in a school!

Don’t you also have a thread running about how your child is scared to be in a different room from you in your house? That would suggest it’s not an issue with the teacher if your child is scared.

It's become more and more ridiculous over the years.

I was in a middle management post latterly. Had a complaint from a parent who had taken her 17 yr old out of school during term time for a fortnight. (A skiing holiday.)

She expected a member of my department to come into work during the Easter Break to get her child up to speed for the upcoming exam.

I would always go the extra mile to help a child who had missed school because of illness or a bereavement. However, I had to resist pressure from both parents and management to make up for deficits caused by a pupil's own poor behaviour or a parent's decision to go on holiday at a crucial time. There seemed to be an expectation that staff could offer individual tuition at the drop of a hat.

Wolfiefan · Today 22:19

Don’t you also have a thread running about how your child is scared to be in a different room from you in your house? That would suggest it’s not an issue with the teacher if your child is scared.

This^

And is also says a lot that the cat was weeing on her bed. In my (long) experience of cats, they do that sort of thing only when they are stressed - or have a UTI. I remember my ex staying at the home of one of my relatives, and their cat both weed and shat on the bed. Very intelligent feline, in my opinion.

The condescending threat is your 'shall I complain' OP. How do you know the child was not already asked that? More than once. You were there?

Do better for your child. You can be as soft as you like with her at home, but the world outside is not all about her. Teach her to mind her business understand that the teacher has a job to do, and it's made harder when her friend interrupts.

@Wolfiefan yes I do, but I haven't said the teacher is making my child scared.

She is scared at home to go upstairs because of the smoke alarm going off.

She might be, but thats not what my post was originally stating.It was her behaviour towards another child, not mine.My DD said she 'wasn't scared of it'.

Op if I were you I'd focus on what's going on in my home. I think it's pretty common to get fixated on something in this case the teacher to avoid the real situation. I know I've done it before so don't take that as critical but you really need to focus on what's going on at home so your child feels safe. And sorry but I would not want a nursery teacher that abuses animals and has a so much going on at home. It's good you and your dh are working on your anger issues don't stop. Your owe your children a peaceful home

The cat probably was stressed @pollyglot , it wasn't happy and took the brunt of my frustration, which was not right or fair.I see that now, I regret the way I behaved wholeheartedly, hence i rehomed the cats 4 years ago now and will not own cats again.

They aren't better paid in the countries we're pulling nurses from.

OP, have a read of the comments triggered by my comment. Look at the language used to try to belittle my view and shut me down., it's almost laughable, as the posters are just illustrating my point for me! It won't matter what your previous posts are about, you could be the perfect human and parent, the bullies will all swoop in like vultures to peck away at you. It's always the same on here when anyone questions a teacher's practice. Hopefully it shines a light where it needs to be shone.

3 words of advice.
GET
A
GRIP.

That’s horrific!!! I can’t believe that. You poor thing x

I don't know when this post I wrote that's been dragged up about me and my dh arguing was from though....I'm guessing it was during the lockdown periods, as that was when it was at it's worst.Yes it did scare her sometimes, and i'm not proud of that.There was no DV but there was a fair amount of loud arguments, one of us storming off etc.We got relationship counselling, the life stressors eased (at the time i had no job, my DH was on the brike of potentially losing his, I had a miscarriage and my dad became seriously ill....so yes it was a tense household for DD, I don't debate that)

But things are not like that now,we rarely have rows, or big arguments.We bicker sometimes because we are both sensitive and stubborn, but it's not even raised voices usually.
Sometimes we raise our voice at DD when she is not listening, usually in the mornings or at bedtime.
That is now what we are working on trying to improve.

Thankyou for your responses @Repurposing @SwiftieGrainger and @Blackandwhitemakesgrey makes the nasty comments slightly less painful knowing not everyone thinks I'm a child abusing piece of shit nutcase 🙄
I have my faults and flaws for sure, but I'm none of those things.

the bullies will all swoop in like vultures to peck away at you

It's not bullying to point out blatant hypocrisy. The OP can't control her temper enough to stop herself from shouting at her own kids, but she wanted to make a complaint about a teacher who (allegedly) raised their voice to tell off a child, even though the OP didn’t witness this and doesn't know the context.

Nobody thinks there's no such thing as a bad teacher, but it's ridiculous to think that teachers in charge of large classes of kids won't sometimes need to raise their voices or speak sharply to children to get them to stop poor behaviour.

I think this is fine & actually good. I would be ok if a teacher said this to my child if needed.

my DD came home one day saying the teacher shouted at her (re-enacted in a v dramatic way!) “nobody asked your opinion, be quiet” then told me she felt embarrassed & went red! So I just said don’t interrupt with your opinions then.

This is how children learn the way of the world & what’s acceptable & what’s not. It’s a good life lesson.