To complain about teacher's behaviour

[Ilovechocolate87]

Last night after tea, DD (6) said to younger DD (2) 'Don't you dare do that' (touch her food) in a menacing voice.It isn't something we would say, as I think it's a nasty way to speak to someone, so i asked her where she got it from, to which she replied that her teacher had shouted at a boy in her class (year 1) 'don't you dare interuppt me when I'm talking' and re-inacted it in a thunderous sort of voice.

If she was telling me the teacher was saying such things to her I would be in no doubt to complain, as its clearly threatening behaviour, but as it wasn't at her (and she confirms she has never shouted at her) I'm on the fence whether to say anything or not about it .I've re-iterated to DD not to speak to her little sister like that, explaining that even if the teacher did it, it is still wrong.She told me when I asked that it doesn't scare her when the teacher shouts (she has very sensitive hearing and is often scared if we shout at home) but i'm not really liking that she is seeing someone who should be a professional and a role model behaving in that way towards any child.

yes to A and B.

But I also wouldn’t complain about a teacher based on this non event.

Or hit a cat.

The consequence/threat implied is "don't you dare interrupt or you will lose group points/go to head teacher/have a phone call home" and the child should be keen not to let down group/face chat from head teacher or parents.

There is nothing wrong with the phrase. Teacher was fine. If you complain they will think you are bonkers.

Hits animals, has a DH that shouts at the kids, wants to complain about a teacher using an everyday phrase at a pupil.

Talk about a weapon!!

I said that to a boy in my class this week. He was throwing pencils at other kids and telling me to fuck off. I thought I was being pretty restrained.

You have no idea of the circumstances in which the teacher said that.

Assuming this isn’t just a wind up…
It seems like the OP misunderstands the implication of “Don’t you dare…!” and equates it with something like “If you…. you’ll be sorry”. Both are a similar level of telling off on the surface, but the first one is an instruction “Don’t be so bold as to do that!” and doesn’t actually imply consequences which could be threatening, whereas the second one does.
I’m a teacher and I agree that we’re allowed to say “Don’t you dare!” if the occasion demands it!
Whether the OP’s teacher shouts too much, I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps she does 🤷‍♀️

They’d be no teachers left at all if you think she’s in the wrong career for such an inoffensive remark.

And perhaps the OP's daughter has learnt how to get her mother's attention...

Why do you think I'm being 'abusive'? Most kids are scared of their adults raising their voice when they tell them off? Why am I getting so much vitriol for something many other parents do too,(and something you're all saying a teacher is entitled to do aswell)

I'm confused?!

Maybe it's got something to do with you being adamant that this teacher did something terrible...

Can you really not see the hypocrisy of this?
You are expecting a teacher not to lose her temper, trying to teach 30 children, and to be professional, but it's ok for you to lose your shit because you're a "frazzled parent"?
One - you weren't there, you have no idea what actually happened.
Two - DD isn't scared at school when the teachers voice is raised, but she is at home. I'd be looking at yourself rather than the teacher if I were you.
Three - anyone that loses their tempter enough to hit a small creature has absolutely no room to judge or speak ill of anyone else. It doesn't matter if it wasn't a human, you absolutely cannot judge anyone given your behaviour.

If your choke went into school and said "mummy shouts and scared me and she smacked the cat because it was naughty", I guarantee them school would be more concerned than they would about the phrase "don't you dare".

Fine, but hitting a cat doesn't make me a bad parent or a child abuser.

It made me a bad pet owner.

That resonates.

Had a parent complain that I was bullying her 16 yr old. An investigation took place - every single pupil in the class was interviewed. They all said the same thing: Mrs AuldWumman had told the girl to be quiet. Yes, she had told one other person to be quiet.

The mother stated that she did not accept the findings: her daughter always told the truth.

My depute declined to pass on the following. In class, her consistently truthful daughter had previously announced to her all her pals: "My mum's a slut!"

Because you're being completely hypocritical!

Having had 3 kids I have probably said “Don’t you dare…” in a raised voice a number of times! 🤦‍♀️

Oh yes amen, I was investigated too. Thank God the other kids told the truth.

Teachers are leaving the profession in droves.
12.8% of new teachers leave after the first year.
By the end of the fourth year of teaching, a third of teachers have left.
They cannot fill teacher positions in schools and they are struggling to recruit trainees.

There are lots of reasons for this, but children’s behaviour and lack of parental support on the whole is a definitely a contributing factor.

You only have to come on here to see one or two posts a day where a parent is slating a teacher.
Perhaps if teachers are so dreadful at their jobs, you’d like to home school your little angels instead? Or maybe you could put your money where your mouth is and join the profession and show all these mean and awful teachers just how it should be done?
How about you stand at the front of a class and keep the attention of 32 children, when 7 of them have SEN and you have no TA. How about you see how you deal with constant disruptive behaviour, knowing that if you say anything too ‘harsh’, or dole out a fitting punishment, the little cherub’s parent (or perhaps a random parent whose child was nothing to do with it!) is going to put a complaint in against you.

I have no regrets in leaving the profession and you couldn’t pay me enough money to go back.
It’s not teachers failing children, it’s parents.

I would see this as a good opportunity for your child to learn that whether things are ok or not depends on context.

When a teacher, who has a disciplinary role, a position of authority etc, says something, it's different from if we say it to our friends and family. That's a very important element of socialisation - for a child to learn that the exact same thing, said in the exact same way, can be ok in one context but not ok in another.

So I'd just say something like, we don't speak to each other here the way our teachers speak to us because when we're at home with our family, it's different to being at school.

OP
You just don’t get it do you? You sound so entitled.
It’s parents like you who can ruin a perfectly decent teacher’s career.

"She masks a lot at school" - this is known as social behaviour. You should be glad that a) she is learning to get on in a social environment in an acceptable way b) she is comfortable enough at home to let go and relax into her "family" self.

Hitting a cat made you an animal abuser. Reading that honestly made me feel ill. Abusing animals is as gross as abusing children.

My ds has never been scared of me. He has complex special needs and used to regularly attack me.

i have gotten frustrated at times, but never scared him. Never screamed at him. I am his safe place.

I don't think having your kids be scared of you is ever a good thing.

He is also really polite and well behaved with others and at school ( although school refusal is a thing ), I have never had to scare him.

And " don't you dare " is not threatening language. Why do you think it is?

Correct. A ridiculous parental complaint like this might be just the thing to drive an overworked, underappreciated teacher to resign.

The maths teacher used to throw the board rubber at me :) Well, my desk.

Dear me! I imagine you would possibly be one of the first parents to complain if your child's learning is hampered by the behaviour of another student in the class. Also, working in a nursery is not the same as teaching a class of 30 students, all of whom have challenging targets to meet..

But I would expect a teacher to have more patience and emotional regulation than a frazzled parent rushing around at the end of their tether.If they don't maybe they should be in a different career.

Teachers are not robots. They have good days and bad days, they experience stress and they make mistakes just like everyone else.

I have a child with SEND who is upset by shouting. She also can't read social cues so in the past if a Teacher has shouted anywhere near her, she has assumed they were shouting at her.

I would never go running to the HT to complain about a Teacher raising their voice unless they said something genuinely offensive or inappropriate. Instead, I explain to my DD that adults have big emotions too and sometimes this means they might shout, just like she sometimes shouts when she's overwhelmed or frustrated. I have also explained that sometimes Teachers have to shout to get children's attention when there are 30 children in a class and its getting a bit loud. She understands this, because we've helped her to understand it, and she is now more able to rationalise that unless the Teacher uses her name or is looking directly at her, it's unlikely they are shouting at her.

Its been my experience (to date) that most teachers shout. I suppose they have to at times but agree there is a difference between being loud and being menacing. My own child had a teacher who shouted a lot last year. It was a daily occurrence. However in other ways, the teacher was amazing. She was very good at explaining/teaching (not all teachers are) and was very encouraging and motivating.

However the year before the same child had a teacher who was quite plainly a mean adult who spoke menacingly to the kids and stared straight into their faces. My child hated that teacher and was frightened of her. On one occasion, the children made Christmas cards for the teacher and in front of them, she balled them up and threw them into the bin without reading the cards.

When it came to the end of the year, the kids didn't make her cards or bring in kids like they had previously done.

The very sad thing was that she was a young teacher (24/25 at most) and she was plainly not cut out for the job. I dread to think what she will be like in another ten years and can only hope she recognises that teaching is not for her and quits.

Shouting, while not great isn't as bad as being frightening. Kids cannot learn in that atmosphere and definitely keep an eye on it and ask to meet with the school if necessary. My child's end of year results were far below what was previously achieved but thankfully went back to being an A student the following year with another teacher.