Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I was heavily pregnant one Christmas, baby was born a week later but he was late so could have been here for Christmas. The rather loose plan was we would have Christmas Day at home by ourselves, my father and DHs father were dead so my mum and my MIL were alone but we picked MIL up late afternoon and went to my mum's for tea. Spent a couple of hours there and dropped MIL home.

First GC so MIL was very excited and annoying as she was I wouldn't have excluded her. A couple of hours was fine although I think I was a bit grumpy as it was a big baby and I couldn't get comfortable. I did try.

Could MIL come round for a couple of hours in the morning or in the evening?

My understanding is that OP is not trying to exclude her MIL at Christmas or prevent her seeing her son or baby grandson.

The issue is that OP might be heavily pregnant, in labour, in hospital, sitting with a baby who still needs to be in hospital or just arrived home. She genuinely does not know how she will be spending Christmas day. Given this uncertainty she does not want MIL to be reliant on her and DH for company and food on Christmas day. She is worried that MIL could end up alone or just with a family she does not know very well. She is suggesting that for this year MIL should maybe have another alternative in mind. This does not sound unreasonable or mean to me.

Oh I bet it will be! Judging by her DH's attitude, depending on whether she is home or not, OP will be either

A.) Left alone on a hospital ward on Christmas Day with a newborn while DH visits MIL.

B.) Pressured to go to her Parents even if she really doesn't feel up to it because "it's not fair on MIL" to have nowhere to go.

People will say she should put her foot down and not let either of these things happen, but immediately post birth is a vulnerable time, even if you're usually very assertive. Much better to put her foot down now while she can.

Can her firm plans to spend the day with her family also include ‘loose plans’ to pop in and see you guys if you’re at home, or in hospital?

If she lives close enough to do a quick visit for a few hours on Boxing Day then I’m just not sure why she can’t do a quick visit on Christmas Day?

I don’t think you should “host” her.
Your DH was wrong to invite her without checking with your parents.
I don’t think you should be responsible for her sole Christmas Day plans.

But I just can’t see why it matters if she plans to pop in on Christmas Day for an hour or on Boxing Day. Either could be called off if you’re unwell or still in hospital.

Op has been asked to host mil for Christmas Day all day, not just for coffee and a cuddle of new baby. The two are different.

I think you're right to not want to make any concrete plans. If you go over and need to be induced (not uncommon for a first baby) you may be in hospital on Christmas Day in the midst of sweeps and an induction. Your DH may not understand this and it's unpredictability maybe he assumes the due date is 'the day'. I also wouldn't be making any plans for Xmas day except for ensuring I had food in the fridge ready and saying to my parents that we may pop over. Maybe your DH could say the same to his mum depending on how far away she lives

I think YABU to consider seeing your parents but not your MIL. But I do agree you can’t set any plans in stone. Could you not just say she could pop round for an hour in the morning IF you are up to it, the same as you’ll see your parents if you’re up to it?

OP I don’t know why people are acting like it’s no big deal, I would have hated to have my MIL round in the immediate aftermath of having either of my kids. I don’t dislike her, we have a good relationship but it’s not the same as with my own mum and I wouldn’t have wanted any pressure to look after her as well as adjusting to life with a newborn. It being Christmas is a red herring, you’re as entitled as any woman to hold boundaries around the early postnatal period, regardless of the time of year. She has family to spend Christmas with, you aren’t leaving her to spend it alone and she can come round when you feel ready to see her.

It's really, really unkind to state that OPs parents have no right to have a small family Christmas with their own child. What obligation do they have to their son in laws mother that isn't exceeded by her very own children? Plural! OPs DH isn't the only one!

I feel a kind of rage about all these posters telling you you're being selfish. Basically in their world a woman can't put her needs first, ever. Not even after she's just given birth. What the fuck is wrong with people?

OP, hold your ground. Your husband is being a massive arsehole. I hope this doesn't bode badly for the future.

The person being selfish is your DH, but honestly what kind of person invites themselves to Christmas Day with a couple who have a (or are about to have a) newborn? Is she thick? Nobody with an ounce of sense or sensitivity would ask that.

You need to spell it out very clearly to dickhead DH that he needs to grow up. His only job is advocate and facilitate for you to have as much space to nest with your new baby. He needs to ensure you’re as comfortable and as rested as possible. His job is crowd control, and that includes his mother.

She's on here because her "D"H had a mantrum about her very reasonable position I imagine.

I understand where you are coming from, potentially being a few days post birth. But then if you're making tentative plans to see your family I can see why DH also wants to see his family. He loves his mum as much as you love yours!
Surely the easiest thing is to tell everyone, both sides of the family, that you will be making no plans at all because you don't know when the baby will arrive or what state you will be in, but that as soon as you are well recovered enough you will invite visitors over. Encourage them all to have alternative Christmas plans.

I don't get why an hour or two on boxing day is so different to christmas day?

Slightly different situation. I am due on 26th November so will have more recovery time but also have a 3 year old.

This year my mother is going to cook lunch in our house for me, DH, DC1, new baby, herself and my Dad. MIL lives alone and we have invited her to come also. Could you do something like this.

I know it's my house but I'm not planning on doing anything other than looking after baby and playing with toddler. I would feel terrible not to include MIL it's only for a few hours. She only sees my family approx 3 times per year for birthdays etc but everyone gets on ok. Had first DC in height of lockdown so grateful this baby will be able to spend time with family x

My DD 2 was born 15 th December, I was back in hospital Christmas Day having my episiotomy resutured as it turned out, I reacted to the original sutures.
You can never predict what is going to happen.
I would plan on a day at home with some food and treats, just the 2 of you plus baby. You will not feel like going anywhere if you have a newborn.
Sell it to MIL that she will get first Christmas when baby is old enough to play with the wrapping paper.

The whole point is that she CAN'T make firm plans right now because she has no idea how things will pan out.

All she wants is to say 'not sure how things will be going down so I'm not making any firm plans but if all things go well and I'm feeling up to it, feel free to pop over for an hour or so'

If MIL is up for that, there's no issue. It's the fact that op is expected to make firm arrangements that she may not be able to keep.

You were very lucky with your experience but how much if it was planned in advance?

Also your MIL is a grown woman and presumably knows babies don’t arrive to plan, so I’m sure she knows there is a risk she will be spending Christmas by herself and has decided as an adult that that’s fine

@Nanny0gg "The person who is desperate to be with the new baby."

That person had her time with new babies.
Her own children.
It's so selfish of her not to give the new parents space.
It's not like she doesn't have other options.
One of my sisters has become a first time grandparent and she wouldn't dream of pushing herself on her dd and sil.
They know she's there to help them if they ask as they live close by.
And they have asked.
But she doesn't see them otherwise as they are in their own little bubble.
Fortunately all went well with the birth and the baby is healthy.
My sister did admit that some days she was itching to go down and see her dgs but of course, resisted.

I don't see what the drama is...Christmas is supposed to be about love and sharing and it's not going to be nice for her on her own.
Fast forward x years and think how you would would feel if your child did this to you, it's normal that she will want to be around her grandchild, don't shut her out.

I think it's clear that you don't want her involved at Christmas because there are a few options here that you could you use to make her feel included and I just don't get the impression you want to.

The best thing you can do is say that you can't make concrete plans but if you're feeling well enough on the day then you'd be happy to see her in the morning for a short while. You can then see your family for a short while after that. It's a shame your family aren't more welcoming and kind to your MIL but you're obviously not in control of that part.

If you stand firm on the line of not making concrete plans then you can't be responsible for her potentially ending up on her own if you're in hospital still (etc). That's completely up to her if she wants to take that chance.

Could MIL come round for a couple of hours in the morning or in the evening?

She doesn't know, that's the whole point!!

OP might be in the throes of labour, she might have had the baby but be in hospital, she might be recovering from a difficult birth or she might be absolutely fine. She has no idea what will be going on so does not want to make firm plans. Hence why MIL's expectation that OP and her DH host her for the day (and her DH's expectation that OP's parents, by extension, host her) is not only selfish but completely impractical.

I think you need to tell her all this yourself. Ring her up and explain. Don’t leave it all going through dh or she’ll get a convoluted wrong angle and there is potential for hurt feelings. Hopefully she’ll see the sense in it.
Emphasise you may or may not be going to your parents. The fact it’s Xmas is irrelevant this year. it’s going to pass you by, unless you actually feel up to it - which you just don’t know yet.

The fact is a DIL will always want their mum with them shortly after birth. That simply isn't true and you can't possibly speak for all women. I had a home birth, when the midwives arrived the first thing I said to them was, "If you let my mother come in this room I am leaving." They were in no doubt I meant it and when she tried they blocked her.

I was very close to my mother but I knew she'd be fussing and I couldn't cope with it, I knew I couldn't. My MIL wasn't around for that birth as my SIL had a baby the following day so she was looking after a GC but I'd have been more comfortable with her there as she'd have been more relaxed about the whole thing.

This made me laugh
Is husband expecting that if you don't go to your mothers then you will be cooking your own Christmas Dinner at home? Could MIL help cook at your house while you rest? Does your husband cook?

The last thing OP should have to think of is anyone cooking a Christmas dinner. Is baby has only just arrived it’s worth keeping life simple and they need time to relax and get to know their baby.