Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

But it could be a loose plan just like the loose plan with her own parents.

It's Christmas - my instinct would be to be kind and involve your mother in law in your plans, whatever they end up being. She's your family and your husband's mum - I'm sure she'll be accommodating and understanding if she has to fit in with altered plans and could be a massive help to you. She's done nothing wrong, I don't get your anger.

What are some posters not understanding?! Jesus Christ this is annoying to read.

The OP can’t make plans because she doesn’t know if she’ll be wrecked by labour, still in hospital, or in labour! Fuck sake. She’s worried that if any of these situations happen, her MIL will wind up being alone. And she has loose plans to see her folks for a bit if she can, and her MIL on Boxing Day, if she can.

Christ almighty.

Can we stop with the “it’s his baby, too” and “one day you’ll be a MIL” bullshit now?

Yes, the original plan (MIL with them all day) is absolutely terrible and DH shouldn’t have agreed.

But the couple of hours morning or evening, all things being well and mum & baby at home, is a compromise that would work.

Because for some reason the op has some duty to accommodate her MiL, despite MiL having other children, or not even offered to accommodate the OP or her own son and new grandchild herself. And only Christmas Day itself will do otherwise the op is some awful, MiL denying witch who obviously wants to keep the baby to her own family and not just be hoping she’ll manage to sit in her own mums house never-mind anything else a few days PP. Boxing Day? 24 hours later? OP might as well shit in a manger crib for how insulting that is.

Frustrating isn't it @Hibiscrubbed 😬

Lol right. So you think I should say she can come for a couple of hours only on Xmas day in the morning. Assuming i HAVE given birth and am not in hospital in the first place what does she do rest of the day? She would be alone which she doesn't want. She wants to be with us the whole day. That makes no sense. She needs to plan something else which means she can have a guaranteed plan on Xmas day and won't potentially be left alone for the day which is highly likely if she tries to "plan" to see us with so much up in the air

All your problems would be solved if you were like me and delivered babies well after the due date - You would probably be in hospital on Christmas Day.
I’m with those who think that MIL hasn’t given her request much thought, and all the more so as she has other family that she could spend the day with. Has there been an issue with them and she has found herself with nowhere else to go?
I can well understand OP not wanting to make any firm plans for the day and I’d be really cross if my OH did what hers had done.
If it were me I’d be having a further discussion with OH and picking up the phone myself to speak to MIL explaining to her nicely that plans for Christmas are very much up in the air, that I was hoping for a quiet day without having to worry about food preparation etc and that all being well I was planning to pop into my parents ( who will have my sister home for the first time in many years) for something to eat.
Being honest I do have a degree of sympathy for the mums of men when their partners give birth as their feelings do often seem to be forgotten about, but as a parent she should be able to understand where you are coming from as new mum and that she hadn’t properly thought through her request to spend the day with you.
It could of course be that your baby might be a least a couple of weeks old by the time Christmas Day arrives and in this case it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find a time over the holiday to entertain her in some way. Having a newborn shouldn’t prevent you from doing this and all the more so if OH pulls his weight.

Nothing like a hospital Christmas Day dinner 😂

OP might as well shit in a manger crib for how insulting that is.

@Nonoatchristmas If I was drinking tea when I read that, I'd have spat it out!! 😂😂😂

DS1 was due 14th December. I'm so glad we had no plans made that year because nothing would've fitted any plan....
We had m&s easy stuff in freezer/fridge just in case. Turned out I was admitted late boxing day evening and he was induced and born just before midnight on the 27th.
Lots of things went wrong and we didn't get out of hospital until 3rd January.

Your mother in law needs to make other plans for Christmas and you'll see her when you're up to it.

DS1 will be 18 this year

@Kirstymwh does your DH actually understand the almost infinite variables?
In other words, is he actually being an arse or is he just innocently not understanding the situation?

YANBU, if you don't feel comfortable you don't feel comfortable. Period.

My MIL stayed with us 2 months post partum and made life HELL for me. She criticized, belittled, fussed over everything and dictated what I do/don't do. She ruined my breastfeeding journey completely and threw tantrums around when I didn't listen to her/wanted things my way.

If you're not on great terms with your MIL and you know she'll make life difficult for you straight after labour or just before it, DO NOT allow her to come under ANY circumstances.

I'm suffering from depression thanks to the MIL and am unable to bond with my baby well.

Prioritize yourself ALWAYS.

But if the loose plan to see her parents falls through it doesn't matter because they're all still together. MIL is refusing to make other plans, so if the loose plan for her to come over falls through then OP then has the guilt/worry about her being on her own.

Not really.
OPs parents Christmas plans with her sister will be happening with or without OP. They will be fine either way.
In MILs case, OP and her DH are the Christmas plans. And as they are going to be exceptionally unreliable this year, it's better that MIL makes firm plans with one of her other children.

In your shoes I would be telling DH that he can make arrangements with his mum, but he will be managing, catering to and hosting her himself. Then give it no more heads space. If she ends up on her own, so be it. You have more important things to do.

Why don't you stay at home on Xmas day, and have both parents pop in for an hour or two each on boxing day.

It's entirely up to you and expect alot depends on the type of person your MIL is.

After first baby, my MIL came to stay for a couple of days. I was dreading it but she was brilliant. She gave me reassurance, told DH off when he was being an idiot and was very supportive and positive.

Whereas my DM as completely the oppisite and very negative.

You have to do what rights for you, your wellbeing and the baby.

good luck.

Having a newborn shouldn’t prevent you from doing this and all the more so if OH pulls his weight.

Why should the op have to entertain dh's mother? Too fucking right having a newborn should prevent you from entertaining another fully functioning adult!

Why are so many women on this thread so determined that a woman's sole job is to prioritise the needs of others 24/7?

This exactly. He is welcome to go ahead and be on standby for whatever the plans end up being/host and entertain his mother/be 'selfless' if he doesn't like what the OP's saying.

It would be a no from me.

you might end up with an emergency c section like I did both times. I didn’t want any visitors for more than an hour or two from weeks 2-4. Before that it was only my mum really who helped with things like getting me fresh pads as I was bleeding so much and doing all our washing.

nah she will expect you to do a Christmas, duck that

Two months?! Bloody hell, you poor thing. How could your DH let her treat you like that for so long?

Well, you'd hope the twat would have attended some of the antenatal classes or at least tried to find out.

I would be livid at his stupidity and lack of consideration OP and not even having run past you the reply. I hope this is not generally representative.

I would put my foot down. MIL needs to go to his brother or sister this Christmas.

It’s instinctive to want little no socialising after just having a baby! Mothers protective instincts. Stay in your bedroom with your baby. Say you’re tired if you can’t get out of it? With just a quick show. Family should be respectful of your wishes.