Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

How about he thinks about where his mum is going to be in the very possible event that her DIL and DGS are still in hospital?

This is a very good point! I expect all those berating OP for being selfish will insist DH must leave his wife and newborn child in hospital alone on Xmas Day because his dear old mum is sitting at their house on her tod. Because clearly it's not right MIL is left on her own and her needs must come first, eh?

Exactly @Nanny0gg - this thread is really grinding my gears! So many posters falling over themselves to paint the op as hateful because they can't actually be bothered to read or comprehend the actual bloody situation!

Yes. Heaven forbid anyone - even her own husband - should extend some kindness to a torn, bleeding, very likely exhausted new mum.

Women are just receptacles for everyone else's needs. Let's subject them to the strongest possible censure if they dare for one moment to prioritise their own, especially at the time in their lives when they most need it.

OP, you're being eminently reasonable. Women are beyond weary of the above kind of rhetoric by now. We are not compelled to accept it.

You are being selfish. Both grans or neither is the only fair thing.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Why should OP's primary concern be what's "fair" to everyone else right now? She is allowed to prioritise her needs. She's the one who will be going through labour and birth, she's the one who will be dealing with any potential birth injuries and she is the one who will be breastfeeding round the clock. The grans are not the most important thing here, hence why OP hasn't even commited to seeing her own Mum on Christmas day.

No man would every be expected to put himself out for everyone else after undergoing major physical trauma, it's only women who are supposed to spend their lives swallowing their own discomfort in the name of "fairness".

Ignore all the women here who think they are entitled to insert themselves into another woman's very private, personal and potentially difficult postpartum time because their son helped create the baby 9months previously. Grandparents do not matter as much as you feeling safe and supported, whatever that looks like for you. And they are not entitled to anything.
YANBU, you cannot make plans without risking those plans going down the toilet because with your due date, you could very likely still be in hospital. Explain this to your MIL yourself, because despite what some pp are claiming, you ARE thinking of her too. And then have a word with your DH and prepare him for what's to come because it sounds like he hasn't a clue.

I always remember Kirsty Alley in the film look who’s talking saying how would he feel pushing something the size of a melon out of a whole the size of an orange. That’s what you need to tell dh.

then tell she he uninvites her immediately or you will simply go to your parents after the birth for at least two weeks and he can entertain her in his own

I agree.
Except for the word hubs. I hate it. Sorry.

Very odd that the mil hadn't made her usual plans. I would be very annoyed too. Who "crashes" the home of first time parents adjusting to a new way of life without being invited.

OP hasn’t said that would be the case but some replies have banged on about mothers of sons being treated unfairly and it was more a response to that.

They haven't. That's the point!

For god's sake!

Enough with the sharesies and the tit-for-tat

MiL might already have met the baby - no one has said she'll be excluded.

My kids always took it in turns with parents, however old the baby was.

NO ONE minded. Because we're normal people

YANBU at all!

your well-being and wishes are as important as everyone else’s if not more

you have your own worries giving birth for first time and you’re being called selfish?

this is nuts and your DH is a massive dick for lack of support

good luck with birth

But then that won't be your problem if shes on her own Xmas day.

It isn’t (well it probably is for some of the halfwits on here) but many, many posters will always take against an OP and lay into them, whatever the circumstances, just to make them feel better about their own shit lives.

I presume this to be the case as I can’t see why a happy and secure person would choose to be a cunt to people they don’t know on the internet.

The person who is desperate to be with the new baby!

It all depends on the personalities - yours, your DH’s and your MIL’s.

I’m guessing you feel you won’t be able to relax and play it by ear if MIL is with you because of the personalities involved.

I think your DH needs to phone her and tell her - that you may very well not be celebrating Christmas at all. There won’t be a big meal or celebration going on at all at your house and whether you go to your parents will be decide on the day, in that minute, with no commitment involved.

I quite like being on my own so it wouldn’t bother me if I was the MIL!

Esp as she has other options that she has rejected.

The argument that it’s ‘his baby too’, and that MIL is just as much a grandparent, would be perfectly reasonable some weeks or months after the birth. However, during pregnancy and birth and recovery and breastfeeding, it is invalid because it fails to take account of the significantly life-altering impact of pregnancy and childbirth on the mother. The combination of physical and emotional impact is not shared by the husband or the grandparents.

I think we should normalise asking new mothers what they want instead of loading social expectations onto them when they’re at their most vulnerable.

I think this is really unkind tbh. Remember that your MIL is family too. She’s your husband’s mother and your baby’s grandmother. Don’t start off this relationship by treating her like an inconvenience and an annoyance. It is selfish.
having said that of course your needs are the priority post partem and it’s understandable you don’t want to be hosting on Christmas Day. I think including her at the meal at your parents could be a nice compromise, but DH should have asked first as obviously this is up to your parents.

What the heck?😂

She is not remotely considering your own needs, @Kirstymwh. Nor, for that matter, is your husband. This is a realisation I'd be filing away for future reference.

It's your own and your baby's needs come first right now. Your husband's behaviour is unconscionable and he needs to reconsider his priorities. It's easy to blame the MiL for her lack of consideration, but she could not make such demands without his cooperation.

Get the 14th out of your head. The due date was made up by a man in the 1700s and is not accurate. Your baby will arrive later than that. By one week or two!

And that's just fucking rude. The mum and baby come first. Desperate people can wait til it's convenient (she isn't planning on excluding for weeks, just saying that there's a risk of MiL being alone if she plans to be with OP and family and them not being there).

Absolutely. YANBU OP.

I’m inclined to agree with YaWeeFurryBastard. I think it’s wrong to exclude your MIL whilst happy to spend time with your own family. Surely you can split the day and include everybody? Breakfast with your MIL, then dinner with your parents. Or an evening tea with MIL after being with your parents. You won’t be expected to do anything by anybody, as you say, you’ll have just given birth.

I gave birth at 2am on Christmas Eve and was lucky enough to be home hours later. Christmas Day was spent not lifting a finger at my MIL’s. I rested on the sofa and DS slept.

Your MIL is probably very excited about her grandchild. Why shouldn’t she be included at Christmas? Having a baby is such a wonderful time to share anyway, especially at Christmas.

why dont you ask her to come to your;s and cook the whole meal?
you are saying you are thinking of her although you dont want her there and neither does your dm

that way she gets to cook
you get to eat
problem solved.