Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

What about OP's wishes in all of this???? She's the one pushing the baby out of her!

This thread is reminding me of a friend of mine who is married to an Australian guy, and two of his cousins came to stay with them in their 2 bed one bathroom house when she was due with and then delivered their first baby. My friend was so laid back about it but I remember thinking "I would gut him like a fish for inviting them".

YANBU and obviously are preparing yourself post partum, is it your husband’s first baby? If so he has a shock coming, and I don’t normally like to say this, but for the first few weeks he won’t know what’s happened. My DH was similar, he never reads books, first few days at home he said he would like to read some books during his paternity leave, he tried and read about 2 pages! Gave up and realised he needed to wait on me. I’d stick to your guns if I were you, you don’t need this added stress in what should be the start of your little family. You’ve given the option of popping round Boxing Day which is more than enough.

You have a DH problem and I'm appalled that he had the audacity to call you selfish. It is YOU who will go through labour and birth and he has the cheek to call you selfish? What a prince! He is the one being bloody selfish. I suggest you nip this attitude of his in the bud fairly quickly because he needs to start putting his wife and mother of his first.

It would be totally inappropriate to have your MIL at your parents house since it will change the dynamic. Also to posters mentioning about how come you can see her on Boxing Day and not the day before - presumably the OP is stressing about Christmas Day because a lot of people have a big thing about not leaving people alone at Christmas but Boxing Day isn't a big deal. So that's why OP wants MIL to make other arrangements for Christmas (considering OP may just stay at home that day and not feel up to going to her parents).

Your MIL needs to see her other DC on Christmas Day.

How is the MIL a 'stranger' to them especially considering the OP's parents aren't together, they are divorced! It is not really out there to suggest the parents may help the OP by reassuring her that it doesn't really matter and the OP should stress about it. Surely, they should see that the other Grandma would want to be there.

Kind of think that if you are seeing your mum on xmas day then you need to make plans to see your MIL too even if its just an hour. It does all sound a bit unfair to me that you (and your new baby) see your parents on xmas but MIL won't get to see her son (and your new baby).

You could ofcourse just stay home alone you, DH and baby (just say not upto visitors yet).

Have you missed the part where OP DOESN'T EVEN IF SHE'LL BE HOME OR NOT?

That's the point of this whole situation - because she doesn't know exactly what she'll be doing, she can't make firm plans with ANYONE! Why is that so hard to understand?

What an absolutely ridiculous concept.

Ok for the MIL to ask, I suppose, but unbelievably rude for the DH to tell her it was ok without asking the OP and more particularly his parents!

You should be making absolutely no plans apart from having food in the house yourself. If it all works out you could pop somewhere or someone could come to you for a quick cuppa, but there’s no way this can be arranged in advance.

You could have the baby early, late or you and baby could end up in hospital over Xmas for all you know. You might not even be able to sit upright let alone go on a car journey. Take the pressure off and decline everything.

You don't want to see her so just ring her and say that.

MIL could make plans to go to OPs house and still be sitting on her own on Christmas Day if the delivery date is delayed, there are complications etc. Which comes across very clear in the OPs post that is what she is worried about, alongside her own physical and mental well-being.

The idea of any date around Christmas has to cut when you CANNOT plan anything due to an impending birth that could alter and disrupt the plans.

Nobody is being kind the the woman who’s about to give birth and has no idea what kind of recovery or difficulty she’ll be having with that. They are planning themselves around her with zero consideration of what’s fair to her and calling her selfish when she’s quite rightly pointed out that she has zero idea what may be going on that day because she will be postpartum and shouldn’t have people putting this shit on her, Christmas or not
.

I'm a boy mum and I'm also very close to my owl mum.
I certainly have no plans to be equal to any future daughter in law's mother when she's just given birth. It's an entirely unreasonable expectation.
All this "be kind" and "be loving" is bullshit.
How about the babys father is "kind" and "loving" to the woman who is about to birth his child?
How about he thinks about where his mum is going to be in the very possible event that her DIL and DGS are still in hospital?
Is she going to expect her DS to ditch his own family to be with her, when she has other children she could make firm plans with?
That would make MIL as much of a twat as the DH to be honest.
So why would OP be placing these clowns ahead of her own wellbeing if they blatantly don't give a shit about her?

Exactly. Plus your own mum is obviously different from a woman you met for the first time as an adult and may or may not know or get along with.

MN likes to pretend it's some outrage of "unfairness" for a woman in labour/just been through labour not to treat her boyfriend or husband's mother the exact same way she treats her own mother, but that's sheer misogyny and selfishness, and a culture that regards mothers as nothing more than walking uteruses and not people with needs in their own right.

Labour is a very vulnerable time for a woman, and she has the right to need supportive people around who will take care of her. Not all mums are maternal and nurturing, but most mums want to take care of their daughters when they're in such a vulnerable state and look after them. This is someone who wiped your arse when you were a baby and put plasters on your knee when you fell down! Yet on MN there's this idea that being more comfortable with your own mummy seeing you naked and bleeding, or topless and breastfeeding, than a woman you're not related to and maybe barely even know, makes you a terrible unfair person. That's clearly not reality.

The MIL has a lifetime to get to know the new baby, and the baby might come early or late. There's nothing to indicate the OP is some mean horrible person just because she doesn't want to be running around hosting someone when she's immediately post-partum and actively bleeding and trying to establish breastfeeding.

Women are human beings, you know, not just Handmaid's Tale-esque grandchild-delivery-systems.

Anyone who has had a child should know that inviting yourself to stay for Christmas with someone who will have just given birth is totally unreasonable. Your Mil should not have asked and your dh should not have said yes. You should have the support of everyone close to you, especially your husband, to make whatever arrangements suit YOU best. Hosting in any shape or form should be off the menu and you do not need extra stress at this late stage in your first pregnancy.
A loose arrangement to possibly visit your family sounds fine and you are right to suggest Mil needs to make other plans.
It is not about favouring one family over another - it is doing the best thing for you and your new baby.

I’m MIL age or even older. It wouldn’t kill me to spend Christmas Day on my own. I wouldn’t expect someone who might be feeling ill to cook me a meal and have me there all day. I would be a bit upset though if I wasn’t asked over to meet the baby at all over weeks and the other Gran was seeing him all the time.

Too busy twisting it to beat the OP with the guilt stick.

Because reading comprehension is pretty poor on MN.

She has two other children and she needs to have FIRM plans with them

She wants to see you because she wants to be with her new grandchild. However as you don't know when you'll have given birth, how you'll feel or what will be going on that does not work!

And I am sick to death of men who will not be going through ANY of the physical changes that the mother goes through, thinking they have a say without any prior discussion.

If he carries on, he can see his mother and your family can come and pick you up (not entirely joking)

Fool

First baby I had guests the next day. 2nd baby I didn’t want to see anyone at all for 2 weeks, I just needed to recover physically and make sure my mental health was up to it. You will not know until you get to Xmas whether you’ll want to see anyone or not.

But the person who posted this is not a MIL - her children are 12 and younger.

Where has anyone said that that will be the case?

EXACTLY!!! thank you for this you hit the nail on the head. Part of it is about my own wellbeing but a big part of it is also that because we have no idea whether I will or won't have given birth or what state I will be in it is just not possible to make any firm plans with anyone, and I wouldn't want MIL to then be left on her own on Xmas day because she tried to plan to see us and it wasn't possible.

This 100%.

As a MIL to two DIL’s, I think your MIL is the selfish one here.

What was she thinking inviting herself over when she’s got other perfectly lovely Christmas options?

She’s had babies herself so knows full well how exhausting it can be establishing feeding and sleeping routines with a new baby, although she’s obviously long forgotten about it.

I suspect she’s jealous of your mum. The fact is a DIL will always want their mum with them shortly after birth. A MIL has to accept they come second to the maternal parents in most families.

Sorry, but your DH is a prize wanker. You need to tell your DH in no uncertain terms that MIL can visit at a later date when your body has got over the initial shock of giving birth. Hopefully, he’ll redeem himself a little bit by doing all the cooking and cleaning over the Christmas period.

I totally get it and I’d feel the same. You just don’t know how you’ll be and how the baby will be. It’s an enormous thing having your first baby and I remember feeling really vulnerable those first few days. I’d cry really easily. The baby might be a sleepy angel or a collicky mess and everything inbetween. Regardless of what kind of birth you have, your body will have gone through an enormous upheaval. You might bounce back in hours or you might need to heal for weeks.

Your baby comes first. And therefore you come first. If you say no, that’s too much, it’s too much. Your DH needs to step up here and be clear with his mum.