Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

She doesn’t live locally, that’s the point. She can’t just pop in! It will be a day of hosting to make her journey worthwhile.

In terms of fairness, I’m now feeling very hard done by as DS sees his future in-laws far more frequently than he sees me. I mean, it doesn’t matter that they live in the same town and I’m about 400 miles away!

OP's sister probably won't be in the country for long and who knows when the next time she might visit? If baby arrives before Christmas and OP and baby are home from hospital, then OP should visit her parents (who live locally) and receive the support she may need.

I told my MIL that I didn't want her to visit us in hospital after the birth. I didn't care if MIL felt 'left out.' I was mentally and physically wrecked after giving birth and bleeding heavily from my vagina and could barely walk. I just wanted my DP and my parents to visit me.

The in laws can wait a few days to get their newborn cuddles. At least OP's parents and sister care about OP's health and they're not just desperate for newborn cuddles.

True. Hopefully when it’s talked about she will realise. 🤞

Could you ring your MIL & speak to her?
I know it would be uncomfortable but coming from you might be better… or could you speak to your sister in law and get her to get her mum to see some sense and explain that things might not work out and she would be on her own at your parents.
I think she sounds like she’s so wrapped
up in seeing the new baby that she’s not thinking straight.
I feel for you OP… I love my MIL and she’s a WONDERFUL grandma but I was dragged across to the in laws house for a meal and to show the baby off to other random family
members with my newborn and I spent most of the visit in their spare room trying to get my newborn to latch on and breastfeed while I sobbed. DH is amazing and supportive but he felt pressurised by his parents. I didn’t make the same mistake next time round!
Speak to DH.
The newborn days are so up and down.
Really feel for you xx

@YaWeeFurryBastard That's fine if you're happy for your husband to put his mother's feelings and wishes before his wife who has recently given birth but why should the op?

The op isn't excluding her mil because she has stated they may not even be going to her parents on xmas day and if they don't go then the op has to host mil, is it fair that mil might end up spending xmas day with the op and her parents don't?

Also the op will have possibly just given birth, she has no clue how she will feel, it may be an easy labour and feel ok or she could have complications and feel crap and just want to rest and stay in her pyjamas I would be horrified if my DP family couldn't give me some privacy to rest and recover for a few days after giving birth and my DP didn't tell them to wait until I feel better, its not like the op is going in hospital for a minor operation she's about to give birth and her parents sound practical by offering to host op and her husband for xmas because then they don't have to prepare a xmas dinner and tidy away they can focus on their new baby if op has given birth and then go home when they want.

It baffles me that in laws think their needs and wants to see a newborn baby come before the poor baby's mother who has gone through a massive medical procedure, had a big change to their life and dealing with the recovery and raging hormones that go with it then wonder why their dil keeps them at arms length and distances themselves.

My sister's sil was a right cow when my sister gave birth, my sister lives 6 hours away where bil is from, the sil made herself busy giving me and my family who she had never met updates (I was speaking to my sister myself), she then announced my nephew's birth on social media before my bil could tell our family, then when my nephew became seriously ill and needed an operation at a few weeks old the sil was nowhere to be seen. When my nephew came out of hospital my mum stayed a few days but had to come home due to work so I took time off and stayed with my sister to help her, I did some housework, washing and told my sister if she wanted a rest for a few hours I didn't mind looking after my nephew but no pressure if she didn't want that, I ended up doing early morning feeds so my sister could sleep. The sil kicked off big time accused my sister of playing favourites and pushing her out! My poor sister then had to stop me going round her sil's house to read the nasty cow the riot act, she hadn't offered my sister any support or help she just wanted to show off with my nephew and didn't want me and my family around. The only reason I never told her about her entitled behaviour was because my sister begged me not to and needed my support more than a family fall out. But I've never forgotten what a selfish cow she was to my sister when she was at her most vulnerable but my spinless bil did eventually tell her to back off and pointed out she lives 10 mins away and me and my family live 6 hours, once the novelty wore off she barely made the effort to see my sisters kids.

After seeing this behaviour from my sisters in laws I'm now firmly of the opinion that a woman giving birth calls the shots and her needs come first before demanding relatives with no boundaries including their hurt feelings because their expectations aren't gonna be met.

Christ @WickedWitchOfTheEast87 what a horrible situation!

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 your sister is very lucky to have you and your support

I want to thank about 1/4 of you for making me SO grateful for my MIL. And I mean that. The ILs live abroad and have been nothing but pragmatic about the fact i’m due a few days before Xmas, meaning we have asked them to move their visit later, as well as therefore see their current only grandchild well after Xmas. I’m honestly dumbfounded by some of the responses here. My MIL’s response was Xmas is whenever and wherever we want it to be as long as we’re together. It never occurred to me how many people would refuse to even try and take this viewpoint.

Also, FLTOFG, please read the thread properly before judging OP.

Equality is a brilliant point. If a man has surgery, or goes through a physically traumatic event, which is life changing and has a massive emotional response and needs time to recover. As long as he would only let his mother be involved if his MIL or likewise father and FIL were equally thought of and not him in the slightest, then your point stands.
The Boxing Day offer is perfectly reasonable. Wanting the whole day with new parents, isn't. It doubly isn't when you have three children and you are forcing yourself on the one whose partner needs space to rest and recover and you only have to wait 24 hours to see them.
OP speak to your MIL. However there's many women on here who has been promised a flying visit and the family in law has stayed all day.

@Kirstymwh You’re not being unreasonable at all! Everything you’ve said makes perfect sense - stick to your guns - your DH is being a twat & your MIL is being selfish.

I actually have seen people on here before claim that in circumstances like this the family that live nearby should only be allowed to visit as often as the family further away because fairness. Some adults are batshit.

Let’s rewrite the thread…

I am going into hospital just before Christmas. I’m not quite sure when. It’s a fairly straight forward procedure with a few days recovery time, but they have said that a couple of complications could occur. I might need a few days recovery or a few weeks. They said that I might be quite emotional and vulnerable straight afterwards. Lots of people are apparently. Lots of people report feeling quite overwhelmed. There is no way of knowing how I will be.

My DM is having my sister from overseas visiting. We haven’t seen her for a long time and I’m keen to see her but I’m not sure I’ll be recovered. My mum has kindly said for me to come over if I feel up to it. So I’ve left it with her that me and DH might go but might not. They are all fine with that.

My MIL asked DH if she can come to us at Christmas. DH said yes!! The trouble is I certainly don’t want to host. I am pretty sure I won’t feel up to it after my hospital procedure. I might even be in hospital having it or recovering from it. We just don’t know. If MIL comes to us, I’m worried that she might end up on her own at my mums if I’m not up to going. Or if I’m in hospital. She has other offers with her other children.

My mum might be ok with MIL being there, but to be honest, she just wants a cosy day catching up with my sister who she hardly ever sees and she doesn’t know MIL well. They are very different. It would be weird for MIL to be there without us right? DH didn’t check with my mum.

So AIBU to ask DH to explain all this to his mum and that we will see her Boxing Day if I’m up to it, that way if I’m not up to it I’ve not ruined her Christmas Day.

IS THAT UNFAIR TO MIL?

The presence (or pending presence) of a baby doesn’t change any of the above.

What?!!

So my more local family should only see us as often as family in Oz? 😂😂😂

Completely agree! Don't understand what's the difference and also with breastfeeding and bleeding... like the next day would be any better.

Yes. My MIL would be like that too. My mum would sulk though 🙄

Well done @Smileycup I really struggle to understand how people can honestly think op is unreasonable

Presumably yes. And if the local family see them out and about I assume that they have to ignore them because it wouldn't be fair to have an extra impromptu catch up.

Also, I remember in-laws would disappear every time I breast fed. Out of respect but I’d end up on my own for big chunks of time when they were all together having fun. Stick to your guns OP if you can.

😂

Weeeeellll. 🤔 May be this could work in my favour then! Sorry DM that lives up the road but drives me nuts, I can only see you once a year. To be fair to the others. Thems the rules. 🤷‍♀️

@Smileycup indeed

There’s an old Yorkshire saying;

’There’s nowt so queer as folk’

Obviously the meaning of ‘queer’ is different these days - but the saying stands. We are all bonkers in our own unique ways 😂

When my eldest was born my (now ex) MIL came over and expected to be bloody waited on hand and foot while she chatted to my then H - who both just sat there and let me cook pizza and make tea while they relaxed - and this is after a c section.

I'd like to hope that this whole situation is just dh overstepping and that MIL realises what a rubbish idea this is. And hopefully dh will think twice in future before offering up somebody else's hospitality!

No wonder you cherish your Christmas as it is now then!!

Yes. It’s an adjustment for everyone when a new baby comes along and the first in a generation often creates waves. Hopefully it was just them not really thinking it through. Benefit of the doubt.

I've never heard that about height and pregnancy duration? I'm 4'8 and went to 40+3 with both my kids

@CandyLeBonBon believe it or not that was the edited version there's more that the sil did but I can't say as its too outing. I was f**king fuming when my sister told me everything about her behaviour during and after her giving birth but that phone call accusing my sister of playing favourites and pushing her out tipped me over the edge when she did nothing to support my sister but caused her a lot of stress and upset and my sister had a long labour with a bad post birth injury and her stitches got infected thankfully not a major one but thats not the point the sil should've known better than me she was in her 30s with kids herself and she had serious complications in one of her labours you'd think she would understand and empathise. It was seeing how upset my sister was at me going mad that stopped me going round to the sil's house and telling her some home truths and what I thought about her and her behaviour.

The sil is a crafty one as well she acts like butter wouldn't melt when we do meet because she knows I won't think twice about telling her, she interfered and made a patronising comment to my sister on social media and I replied more or less saying to mind her own business.

@NovemberBlues Aww thank you but I'm definitely no saint, me and my sister bicker a lot because we're so different in personality and temperament but we do support each other when we're needed, I really wanted to bury my fist in the sil's mouth and I'm glad I didn't go round her house because my sister would have been the one to suffer the consequences once I went home but my god the entitled behaviour was shocking when my sister had her second baby she told my bil that he wasn't tell his sister a thing not even when the baby was born until she said so, I can imagine the sil was fuming if she found out my sister told our family first before her she's really jealous and made comments to me and my family that she would get to see my nephew first as we live so far away.