Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Her mum wants time with the daughter who lives abroad. It’s fine for her to just want immediate family and not host someone she doesn’t know well.

Presumably the daughter is back from overseas for a while? Not just Christmas day

Presumably Christmas day isn't the only day she will see the DD from abroad?

I think it's best to not arrange to see either side. Let both grandmothers make their own arrangements, have a quiet Christmas day at home just you two / three. Then nobody feels left out / favoured. Arrange nice things once your baby is here.

@Zonder
FFS RTFT

She hasn't made any firm arrangements with ANYONE because she doesn't know what she'll be doing

Her DH is the twat for inviting his mum to OP's parents house without asking and not knowing if they will even be there

Again, why does the potentially postpartum OP have to miss out on the support of her family because MIL might feel left out? Shouldn't MIL be expected to behave like a grown up?

Yes OP. Don’t go to lunch at your mums (even if you feel up to it) just in case your MIL (who lives a long way away and has other children she could spend Christmas with) is hurt about seeing you on Boxing Day instead. Miss out on that lunch just in case. You wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings now would you. That’s so much more important than your needs at such an important time in your life.

Or we can assume that the MIL is a competent and capable fully grown woman who will smile at the idiocy of her son making assumptions that it’s fine to invite her to someone else’s house for lunch, on Christmas Day, that he himself might not even get to, and understand fully the needs of a heavily pregnant/in the midst of birth/postpartum mum, who needs to not make any firm plans and not feel at all hurt or left out. Because she is an adult.

No, you're completely wrong about that.

Mumsnet is very very aggressively pro-MIL, MILs can do no wrong here and are treated like Gods whose every word must be obeyed.

Mothers are regarded as nothing more than walking uteruses who exist solely to give MILs grandbabies and serve their every whim (and babies are regarded as nothing more than toys for MILs to play with, not people with their own needs).

On Mumsnet, you aren't allowed to want/need your own mum who raised you from birth over a stranger, even if you're in active labour, bleeding, nearly died etc. because it's "'SNOT FAIR!!!" Apparently women's bodies exist solely to be fair to others.

Women aren't allowed to voice the slightest criticism of MILs regardless of how badly the MIL has behaved, or they get 30 pages telling them they're mean, "obviously just don't like her", being "unfair", threatened with "one day your son will get married and your DIL might prefer her own mum!!!" like that's some kind of threat and not just normal behaviour.

@Zonder you read the part where dh invited his mother to OP's mum's Christmas Day lunch WITHOUT ASKING HER FIRST?

In what universe is it ok for people to offer up someone else's hospitality?

It's grossly entitled - and OP's mum is perfectly entitled to have the Christmas SHE wants without guests SHE hasn't even invited.

I have read all the OPs posts thank you.

Op said early on she just wants to go to her mum's where she will feel happy to BF and slouch. Because that's her family. Once you're married with kids you have to treat both families the same (unless there's a strong back story).

👏

What's that to do with my post? I'm suggesting OP has a day at home with her DH and potentially new born.

She may well do that if it's what she wants to do,or she might want to spend a few hours with her family.

No. You don’t HAVE to treat both families the same. You do what is sensible and best for the children. In this case what is best for the baby is to have a mum that isn’t under pressure to ‘do what’s fair’.

She MAY go to her parents for lunch. She may not. It’s all up in the air. She needs to do what feels ok on the day and this is all up in the air.

If she had a planned surgery just before Xmas and was saying she didn’t want visitors on Xmas day but may pop to her mums for lunch if she feels well enough would you be banging on about what fair to the MIL? What’s equal?

The presence of a baby does not mean the mothers needs disappear and should mean quite the opposite!

No, you don't. You absolutely don't. This is misogynistic bullshit.

Women who are in active labour/immediately postpartum don't "HAVE TO" do a damn thing other than prioritise their own health and the health of their newborn, and the bonding process.

It's very very normal and healthy for women in labour/with newborns to need and want their own mums, over a woman they're not related to and possibly barely know.

Yes obviously both sets of grandparents need to be given equal access to develop a relationship with the child but that's once the child is older. The idea that women are entitled to bully their way into forcing a labouring woman into hosting/feeding them "because of fairness" is just a massive entitlement complex.

The baby might not even be born by then, so it's nothing to do with the baby or visiting the baby, it's a heavily pregnant woman not wanting to be forced to agree to host a big family event/cook a big Christmas dinner when she doesn't know if she'll be very heavily overdue in her pregnancy, in active labour, or postpartum. Only on Mumsnet is a 9 months pregnant woman not wanting to slave over a stove considered selfish.

Once you're married with kids you have to treat both families the same (unless there's a strong back story).

And op IS being fair. She is not excluding her MIL. She is apportioning her time based on her potential situation, energy levels and physical state. MIL's needs do not trump the pregnant woman's.

This whole conversation reminds me of the story of the judgment of Solomon, who ruled between two women who both claimed to be the mother of a child. Solomon ordered the baby be cut in half, with each woman to receive one half. The first woman accepted the compromise as fair, but the second begged Solomon to give the baby to her rival, preferring the baby to live, even without her. Solomon ordered the baby given to the second woman, as her love was selfless, as opposed to the first woman's selfish disregard for the baby's actual well-being.

Sometimes being fair doesn't mean everything has to be literally split down the middle and some common sense has to take precedence.

Once you're married with kids you have to treat both families the same (unless there's a strong back story).

It is impossible to ‘treat both families the same’, unless both families live very close and both sets of grandparents are as receptive to a relationship. It’s important to foster a relationship with all grandparents of possible, but it doesn’t mean with will always be absolutely equal.

This is currently completely irrelevant to the op, who has not yet had a baby and when she does, making sure grandparent relationships are balanced doesn’t start when the labour contractions do, as may well be the case for the op.

This thread has really riled me, as i’m going to be giving birth in December too and can empathise with how OP is feeling.

Just NO. Absolutely no. OP is not responsible for other people’s Christmas day jaunts this year - No firm plans are made, it’s all play it by ear. She has no idea what the situation will be and how she’ll be feeling.

I have a son - if I was the MIL in this situation i’d be making different arrangements and not putting a single ounce of pressure on this new little family unit. It’s incredibly selfish to do so. Likewise as the mother of soon to be 2 girls, i’d fully expect them to do what was best for them, given they’d just given birth - and not give me and my wants a second thought.

I usually host Christmas. I have inlaws for breakfast (5 of them, including a 6 year old) Then have my mum and sister for lunch if they’re not working. We see extended family in the run up or on Boxing day. This year it’s a firm NO for double hosting duties, as DC3 will be a couple or weeks old and i’ll be recovering from a C section and tubal litigation.

I don't understand why she would go to your parents house and not her own son or daughter

When my baby was under a week old, i was all over the place. Breastfeeding hell, baby blues, no sleep

I think those posters who are talking about it being ‘fair’ or ‘equal’ and about ‘poor MIL’ are doing the MIL a massive disservice. She is an adult and has her own children. When the situation is explained to her she most likely will say ‘oh of course’ and not be at all hurt or left out. At the moment she has casually asked if she can come for Xmas and her son has said ‘of course’ without thinking it through. Once he has explained it, most adults would fully understand.

Good luck @VillageFete - hope everything goes smoothly

Hmmm, maybe, but otoh she presumably knows that the due date is 14th December and that the baby could easily be born on Christmas Day. That should be enough for any sensible person, particularly one who knows how giving birth works, to see what an impractical idea the visit is.

@Kirstymwh of course you're not being unreasonable and your husband is an arse for not telling her no or even discussing it with you first!

Op I think your mil is sneakily trying to push her way into your labour/birth or if you have given birth she's trying to ensure she spends the first xmas with your baby. That isn't your problem but the fact she asked your husband rather than you makes me think she knew you'd say no.

Quite frankly op if it was me I'd be telling DH that as you're the one giving birth and will be recovering your needs and wishes come before mil and no she can't spend xmas day at yours she can make other plans. Ask your dh if he had just had a vasectomy would he mind if your mum came round right after for the whole day whilst he's in pain and recovering you can guarantee he wouldn't want her there.

I doubt MIL is wanting to be there for the birth. More likely she's banking on the baby having been born already and wants to spend the day having cuddles. There's a higher than 50% chance she's right, but there's also a realistic one that it'll be in the process of emerging on the day or OP and baby will still be in hospital.

Boxing Day just isn’t the big deal that Christmas is. So if MIL has to cancel at the last minute, it won’t matter if she has no one else to go to that day. You can make it festive if you want, or treat it as a normal day, going to the sales or whatever!

24 hours on, I'm still genuinely trying to understand what the people saying Christmas day has to be fair ,so she should either see both or neither set of parents, even if no one needs to be alone as they have other invitations, mean logically. I'm not being goady, I genuinely want them to explain how that works in their families in real life.

With us we have an every other year approach to seeing parents at Xmas, but it's flexible if that doesn't work for some reason eg we broke the pattern the year I gave birth on 22nd December (meaning shock horror we'd seen my parents at Xmas day 2 years running) and twice we have had both parents to ours because neither was seeing anyone else that year because both sisters needed to see in laws. That's always seemed realistic and as fair as possible and we've all enjoyed it.

On your basis, every year we should have invited both or neither, but then if both came our siblings and partners would also be unfairly only seeing one side of their family, so do we need to invite them and their in laws too? What about their in laws' other children? Or we've invited mil and I know my sister is going to my parents, but to be fair we have to either invite my parents and sister to mine too or insist my parents invite us and MIL to their house, because otherwise it's not fair only mil saw the kids on Xmas day itself? Where does it end? How big does my house need to be if I ever want to invite anyone?

Do the same rules of social engagement apply the rest of the year too?

I used to wonder why so many people are keen to have Xmas day just their little family every year when surely you can do that every day, but this thread had made the penny drop! It's because they can't ever see anyone unless they want to see EVERYONE and that would be too much. How sad. You must end up less close to family generally if you have to tread on such eggshells all the time in case anyone starts crying it's unfair.

Having had a Christmas baby of my own, I'm very glad of my lovely sane mil and DH today!