Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

That isn't the case for everyone.

My parents met my inlaws on the eve of my wedding. It didn't go particularly well.

They were absolutely not extended family to each other

Her mother HAS made other plans!! Did you not read any of this thread?

The OP may or may not go to her mother's. But if she does, at least she'll see her sister who lives abroad and might also like to meet the baby

There isn't and I think it's a huge oversight

@Nanny0gg

You're welcome! 😉

If all goes well you're out the door after a couple of hours.

It's not bloody unfair!

Things in families aren't always equal!
(Geography, age, fitness, likeability etc)

It's not the playground and people need to stop being so childish about it

(and frankly, if her DH is that bothered about seeing his family he can bloody go to theirs for Christmas!)

Mine aren't. I'm not to them

My inlaws weren't to my parents or vice versa,

My kids married someone. I didn't get to join forces with their families

Well, quite. We're not 15th century nobility of the Holy Roman Empire, England, Spain and France.

My parents are 65 and 75, and they came for a self-imposed one hour only three days after my son was born, after driving 200 miles to do so.

My husband actually really values their good boundaries. He deliberately refused to move to the ILs side of town because his mum would be all over us, and we're moving near my parents because they can be relied on not to intrude. Makes it far easier to enjoy their company.

But surely there is too much up the air to make plans for boxing day also? If she chooses to come to yours xmas day and your in hospital thats the risk she takes but unless your in Labour your dh won’t be in all day with you either so could be at home with his mum.i i think your pissed because you planned to spend it with your family realistically. But I had ny kids 20 years ago and there was none of this no one can visit thing , people came round, generally they helped though and were considerate so you never minded

we want equality except when it suits it seems on here.
mumsnet is a very anti MIL thread when it comes to women and there husbands mum but men are expected to accept their wifes mothers much more so and that they should be involved more as though that is a given.

I can't believe your husband has the gall to call you "selfish" when childbirth is life-risking and one of the most painful things a human can experience.

He should be supporting you in whatever you need to physically recover and learn to breastfeed. Not forcing you to entertain visitors.

Are you serious?

I do wonder sometimes why people post on AIBU when they have no intention of listening to or acknowledging anyone else’s opinions

I do wonder why sometimes people post on AIBU when they have no intention of listing to MY opinions.

Fixed it for you.

If she lives locally why not suggest Boxing Day if you are feeling up to it and just say you can't host Christmas Day as you don't know how you will feel and you may or may not go to your parents? It is only fair that you see her at least one of the days even for just a few hours. Just stress she is welcome to pop in for a cup of tea but you won't be laying on a meal etc.

Shes talking about being potentially overdue & having a very newborn on the day so im assuming she's definitely due before hand ??

First line of the thread;

I'm due to give birth on 14th December.

However she then goes on to list reasons why she may go longer term and that 41 weeks is very close to Xmas. Basically it’s all unknown - When she’ll give birth and how she will feel so she doesn’t want to make firm plans. She doesn’t want MIL left in the lurch. She is making no firm plans with anyone.

I wonder why people who post on AIBU can't RTFT or at the very least OP's posts

Have you actually read the full thread with ALL the details, or are you just responding to the thread title, and what you THINK it means?

Dis you even bother to read my original post? That's exactly what I suggested

I actually think many of us realise that the concept of "equality" is not always a simple one when it comes to many things.

Can you just explain to your DH that you're not being selfish, but are worried that his mum will end up alone on Christmas Day as you could be in the hospital in labour on the day? And if he won't explain this to his mum, can you?

@Kirstymwh you have got people's backs up by saying your own dm doesnt want your mil there i think,
you have obviously upset your dh unnecessarily as well.

But the OP can't control whether her own mother would welcome MIL all not. People are different when it comes to guests.