Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Anyway @Ibizafun I'm not about to derail any further so take your petty insults elsewhere

Okay I'm absolutely howling at the prospect of popping off few hours of fun.

That was not my experience of being nearly 2 weeks passed my due date, nor my first 2 weeks with my first born.

Having a baby your first such a crazy huge adjustment regardless of all the logistical issues with whether you'll even be at home or in hospital.

Also when having just had a baby it's best to kinda be topless or open shirted for easy access for feeding and skin to skin. The bottom half is just bleeding like nothing you've ever known. You need maternity pads aplenty and probably
puppy ones too Your hormones are going mental and you're awake round the clock feeding every 3 hours minimum. This is all off the back of actually giving birth.

Now don't get me wrong, it's totally brilliant and I remember it so fondly but it is not a time for unwanted guests. Just no.

Apart from stating that your children's inlaws won't even be a part of your family!! Oh for goodness sake you may have nothing better to do on a Saturday night but I haven't got the energy or inclination

@Ibizafun how is that insulting YOu? You're the one who made it personal.

I don't really consider that in laws have to consider themselves family. If you do, good for you! I don't. But I haven't once insulted you.

She has at least two other options. Have you not read the OPs posts?

Rude!

The OP IS thinking of MIL by not wanting to make plans that she can guarantee. Read what she had actually written. She MIGHT take her mum up on the offer of lunch IF SHE FEELS UP TO IT but is not having ANY GUESTS to the house because SHE MIGHT BE ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH/BE GIVING BIRTH/JUST GIVEN BIRTH!

I find this thread so utterly frustrating. There are so many posters who haven't even read OP's posts and spouting a load of shit about her not being fair to MIL.

This is about OP's dickhead DH inviting his mum to OP's parents' house without their permission.

MIL has already been invited by other of her DC for Christmas and she has stupidly declined

OP has repeatedly stated she doesn't want to make any firm plans with ANY family members as she doesn't know what state she'll be in.

If you want to read and comment on what OP has actually written, go to the original message and click on 'see all'

👏 Love a diagram.

Something in the air tonight I think.

Or may be we are all wrong and OP should invite everyone to hers. I mean if she’s still pregnant they can use her bump as an extra side table. If she’s giving birth she can pack up the food and they can have a floor picnic at the hospital and if there is a new baby they can play eye spy. B - Breast! Blood! Baby! I mean I’m not sure what the OP is fussing about really. And quite frankly I’m feeling like I’m missing out as she hasn’t bloody invited me!

Because her parents are offering to host, and this would be her hosting the mil. And that's only a loose plan, whereas if youd read the post that you are commenting on, her partner has agreed that the mil can come, which is a set plan.

Just invite yourself @Smileycup I'm sure op won't mind! 😂

OP has already said in the OP, and again in at least two later posts, that she has suggested to her DH that MIL comes on Boxing Day, assuming the baby is here and they are out of hospital.

Why do people have to plan the f... out of everything in life, it drives me spare

Good point.

OP. I’m coming to yours for Christmas. Don’t be selfish and say no now!!

Do you not plan Christmas? If not please advise me how I can also avoid it.

Roflmao find herself in her mil shoes? Shes not fallen on hard times. Shes put herself in these shoes! By turning down perfectly good invites from other children and has invited herself round to op and OP's parents! Trying to shame someone who is prioritising her pregnancy and early mothering days is cringe.

Yes smileycup, it's easy, I plan for my own needs, no every other persons, it's just 1 day, doesn't warrant the amount of fuss some people give it, 364 other days to be an annoying house guest

That would be an interesting Christmas at me house. ‘Sorry, Santa didn’t bring you gifts because he was focusing on mummy’s needs. So you all get to sit around and watch me drink Chardonnay and binge watch Lucifer all day’.

God it sounds lovely. I don’t want to detail the thread but do you have kids? I don’t think you can do no planning when you do. One year when I was younger and single I didn’t travel back for Xmas and it was bliss. Just me and a quiet clean flat. Friend round for drinks and nibbles and a walk but otherwise just me. Also, the OP is about to have a baby. Which does require a certain level of planning to be fair. I think most people do plan for Xmas.

😂

So you all get to sit around and watch me drink Chardonnay and binge watch Lucifer all day’.

I'm bloody trying that this year!

To be fair I'm very lucky in the fact that my family is almost non existent (most of them dead now) apart from my mum who I haven't spent Christmas with for over 25 years, because her husband wants to be on their own, so it's just me and my teen/adult dc and we get to chill and eat nice food and watch tv and reconnect after a busy year and we don't have to stress about having to duty visit loads of relatives we barely know!

I’ve changed my mind. I’m coming to yours CandyLeBonBon. Don’t be selfish and refuse me!

I love it @Smileycup - my lot are great company and it's brilliant just being cosied up scoffing the celebrations knowing we don't have to rush around!

Sounds lovely! 😊

I had ds 4 weeks before Xmas and knew I was having a section which meant car journeys etc would be uncomfortable. We did Xmas day at home and called round for a very quick visit with dhs family that evening and then my family came to us on boxing day because they live far away and it was easier to host (everyone just brought something and it was very relaxed) than for us to try and travel with a tiny baby. It was all very play by ear and we didn't commit to anything regarding Xmas day. Truthfully I was glad I got to see them all but I spent almost the entire time we were visiting dh family in a bedroom upstairs breastfeeding as ds was cluster feeding and his older male relatives made it clear they'd be super uncomfortable around me feeding so I felt quite isolated.

I think your dh needs to really consider his expectations here, Xmas is a hard one because you want noone left out and everyone has traditions etc, but you need to do things a little differently for this one year to suit yourselves. I'd sit down with your dh again and talk to him calmly about what he thinks it's going to be like when baby arrives. With the lack of sleep, the possibility of colic, cluster feeding and trying to get bf established if that's how you choose to feed (we had to be told by the midwives to stop having visitors as it was giving us trouble with feeding and ds wasn't gaining weight), your physical and mental recovery and how vulnerable, down, sore etc you might feel.

I can understand your mil being excited and wanting to spend Xmas with her new grandchild and probably thinking she'll be an extra set of hands, but your dh main job in those early weeks is to guard your door and do what he's asked and try to keep your home ticking over without being asked so you don't need to think about it. So he needs to say, actually mum we really don't know what way OP will be feeling after the birth and we're going to play it by ear as to whether we're up to seeing anyone. Make your own plans and we'll fit in with them if we're able but we can't commit to anything right now for obvious reasons.

My dh was really worried about upsetting his parents with stuff like this, but the thing is that realistically I think they'd have understood if he'd just been honest and it would have been less tense between us.

Why?

seriously, why?

how do you do visits and holidays with two families?