Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Why should op’s mum have to have an extra guest they don’t really know that well, intruding on their first Christmas in 3 years with daughter who lives abroad?!

Just so she can potentially see a grandchild she could see the day after? She may not even see the child at all, because they may not have even been born, or op may not be up to going anywhere. But op’s mum will still have to host op’s mil, awkwardly, regardless.

Great plan.

ETA - I’m sure op will be capable of putting the needs of the new mother and baby first, rather than her own selfish need to see a baby a day earlier than she’d like. Even if, god forbid, it means her son’s in laws get to see the baby on Christmas Day when op doesn’t.

Tell you what, why doesn't the op suggest that MIL can come to YOURS for Christmas? What's the worst that can happen? Youve just got an extra person for the day? Start talking now and you'll be perfectly well acquainted by the time Christmas comes round!

😆😆

CanyLeBonBon because op's MIL isn't in my family? I'm a hospitable family person and wouldn't leave out an extended member of my family with nowhere else to go! Dreadful thought that is..

When my son has a child I will not put myself in that situation. Especially as the MIL has two other children she can spend Christmas with.

It is completely unfair to put a vulnerable new mum under any sort of pressure , and anyone that does I think is incredibly selfish! There will be plenty of Christmas’s to spend with the baby but this first one is about making sure mum and baby are safe, well and happy. I think some people have forgotten what the first few days/weeks are like , especially after your first. OP should absolutely be doing what she is comfortable with which she won’t know in advance, not pleasing others who clearly aren’t thinking about her well being.

Should read dreadful though that is!

But she does have somewhere else to go!

If you'd bothered to read my posts you'd see she has other options to go to. Two other children, an invite from one of them which she already declined. As well as several friends who have offered to add to this.

She's not OP's mum's family either.

Ignore those who do not understand where you're coming from. Easy to judge from behind a screen. I'm currently going through depression after everything my MIL put me through post partum, NEVER again.

CandyLeBonbon surely she's extended family if their children are married?? Of course she doesn't HAVE to invite her.. I know I would though unless we particularly didn't get on. Just a nice thing to do surely?

Why can't you and do's family do something all together on Boxing Day:? Or bail out and say you aren't doing Xmas this year now . The problem is you haven't considered your mil at all and that's not fair really. If baby is here and you are up for a few hours of fun then your parents will get all of it and your mil won't.

If they live near then you should all plan Xmas together. Or you should bail out and if you are up for it say people can come over for a quick meet the baby on Boxing Day.

I don't think they're family just because the son and daughter of each are married, no.

But regardless of that, dh had no business inviting HIS mother to his WIFE's family Christmas without discussion or permission.

You can be as accommodating as you like but somebody else's hospitality is not yours to offer.

Please read the whole thread and all the relevant facts. This is all a but 'cancel the cheque' now!

I had my first early December and my partner agreed that we would drive round seeing his family members in Xmas day. I still resent him now. I had an emergency C-section. I was trying to establish breastfeeding and it was not what I needed. I needed to be where I felt safe and comfortable and relaxed.
He won't understand so you need to stand firm that it's not what you want and you won't be doing it.
The best part of Xmas was when I got to my mums and she actually looked after me as priority as that's what was needed.

CandyLeBonBon totally agree you can't/don't invite someone to someone else's house.
But yes, when my dd gets married, her inlaws will obviously be part of my extended family.

I agree, in laws are part of the family

Good for you. Not everyone feels the same. In this case OP's mum is seeing her other daughter for the first time in 3 years and would prefer her small family gathering not to be gatecrashed by someone who clearly has a skin thicker than a rhino. OP's mum has turned down more reliable offers of Christmas Day options, but is making this all about HER need to see OP's baby, rather than recognising she has a lifetime to get to know her gc. In this case, being considerate of OP's state of flux is much more important than satisfying her own FOMO.

CandyLeBonBon I can only hope my dd marries into a warm, more welcoming family than yours!

You know nothing of my family so do stop with the ad hominem attacks

I can imagine..

Honestly OP the best responce to an overly fussy in-law is to put them to work

"fantastic I will either be ready to pop or post partum so if you & DH can spend a day over the holidays getting the house in order and freezer fully stocked with homemade meals while I rest in bed that would be lovely"

Oh lord, just tell her NO, it's a complete sentence, you don't know the precise day/hour it'll happen and best to just relax before and after.

As others have said, it's you body, you doing all the hard work, so it's your choice.

I haven't insulted you, your family or made insinuations as to your capacity for warm and loving relationships. Only you have done that, so I'd suggest that says more about you than me.

Because she might be giving birth on Boxing Day, seriously dumb answer on here today