Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

And when he gives birth, he can have his mummy there with him. Just like OP, who is giving birth, is choosing hers.

How dare you read the op in a factual manner? Didn’t you get the ‘hate all men’s mothers’ memo today?

I think you need to either agree to see both or neither - it's unfair to say you will see your family but your husband not allowed to see his. No hosting needed, make it very clear that it will be microwave meals/something from the freezer/whatever else is easy, but then she has the choice

Because MIL would be coming a fair distance and expects to spend the whole day with OP and her DH. If she goes home after an hour or two, she'll have no one else to celebrate with, which is why she plans to spend the WHOLE day with them.

I would be staying home, getting my parents to bring Christmas lunch to me and allowing short visits only whether the baby has arrived or not. All food and presents also welcome. But this is YOUR time. DH needs to understand that. I would hope that your DM and MIL would get it too, as they have been through it themselves!

Actual footage of OP's MIL

The plan is really quite nuts and I’d be furious with DH. I was early with no.1 after a 3 days labour but was in hospital for 5 days and was still struggling a fair bit when I discharged myself. That’s a good 8 days when hosting would have been totally out of the question. There is a really good chance you’ll be in labour or in hospital at that point.

Well put UndertheCedartree

😂😂😂

Thank you for making me snort laugh and almost choke on my chocolate! LOL!

Also, thank you for being one of the voices of reason with these silly, "MIL should be #1" posts. I just keep shaking my head and wondering if it's because they haven't read the whole thread, they don't comprehend the thread or they're just daft and don't GAS except for their viewpoint.

It’s like groundhogs day now. Her husband’s mother isn’t offering to host them on Christmas Day, op’s mother is for as little as they want or not at all. Husbands mother can visit on Boxing Day all being well. Making microwave meals or anything that inbreeding people when you’ve just had a baby is hosting, and by the sounds of the op a microwave meal on Christmas Day isn’t going to cut it. Mil wants the full Christmas experience hence inviting herself to op’s mums house. Read, for the love of god people. So many of you are coming off as utterly dim at this point.

Absolutely not. Life isn’t about “fair” and if you try to run relationships this way you’ll disappoint everyone and run yourself ragged. OP deserves to have a decent Christmas meal if she feels up to it and going to her parents is what makes the most sense as they live close by. Her parents are also hosting their other child (because some people actually still care about their children even if they haven’t provided a newborn to fawn over). Their plan is set in stone and OP has no firm plans to do anything but play it by ear. This nonsense of “having everyone round”, caters to MIL and nobody else. She has other children who’ve extended an invitation. She’s not a destitute lonely woman without anyone else in the world (and even then it wouldn’t entitle her). This is just manipulative nonsense and it’s really obvious she’s only asked because she wants to see the baby. OP needs to put her foot down because being steamrolled over in your postpartum can destroy relationships. Also I guess it’s a western culture thing but I find it really weird that people act like the only people you can spend Christmas with are your children. Even if none of my siblings and I went home for Christmas my parents would still have a full house hosting their parents, friends, siblings and niblings. Does no one have any friends that like them enough to share a meal with? Or is just throwing tantrums for the kids attention year on year.

With respect. Please read the thread thoroughly and then come back and tell us if you stand by this.

NO the OP doesn’t have to make it ‘fair’ because the MIL is a grown woman who will fully understand the need for a heavily pregnant woman/woman in the midst of birth/woman with a very new first baby to not have visitors but to have a very loose arrangement to pop over to her own mothers for lunch and to see her sister she hadn’t seen for a long time IF AND ONLY IF, she feels able. The OP is keeping plans very loose and doesn’t want MIL left in the lurch because she might end up being in hospital in Xmas day. That’s the FAIR thing to do.

Gawd bless 'er.

I 100% stand by my comment about fairness and how grandparents are included. As I said we didn’t see anyone when my son was born just before Christmas but once we did, in subsequent years, we respected both sets of grandparents equally. If you think that’s wrong we will have to agree to differ.

OP, how do you get on with your DH's siblings? I ask because my sister was in a similar position (due date of the 27th) and my mum really couldn't let go of her plans for my sister and BIL spending Christmas with them. Yes my parents live 10 minutes away, and my mum wanted to prevent my sister's MIL from imposing on my sister and expecting to be hosted, but my sister just wanted to be left at home. My dad took my mum in hand a bit offering to drop Christmas Dinner to the door without coming in, but even so my sister was worried that would turn into coming in etc. In the end I quite forcefully persuaded my parents on coming to ours, several hours away. My sister gave birth late on Christmas Eve and got her dream of a quiet Christmas. Rope in other family members if you can.

😊 @Nanaof1 well this thread has certainly kept me somewhat entertained today (when I should've been doing far more useful things).
I just remember how rough I felt and there's just no way I would've felt up to having to think about the needs of another adult at that time - and I was in hospital 5 days with complications with my first anyway! I'm just hoping that OP's MIL hadn't really thought it through and comes to the realisation that it's really not a great idea!

How do you decide what’s fair? What if you just have more in common with one set of G’parents than the other or it’s just easier to host them? What if one set are a bit toxic or live further away? there are too many factors to consider in trying to do the mental acrobatics of what ‘fair constitutes’ in each family’s unique set up.

I think the needs of the children are paramount and that the parents therefore should make decisions based on that rather than tying themselves in knots trying to keep grandparents happy.

My mum laid loads of guilt trips on me every time we had PIL for Xmas. It brought a downer on it all. Trying to travel long distances to see her just because she’d have sulked otherwise and put pressure on us. Trying to ‘see everyone’ during the Xmas holidays and all that travel left me going back to work exhausted. That makes me more likely to be irritable and less likely to be the best mum I can. The year we said we weren’t travelling was the best Xmas ever.

No, fairness to grandparents isn’t a priority. Grandparents can grow the fuck up and put the needs of their children and grandchildren first!

Sorry. You have hit a nerve for me here!

I’m sorry I’ve hit a nerve. I guess my family is quite run of the mill, lol, my sons and their wives alternate with grandparents exactly like we used to.

That’s nice. 😊 I’m glad it’s easy in that sense for you all. Lots of families are complex though so I think deciding what is ‘fair’ is a minefield. One I’m totally fed up with walking!

Well she can’t come because you’re not hosting! Your DH needs to tell her you already have plans to be at your parents. He can’t just invite her to other peoples houses!

When I am a grandparent I really hope that I remember what I want comes much further down the list than the wants and needs of my DD/DDIL and any grandchildren!
Luckily everyone is my family has definitely been on the same page with this.
Imagine insisting on being hosted by someone who has just given birth/ may be in hospital!
OP you are in no way being unreasonable. Of course you don’t want to make any firm plans and anyone that puts pressure on you to do so is being very unfair.

OP - has your DH grown a pair yet and spoken to her?

If not, I'm sure there are plenty of threads here that describe the first few days after birth in all their glory - you might want to read them out loud to him.

God this is awful. Someone who has just given birth does not have to have anyone on any day either for a full meal or just popping round.

OP my first DC was born two weeks before yours and I told eveyone we were pretty much cancelling Christmas that year as I knew I would be beside myself with worries and tiredness (and I was). I said if and only if we felt up to it we would take the baby to my parents for an hour to say hi. And we did let a much younger sibling who lives many miles away and was very excited pop round on Christmas eve but even though she was in a really grungy student stage of life she complained about the state of our bathroom and frankly do you need that hassle when you're a new mum?

We happily had an M&S christmas dinner in our milk and probably baby vomit stained pjs and then did manage to get washed and go to my parents for a cuppa. It is not really baby's first Christmas in any meaningful way when they're that tiny. We stayed about an hour and a half that's all.

All the grandparents had seen the baby in the hospital I should say so they weren't shut out but no-one has the right to come and if she's inviting herself she must be pretty insensitve anyway. My Mum did come, when asked, in the first weeks and always just got on with being helpful as she stepped through the door. And never said anything about the state of me or the house or offered unsolicited advice, just asked what could she do to help. For those first two months that's all you want.

A neighbour after her first and her second had a sign on the door - if you haven't come to do housework please go away. Not a bad idea.

I should say the next year we had 10 at our house all day for the full works. I could cope then.

Your DH is way out of order OP.

So what's the worse that can happen.. your dm has an extra person for lunch? Is that so terrible? You could go home whenever you wanted.. or even not go?

If you're having a boy I only hope you don't find yourself in your MIL's shoes one day...