Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I can’t quite see why you’ve addressed your post to me. I’ve said something similar to you, I said flexible you said loose and flexible. I never said she was excluding MIL, I gave an example of when my baby was born near to Christmas, we didn’t see anyone for an entire week.

I am a grandparent, so yes I’m fully aware that grandparents are adults. Why the snarky comment?

RTFT

Most people I know do alternate years, don’t your sons?

They are still teenagers. I haven’t read the whole thread as it is too long, I just skimmed. I’ve obviously missed something though such as mil being too far away to visit for an hour or something. Although why someone couldn’t point that out helpfully rather than being rude about it I don’t know. The general attitude to mils on here does worry me at times though. It’s as if they can never do anything right.

I’d just have a Christmas at home and both sets of parents visiting for an hour or so

MIL can't visit for an hour or so, as she lives some distance away. So she's either with OP all day, or with one of her other adult DC all day. If she plans to be with OP, OP may end up giving birth at the time.

Yes I wondered if that’s what I had missed. Spending an hour or two with others is potentially achievable, a whole day too much ( regardless of whose parents it is ) . As mil lives too far away to do a quick visit, she should arrange for a later date.

How about the fact that it is NOT her house? Or the fact that it's up to her DM as to who to invite? Or maybe, just maybe, the DM and the REST of the OP's family already have their day planned and the MIL doesn't fit into those plans? MIL can wait one lousy day and come on Boxing Day. MIL is being obstreperous if she cannot understand that she is not the sun and the world doesn't revolve around what she wants.

OP will have a newborn baby at that time, and SHE gets to be the sun for the first few weeks. Her baby, her body wrecked up, her rules.

No, it is thought to be some years later. They were living in a house by then.

You have said it’s not fair to include one set of grandparents and not the other. It’s nothing to do with fairness. Relationships differ with different people and that’s ok. In this case it’s even less relevant what’s ‘fair’ to the grandparents. ‘It’s not fair’ sounds like it’s about children. These are adults.

There's a 'grandmother pecking order'?

So, MIL should drive for a couple of hours to see her "new grandchild" (which may or may not have been born yet), have a coffee and cinnamon roll and then drive the hours back to her own place to spend Christmas all alone. LOL!

Mind-boggling.

The other scenario: MIL spends Christmas with her OTHER children and then drives to OP's on Boxing Day or the day after that and THEN cuddles the baby, has a coffee and a roll (prepared by OP's DH) and then drives the hours back home.

But wait, the second scenario actually uses logic, reason and common sense and we cannot have THAT on MN! Oh, not a chance! We have to invent new relationships between DMs and MILs and most of all, cater to the MIL at all cost. Because, MIL is the most important person, even if OP just gave birth a few days ago. They must cater to the entitled one at all costs. smdh

Just thinking OP, could you promise DH that if there is ever a Christmas he has just had a major medical procedure within days or weeks of Christmas, from which he is still recovering at Christmas, particularly if it involved his genitals, than he will definitely be allowed to choose how you spend Christmas day that year? Seems fair!

How far away does MIL live? I thought it was a couple of hours away?

If she lives close by like your parents do, then just tell her you can give her a hour or so and that's it. If she is a far drive, she needs to wait until you feel up to company for several hours, since I assume she wouldn't be happy doing a long drive for an hour or so.

Won't they all come to the hospital when you give birth, or isn't that done these days?

Won't they all come to the hospital when you give birth, or isn't that done these days?

Most women leave a few hours after the birth of everything goes as well as possible. Many don’t have an overnight stay. With my first I gave birth before 3pm and was home for dinner.

Unless you mean during the actual birth with is just a whole new level of invasive…

Won't they all come to the hospital when you give birth, or isn't that done these days?

Depends if it's visiting hours or not, and how many people want to visit!

Yes, this is perfectly natural. And if I had had a MIL causing a fuss over things not being 'fair' it would have stressed me out so much I would have minimised any time with her.

I was initially thinking YANBU, but then on reading further I have changed to YABU.

Fine if you said that you were immediately post partum, with all the joys of bleeding/pain/leaky boobs and so weren't going to go anywhere, but can you not see how despite all that, you are at least potentially planning to get up, get dressed and travel - albeit a short trip - to your family, but his family can't come to see you even for a short time?

Mind you, for years I did Xmas just within the household, and it was great not having to deal with anyone from either side of the family (and I like my MIL, who is now my ex-MIL, but we still get on fine). Yes, I am one of those crabby MN misanthropes.

So, OP should change HER plans, as loose as they might be, JUST to accommodate a MIL who seems to be acting very entitled?

In your scenario, OP does ALL the work with the baby while her DH visits with his Mummy, messes up HER house and makes her do what MIL wants and not what SHE wants. FFS!! Give your head a few wobbles! You must be a MIL. LOL!

You know she's been saying, all flipping day, that she MIGHT go and see her parents, IF she feels up to it.

Because she's not sure if she'll
A) be in Labour
B) be in hospital
C) be recovering from an easy vaginal birth
D) be recovering from a difficult vaginal birth
E) be recovering a c section
F) still be pregnant, uncomfortable and wanting to stay close to home in case she goes into labour spontaneously
G) having to be induced
H) needing to return to hospital for complications

All of the above are reasons op has said the visit to her parents is only a maybe, which they are fine with.

Perhaps because, with her own parents, she can leave or even not go and they will be FINE with it. But, MIL is expecting to spend the WHOLE day with them since it's a long drive.

What about the above do you not understand? FFS!

Gosh how ridiculous for a woman who will be overdue/in labour/in hospital/home with days old newborn dare to think that anything could be on her terms. Obviously MIL trumps it all and should be there with her on Christmas day just in case she may see her own mother for a couple of hours and it therefore being 'unfair'. I just honestly don't know what to say other than...grow up!

I've only got a son, but to be honest I am happy to accept that after a potential future DIL gives birth, I will NOT be equal to her parents immediately post-partum. It's completely reasonable that after a woman has just given birth- bleeding, emotions all over the shop, possibly torn or recovering from a c-section, in pain- wants to spend those first few days being supported by her own parents and not me. Yes, in an ideal world grandparents should be equal, but those first few days after the ordeal of childbirth is a completely reasonable exception. My son, having not been through such an ordeal, will have to suck it up!

Why do people keep saying op won't let mil 'visit for a short time' on Christmas day?
Dh and mil want her to come and stay for Christmas and for op's parents to host everyone on Christmas day!

Because why let the facts get in the way of a good story eh? 😬🧐🙄

Absolutely.

Ah yes @CandyLeBonBon poor mil, spending Christmas day, outside inthe cold, watching all the families having fun and food.

She doesn’t know if she’ll go to her parents for lunch. It’s IF she feels up to it and isn’t in the middle of giving birth. MIL lives too far away to just pop in so that isn’t an option. The OP is categorically not being unreasonable. She is avoiding making any FIRM plans as her baby is due.