Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Lovely story. Not remotely similar to OP's situation though.

Sigh. Read the thread properly and then come back and let us know if you stand by this. Spoiler. You can’t!! It’s bonkers.

People are being really really harsh. There’s a huge difference between popping into someone’s house to be fed for an hour and feeling comfortable to leave than to having someone round and expecting to host. Fuck no you shouldn’t be making any plans as it’s around your due date, and if you don’t go to your parents or want to leave after 30mins is your MIL going to leave also?

I have not read all the comments. If I had been in your position I would not be making any plans including loose plan. Are you sure that MIL invite herself? Is there any possibility your husband invited her? I think the issue is that you made loose plans with your family, which is probably why your husband thought it okay to make plans with his mum.

At the very least, it means she'd be unlikely to be grateful for MILs extra pair of hands!

Ah yes, husband should make ‘loose plans’ with his mother around the time his wife could be giving birth or be hours/days postpartum. I mean someone needs to look after him at Christmas right? His wife might have his hands full after all if she’s not galavanting off to her own mums house.

As someone who gave birth on 23 December (10 days after due date) I get you OP. It’s only one day of one year (jeez, this is why I hate Christmas sometimes).

I cannot understand why your DH invited his mum to a Christmas Day that is being hosted by someone else.

I would insist he tells her to plan her own Christmas Day with other family. This doesn’t mean she can’t see you all on the day, you can always alter plans or not as necessary and practical nearer the time.

YANBU to not want to commit to this at this stage.

This is just ridiculous, you could have just given birth, be giving birth or about to give birth. Why should you not get to just come home, have a shower and get on with the business of healing and getting to know your baby.

Your Dh needs to get his head straight, he also can’t just dump his mum on your parents. Your MIL should also know better tbh. I only have a DD but I would be very wary of anything’s which would create pressure around a birth.

You are not being selfish in the least to not prioritise your husband or his mum at this point. Your priority is yourself and your baby. Thats it, and that should be your DH’s priority as well. If my DD was in your shoes I’d be pretty unhappy about it as well.

@Catsdogsfish I promise it's not hard to be a good MIL. You simply need to understand and allow your boys independence and to live their own lives. Don't be in competition with your DIL and her family. Fwiw my son was very independent and off doing his own thing. I made it my business to maintain a good relationship with him over attempting to control his life and decisions. So we keep in touch by messaging, sending pictures of the family pets, phone calls here and there. He comes to visit once or twice a year, and I go to see him too (abroad)
Really importantly I have my own life/interests/friends. I adore him and I'm very proud of the man he has become. He dropped everything and flew home for a family crisis recently.

I think it's really difficult to imagine the future like that when your son is still a little boy. I still feel nostalgia for those days (four littles) but it's over ridden by my joy at seeing who they have become as adults, and the wonderful freedom I have reclaimed (though I still am always there for them if they need me) I have girls as well, so I have sons in law. I leave them in peace and generally see my DDs without them. We all rub along well though, mainly because nobody has big expectations, and they are all straightforward and not overly needy people. Oh the lads sometimes see their mums on their own too. I know all my childrens in-laws but we're not great mates. Easier for if any of the marriages break down, I think.

This thread has been fascinating!

Funny how mothers of daughters don't seem to have these issues with their son-in-law. (None that I know anyway!) All women I know who have daughters, get on really well with their son-in-laws - including me. (I have 2 adult daughters, and me and my 2 son-in-laws think the world of each other.)

IME it's pretty much always 'mothers of sons' who have issues with the daughter-in-law. And of course, it's almost always women who have problems with their mother-in-law (their husband's mother.)

Most women I know who are married, don't get on with their mother-in-law. The have tried to get on with them, but the mother-in-law is cold and aloof and doesn't want a relationship with her. (in most cases.) Yet most of the men I know do get on with their mother-in-law. What is all that about?

Do these mothers who have sons feel threatened by their son's wife? Do they fear they won't see the grandchildren? Do they fear the son's wife's mother will take priority?

Are they trying to make their mark and show that they are as important as the son's wife's - and her mother? (Or more!) It's a well-documented fact that maternal grandparents are usually closer to the grandchildren, that the paternal ones. So are these mothers of sons threatened and jealous?

Oddly my husband gets on brilliantly with both our son-in-laws, and doesn't feel remotely threatened by them or think they're going to take his precious daughters away! Yet many mothers of sons act like they're threatened by their daughter-in-law (and her mother.)

Never had any sons, so I don't know why some mothers of sons are like this. As I said, I reckon they're threatened by the son's wife (and her mother.) The mothers of both my daughters husbands are a bit like this. Not as bad as some, but quite hard work and needy. They are both are OK with my daughters, but they tolerate them rather than like them or embrace them. They definitely see them as a threat.

Their husbands always take their wife's side though, which their mothers don't like. This is what your husband should be doing @Kirstymwh Tell him grow a pair, and stand up to his overbearing and controlling mother! Most women I know have mother-in-laws who aren't keen on them, or just tolerate them, and yeah I am pretty sure they're threatened by them. Yeah sure, some mothers of sons are not like this with their daughter-in-laws, but many are.

I always got on OK-ish with my mother-in-law, but not when me and DH first met. She tried to put her mark down and let me know she was the boss, but my DH put her in her place pretty sharpish, and let her know I was his priority now.

@Nonoatchristmas 🤣🤣🤣

Agree with this. Loving the baby in this case requires the MIL to put her DIL first - even if she's a bit sad about it, putting her post partum comfort first. Because the better things are for OP, the better she'll be able to look after the baby.

Lots of people define "love for the baby" as "getting what I want" in terms of cuddles. What I have needed is space and time, not constant expectations. Love is putting your needs second in this case.

Really not getting why a postpartum woman should deny herself the help and comfort from her own family in order to be "fair to the other grandparents". Isn't it just normal to be up for some people's company and not others at times?

If your going to be post partum I would have insisted on staying home & having anybody who comes to visit to 'bring a plate' or a box of chocolates to share & only stay for an hour+ or so. I think you've made a rod for your own back insisting on spending Christmas 'alone' with a newborn while also schedualing in a visit to your own family for a few hours (surely that's a day/afternoon/evening event for most people anyway ?)

If however you want to spend Christmas with your own family/actual family you should have made that clear to dp rather then the vagueness you've picked

BTW. Congratulations & best wishes on the baby for December! A Christmas baby is so lovely

@Jk8 op is not sure whether the baby will even have been born by Christmas Day, which is why she hadn't made any plans - because she doesn't know how things will pan out. She hasn't 'scheduled m' time to go to her parents. She may or may not go depending on circumstances.

I’d just have a Christmas at home and both sets of parents visiting for an hour or so, depending on how many days postpartum/ how I felt. I don’t get why husbands in relationships are expected to spend time on Christmas Day with their wife’s mother/ parents but exclude their own. Yes I am the mother of sons. For me it would be nothing to do with jealousy, it would be about wanting to see my sons/ grandchildren on special occasions- in the same way as the wife’s mother wants too. But apparently for a lot of women, the ‘mil’ isn’t allowed to feel that way and should just be forgotten about once her sons are married/ partnered up. It’s little wonder that some people then find that their in laws aren’t biting their hands off to provide childcare.

So funny the OP is being called selfish by her husband and posters in here when her MIL is the selfish one. Turned down Christmas invites from her other kids, and hurt their feelings, invited herself to OP’s parents just for the chance she can get her hands on the baby one day earlier. The fact that people don’t recognise this is crazy town is gross to me.

Oh, and as the mother of a tiny son, the last thing I would want is to mawkishly impose myself on any future DIL or SIL the way my MIL does over my husband and his brother - always telling them they've broken her heart by moving out.

I haven't had him as a possession. He's a person, and he won't always put me first and that's fine. He will have his own life to live.

Dear god, the lack of reading comprehension from some posters is the worst I’ve ever seen on here.

I’m disappointed to read so many comments from (presumably) women trying to squash another woman’s perfectly reasonable potential plans for Christmas Day. Did we go back 70 years?

Im interested to know if @Kirstymwh ‘s Dh has had the brain to apologise to his heavily pregnant wife and phone his mother to ether he fucked up yet.

OP has already explained that due to distance her MIL won't be happy with an hour or so. She wants to come for the day.

I don't think OP's "vagueness" is the issue here. OP has said they might pop round to her parents if she's feeling OK (this can be a short visit as they live 10 minutes away) but if she's not feeling ok they will stay home. That seems pretty clear to me!

RTFT

Yes it has been very fascinating!

Thank you for this reply. I've just been overthinking this whole situation. But hearing it from someone who has older children and explaining that it can be OK is reassuring. I've gone off on a tangent to this post but I wanted to thank you!

Exactly, i don't want be be a chore every other year. Most years i only have Christmas day off am i buggery spending the day travelling the length of the country filling my family obligations and nor would i expect anyone else to.

RTFT

Most people I know do alternate years, don’t your sons?

Oh - snap 😂