Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Are you reading the same thread as everyone else?

The fact that you are thinking about it means you will be more sensitive and thoughtful. I bet you will be a great MIL as a consequence and build a great relationship with any future DIL.

Errr? What?!!! Read the thread, grasp the basics and then come back and tell us if you still think this. Bonkers!

It's a bit strange for her to invite herself but no need for dramas and rows.

You're only having a baby. Chances are, you'll be fine but I suppose you never know. I had a terrible first birth and needed a lot of stitches so I was grateful for an extra pair of hands.

Just to say I’m the exact same height as you and both my babies were nearly a full week early, but that’s a total side note.

But I get what you’re saying, for me it would be the stress of having one more commitment. You have no idea how you’ll feel. You might be absolutely fine, you might be fine but a bit tired, or you could be a wreck balling your eyes out worrying about a jaundiced newborn who won’t latch and in agony because you can’t sit comfortably due to a 3rd degree tear repair. It’s so unpredictable!
id just be firm but polite and say you don’t want the stress to commit to anyone being at yours at all, so tell her to do her own plans and if you’re up to it on the day you might pop over for an hour at breakfast/dinner time

This. Then you're not prioritising your side of the family over your husband's.

She's only having a baby that could well be born on the day MIL wants to come round. What's going to happen if OP is in the delivery suite at the time?

Tell your husband ‘no’. Remind him you are having a baby and will not be in the headspace to put other people first.

@TrashedSofa I've absolutely no idea.

'only having a baby'.

Great minimising there. Some people don't find it easy. And don't have a relative who will pull their weight and instead will expect the royal treatment...

Get out of your own bubble and learn some empathy.

Is your DH normally an idiot? I can’t believe he agreed to this and I’m reeling that he called you selfish for balking at it…

You sound like Eddie Izzard.
Quite a lot of blancmange from your post.

Did you read the part where OP said her sister is home from overseas for the first time in years? Even if she had made firm plans with her side (which she hasn't) she would not be unreasonable to do so for this reason alone.

🤦🏼‍♀️

Is there a 'bang your head against a brick wall' emoji?

OP isn't hosting dinner.

Frankly I'd prefer this too. My older cousin has adult DC (and DGC) and this holiday they're off on a Mississippi river cruise. Dark November and December have never been the best of times as far as I'm concerned, and this particular trip has been on my bucket list for quite some time. Sounds a truly wonderful idea!

I'll always be there for my son if he wants me, but both I and DH also have our own lives. At present we have our work, but even after retirement we're resourceful enough to find our own amusement. A colleague who recently retired now has an art studio - a thing I'd give my right arm for, and I'd also want to volunteer for our local wildlife and bat conservation trusts.

I never want my interaction with my child to feel like a duty to him, to be discharged for another year and a sigh of relief breathed once it's over. I'd rather everyone do what genuinely makes them happy.

My own mother was very much of the same way of thinking, which is perhaps why we were always so close. She didn't have children to make them responsible for her wellbeing, and I feel the same.

Talking about MILs like this pisses me off, like they're all the same because you don't like yours!

You're only having a baby.

Yes, it's a bit like buying a bus ticket, isn't it?

Some people's lives must be very sad if they stay on their own on any day they can't or don't want to see everyone of a similar relationship on that day in case of anyone thinking it's not fair. So some people really only mix with anyone if EVERYONE is invited? That's either exhausting or lonely depending which decision you make. How much nicer to have some quality time with one group one day and the other on a different day surely?

Op you need a serious chat with DH about the realities of birth and the post partum period and a warning that actually you probably will be selfish quite a lot for a couple of months.
Grandparents should be treated as equally as possible after the post partum period, but whilst mum is in recovery mode, whoever she is lost comfortable with naturally get priority sorry (albeit both sets of grandparents should certainly get to eet the baby). It will be one of the biggest physical and emotional shocks of your life, so yes, you might be selfish sometimes. This is probably the time in your life you will most get to be, as if you have any other children you'll have existing DC to consider too.

Explain that you will ensure some future Christmas are spent with mil, Christmases which will be more fun as DC will know they are happening! But this year, with how you are likely to be feeling and the uncertainty, and your sister home, could he please explain to mil that it would make more sense to accept another offer this time, and if you are ok and home she can come over boxing day (maybe enen say Xmas eve if that might help he feel less sidelined??).

Or the grown ups need to be grown up and accept differences in relationships. It’s fine for them to go to her parents for lunch IF they feel up to it, and it has no bearing on the MIL and their feelings about her. It’s not about prioritising.

Did you also see your parents on Christmas Day? Fairsies and all that?

what about other visits? Do you make sure you see both grandparents the same day every time? If you don’t you’re being massively unfair.

wait? That’s ridiculous and not the same you say? Bullshit.

I always say… the more family to love and adore my baby, the better for them (child).

ideally, we want to encourage bonding and familiarity with family that loves us, not push them away.

I know the days following birth can be really hard though, with the bleeding, and leaking breasts, so just make sure you have a quiet place at your folks where you can retrieve to nurse/rest. Your family will absolutely understand. They’ve been there.

and you may be surprised… your family could even help look after the baby while you take an hr nap.

a little story: I remember my husband signed us up to go over to some friends house a few weeks after I gave birth (and I was so annoyed) but the woman (our friend), looked at me and said “I can look after x while you take a nap if you’d like.” I said “no, that’s not necessary” and she insisted, and to shut her up I said OKAY, and let me tell you… THAT WAS A SMART DECISION.

she held and rocked my baby for TWO hours down by the water while I slept. I felt so rejuvenated i can’t even explain. One of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me.

in my head I was only going to nap for 15 mins but slept for two hours 😅😂 and they let me do it. Bless their heart ❤️❤️❤️

Did you miss the bit about being worried she might be pushing a person out on Christmas Day?