Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Statistically taller women have longer pregnancies. That's all I meant by it. What actually happens is anyone's guess but being taller AND the fact it's my first baby increases likelihood of going past my due date statistically.

Yes 10 days over for a first timer is quite common.

I hope you've made some progress with Dh?

@Kirstymwh I'd tell both families to make their own plans and presume that you won't be available to anyone. Then no-one is offended.

I am with you on this one OP. My parents wouldn’t like anyone else coming either. You will be a new mother and all that goes with it. YOU call the shots. You have already said Boxing day is a runner so she can make do with that. Stick to your guns and have the Christmas you want and don’t be bamboozled into doing something that will make you uncomfortable.

Jesus christ what is with people and their self entitlement? I'm a mother of 3 boys and have already told dh once they have their own family's we will be booking in a curry house for Christmas Dinner and they can enjoy their own family time.
Yanbu!

I was 12 days over my due date with first baby. Was booked in for induction on day 10 but went into labour that day and baby born 2 days later. If the same happened to you, you'd be giving birth on Boxing Day!

I am totally with you on this one. Even just worrying about her having to make last minute plans is an extra stress you don't need. If baby comes early and you're absolutely bossing it then MAYBE but it's unnecessary and too many unknowns to agree to

But not her mother because she is so superior in the grandmother pecking order?

@JudgeJ her mother HAS made other plans and is totally fine if she doesn't see OP!

DH will be busy helping to look after his new baby so will not have time for this either. They will be brand new parents or at hospital still. He needs to be clear with his DM.

What ‘other plans’ should her mother (who is hosting Christmas at hers and knows the op might not be visiting anyway) be making? Maybe the op’s mother should Be Kind and just take an entire Christmas dinner right up to the MiLs front door? Totally bypassing her mean daughter of course 🤣

Yes that’s right, op absolutely can’t stand poor old mil and she’s being excluded purely because she’s not as good as her own mum…

Or… op’s own parents have indeed made their own plans. To be at home, with op’s sister who is visiting from abroad. Op may or may not pop by to have dinner someone else has prepared. Providing she’s not too knackered or giving birth.

This post has absolutely flummoxed the hard of thinking, hasn't it?

This post has absolutely flummoxed the hard of thinking, hasn't it?

This^

I'm honestly astounded! I can only think that some of the more rabid comments are from people who have only read the title and jumped in with projections and assumptions because I'm struggling to work out how anyone could consider the op to be unreasonable based on the actual facts that she's given!

YANBU of course you need to decide nearer the time. Everyone is excited about a new baby arriving.

Did your DH not know the tentative plans you had made with your family, if he said it’s ok for his mum to come to yours?

I understand that DH will want to his mum too over holidays, but it’s not worth getting worked up over, it’s not good for you.

I would just say, you haven’t decided on anything yet, then his mum can make alternative arrangements, if she so wishes. And leave it to DH to tell her ASAP.

Who knows you might just want a quiet Christmas, in your own home. Good luck.

Oh dear good. Her mother has her other daughter coming for the first time in 3 years and has said the op is welcome for lunch IF SHE FEELS able. The OP, depending on if she is well enough and not mid giving birth, may or may not take them up on this offer!

‘Pecking order’? They are not geese. And of course she will feel, at one of the most vulnerable times in her life, more relaxed with her own family that she’s known since birth. The MIL isn’t a poor victim here. She is a grown Roman (edited to Woman but may well be Roman) whom I’m sure is perfectly able to see the needs of a new mum and not feel hurt by being lower in the ‘pecking order’.

11 days after your due date - YANBU OP!!
The OP is being sensible and just asking for some flexibility and consideration.

She may or may not turn up to her parents.
She may still be in hospital
or fit to pop at home and not willing to move.

Babies come when they want to.

She is being denied that flexiblity and consideration by the MIL and the DH who when there are more alternatives. Neither are LISTENING to the OP but imposing their own decisions on how she organises the weeks around her due date.
Of course she feels more comfortable at her parents house when she knows they will be more accepting of what she can and cannot do on the day.

I know exactly how annoying it is when people use Xmas Day as a tool to push you into doing things that are just not sensible and couldn't be justified at any other time of year. And that is exactly what it is. An excuse.
OP's health and needs may vary greatly in the last few weeks. It's not good for people around you to get you so stressed about what ought to be a relatively sensible and simple matter to solve, that you have to consult an online forum to ask if you are being reasonable. You wouldn't do that unless you were stressed from getting flack from them. They need to stop being so selfish and put the mum to be first. Not their Xmas plans. And that includes your DH who is doing this for a quiet life. You've made reasonable offers to your MIL. She has alternative options and as you've said - ultimately, you don't know where you will be spending Christmas day, your own plans could change.

Continue to state your case OP. Put yourself and your baby first since other people who ought to be, are not.

It’s not.

people just like to beat new mothers with a stick to remind them that they are the lowest on the totem pole. To teach them how to be good little doormats to other peoples desires

you’re trying to be kind. Some of us get that

Agree. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but I can't see how anyone could be so stupid as to think it's a good idea to offer to host someone on a day when you stand a good chance of giving birth. It's not even in MILs interests really, because if OP is having the baby at that time, she'll be left with nowhere to go. Anyone who actually cares about her welfare would be saying she should make other plans, with people who definitely won't have a human coming out of them at the time.

Seriously? you can’t cope with not being priority for a week or so when your potential DIL has a baby?

You are not unreasonable.
I was induced and had baby at 42 weeks
Was due on 21st Dec and had her just before midnight on 3rd Jan and then was in hospital for a week after which was awful. Was discharged and arrived home about 11pm. I don't even remember those first weeks and PIL didn't meet her until 3 weeks old.

Tell your husband he can have an opinion which you will take on board when he is in late stages of pregnancy about what is reasonable or not, and remind him stress is not good

Yes, I have 3 sons and 2 DIL’s and I accept that they will prioritise their own mum’s over me, especially when they’ve just given birth. Obviously, they’re going to feel much more comfortable with their own mum taking care of them. Wouldn’t you?

My only gripe was when I organised a special birthday celebration for my DH with the adult kids and our grandchildren and mum of DIL 2 decided to gate crash our meal out that I’d paid for!! I would never do anything like that.

Apologies. I wasn't very clear. I agree with the OP and would feel the exact same. And something similar happened to me when I had my son over Xmas.
I meant my worry in general with DILs and MILs relationships, not specifically after giving birth near christmas. But that's a whole other post!

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP.

I think your MIL wants to spend the day with you because of the new baby, which is understandable but not the priority in the immediate days after birth.

Question - does she even know she'd have to go to your parents in order to spend it with you? That might actually put her off.

I’m just remembering my first who was due mid Jan but came early. The Xmas it was just me DH and a tin of Roses. We just chilled. I was to massive and knackered to go anywhere or do anything. It was bliss. And people understood. Stand your ground OP.