Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Nice cheery round of 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' with all the midwives and MIL whilst the OP huffs and puffs. If the OP gets the timing right maybe Santa and Rudolph can join in personally for the chorus.

Lots of responses show the lack of of respect lots have for women /new mums and baby.

YABU....for not kicking your DH in the balls 😂

Definitely not being unreasonable, you are not being selfish, DH and MIL are. You could easily still be in labour on Xmas day. Even if baby comes on time you'll be knackered. Get him to read this thread and realise how hard birth and the first few weeks after can be and hopefully he will change his tune.

Does anyone ever wonder why theres no political will to prioritise maternity and improve services when they are repeatedly shown to be one of the biggest causes of problems (and compensation payouts) in the whole of the NHS?

This thread gives part of the answer to the question...

Same. I'm happy to boil water and fetch blankets and everything!

Actually have just rear the thread. Don't get him to read it. 😂 Get him to read the lemon clot essay.

This is such a good post from @SerafinasGoose.

I think many women gain (or think they gain) 'status through purity', purity equating to giving up their boundaries, wants, needs, privacy, time, and, effectively, their lives, dedicating themselves to the service of others.

Why should her parents be expected to host her in-laws?

Shes not being rude. Shes prioritising her comfort levels.

No. This is DH’s mess. He rings MIL and tells her spend Christmas with one of his sibling’s and they’ll see her on Boxing Day. Oh and apologise for extending an invite to someone else’s house.

@HeyLovee height is relevant because taller women have more space for bubba to grow inside so statistically deliver later, though of course most first babies are late anyway.

It's quite sweet, isn't it?

Doesn't it just.
I hear it every day where I work, older women (like me) constantly bemoaning their daughters in law for spending more time with their own mothers. It is driven by jealousy and is completely ridiculous, they need to get a hobby or something.
I had a horrible bully of a mother in law, I have vowed to be nothing like her.

Fair point.

But it’s also equally fair that OP is not and does not want to host Christmas for someone else. That she may or may not pitch up at someone else’s Christmas that involves no work for her, with her own family that she can doesn’t have to be polite to, and can and lie down or go home without anyone thinking she’s rude. It’s also ok if she feels more comfortable around her own family as she knows them better.

OP shouldnt be expected to muck in at all! She should make the most of resting and recovering.

Mumsnet is so weird 😂

Honestly OP - you will see other threads just like this and the consensus will be the opposite!

You are NOT being unreasonable

I'm a FTM of 7 weeks and everyone and their uncle has asked to see us from day 1. Very nice and very much appreciated, but it has added a lot of pressure. Be prepared for this especially over Christmas when lots of people are more available in general.

Be boundaried.

No reason why your MIL has to arrange her Xmas day on your 'maybe' plans.

Your husband is an arse. A) he shouldn't have said she could come without checking with you and your parents first and B) for calling you selfish.

Woe betide any man who wants to call any woman trying to put boundaries in place post birth selfish.

Have you spoken any further about this to your husband?
@Kirstymwh

@RedToothBrush unfortunately I think much resistance comes from what certainly used to be a an almost cult like view coming from the midwifery.

YANBU

My in-laws staying days after I had given birth with my first, left me in tears of joy when they left (never been alone with them ever and wasn’t comfortable trying to establish nursing in front of them so would have to go upstairs and nurse, nor particularly liked being rushed out of my own bathroom while I’m showering because it was longer than 5 minutes) and definitely wasn’t helpful with them there after having a traumatic birth. With the second, DH and I told everyone no guests/visitors for two weeks (due to what happened with the first), my mother stayed with us after and we visited DH’s side at Christmas and it was amazing. With the third, baby arrived the day before parents came for their usual visit and then hosted in-laws nine days after.

I honestly can say the second time despite spending most of it going back and forth to the hospital was my favourite. Could get on with things without people hovering or waiting to take baby and by time we did visit in-laws, second was more comfortable being held by others and giving little smiles.

I get on with my in-laws and have a decent relationship with my parents but having them staying with us is too much for me however if it was just my mum or just MIL I wouldn’t mind so much. Saying that, still wouldn’t want them with me during or right after giving birth if I had the choice.

At best the MIL should be prepping christmas and inviting her son and family around if they feel up to it. With no pressure if they cant. or she should just fuck off to another family member.

Thank you for explaining. I’m a midwife and have never heard of that? 😄

Tell you DH you will be doing none of the Christmas-related work whatsoever. So if he wants to host her and make Christmas happen, that’s up to him. You will be sitting, lying, resting with your new baby while he brings you food and entertains and caters for his mother. If he still thinks it’s a good idea, then fine.

It's very awkward because you know if you don't end up going to your parents she'll be hanging around your house all day which I would not want!!

Blmey @Tandora

I don’t agree that it’s ok to treat one’s MIL like an annoyance and inconvenience just for existing.

Do you write fiction for a living?

Completely agree. Luckily I have a very reasonable mother in law that I do feel very comfortable with, but who also would completely respect my boundaries. ( probably why I feel so comfortable with her!) She had not forgotten the horror of the first few weeks with a newborn! I can’t get over those who just can’t see how unfair it is for anyone to turn up and expect to be hosted by someone who has so recently given birth/ was about to give birth.