Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

I don't think it would make any difference tbh. It's a mode-of-thinking thing.

Good god yes.

It's not fair is a petulant child acting like they are arguing over possession of a toy not the birth of a bloody grandchild!

Come back a couple of hours and several pages later to people still not taking what the op said on board.

The op’s parents live 10 minutes away. That means easier to visit and easier to leave when exhausted. Mil lives enough of a distance that it would not be a ‘pop in visit’.

When you have two active sets of grandparents, who live at different distances, sometimes it’s going to be unequal. That’s just tough. Again, if mil felt that put out, she can offer to host at hers rather than put extra stress on her dil who’s just given birth.

Treated the same doesn’t equal inviting yourself to the house of the DiLs parents for the day nor putting expectations of Christmas on people who may not be able to see anyone that day depending on circumstances.

You sound like a marvellous MIL.

I'm interested in the posters who have flocked onto this thread to deliver their queenly rebukes to the OP. It's not just this thread, either. Any OP in a quandary, because of expectations she be a receptacle for others' needs, sees the same pattern emerge. Admonisher pops up to berate the OP for her rebellious attitude, then starts to tell off the women who have supported her, too. Interestingly, these Admonishers tend to be amongst the most prolific posters on these threads. They return again and again, sometimes long after most other people have run out of steam, with a level of investment disproportionate to whatever dilemma has been posted about in the first place.

Why this concerted effort to put other women back in their boxes? What do you have to gain by cajoling women to be kind, censuring them with labels of 'selfishness', or accusing them of 'aggression' when they've simply asserted a boundary and stuck to it? Or perhaps that question might be reframed as: what do you have to lose by other women not conforming to these expectations? Why are the stakes so high? How, exactly, does it affect you?

Perhaps this kind of angst stems from women who have bought into this patriarchal guff for most of their lives, have lost out, and now resent the fact that others are unwilling to accept this as standard. Other women are now taking the rap for that, whilst meanwhile, the bar for men remains where it always was. Low.

Whatever the reason, it's a pity such people don't ask themselves who stands to gain by keeping the status quo exactly as it is, rather than jumping up like prairie dogs to rebuke other women for even the mildest of transgressions. Like being a thinking, feeling human in their own right, and expecting to be treated as one.

Why? Inquiring minds want to know.

This was what I thought, there's so many scenarios of what could happen and if you're like me you'll feel stressed knowing someone's Christmas plans depends on you at a time when you should be worrying about yourself. She won't be on her own so let her make alternative arrangements.
I don't get why everyone is ganging up in you saying you're pushing her out when you're offering an alternative day where you can all sit and relax. Christmas day comes with dinner expectations that boxing day does now.
Can you have a word with her yourself and just explain it might be better to not make plans with you because it's all up in the air

So every time you ever see one side of your family you also see the other side, the same day, or it's not fair? I don't get it. ....

She has already provisionally accepted an invitation to her parents (and with a sibling home from abroad for first time in years, I think that would be the natural priority even if OP wasn't also giving birth!), so IF she is up to seeing anyone on Christmas day that is who she will see. She is therefore not free to see MIL because either she is not up to visiting and therefore DEFINITELY not up to hosting, or she is going there and therefore not at home. She has a prior engagement.

She is making plans to see MIL on a different day so there is nothing unfair about it.

Frankly if I was one of MILs other children I'd wonder why my mother would rather risk spending Christmas either alone or in the house of someone she barely knows who is hosting her out of duty / pressure / charity (if ops mum did invite her) than with her own children who HAVE invited her. Just for the small chance she might get a baby cuddle one day earlier.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but your MIL was pretty rude to ask if she could go to your parents with you for Christmas Day and your partner was incredibly rude for giving her the impression it would be fine without even bloody asking you and your parents! What a dick!

Your MIL has other family members she could spend the day with and you have said that all being well, she can come on Boxing Day.

You'll either be just getting over the birth, or feeling incredibly uncomfortable if you're overdue.

It's perfectly reasonable to tell everyone that as you have no idea of the position you'll be in, that you simply can't make firm plans this year. Everyone should understand that.

I had baby late December I was still in hospital over Christmas there was no one around to discharge me so we spent Christmas on the ward

You might not be home

Some of the comments criticising the OP here show a breathtaking lack of self awareness and empathy. But yes, you put that post partum woman and her newborn in their place - make sure they know that they’re not the priorities for even a few days in this scenario.

I think your DH needs to grow a pair and say to his mum that Christmas Day is just not happening this year! You should feel completely entitled to spend it however you wish and if that’s spending a day in your pj’s because you need to, then so be it. If you are up to visiting your parents then great, but I imagine it will be a bit of a Christmas morning decision.
The suggestion that your mil goes to your parents is ridiculous unless they are all best friends (which you’ve said they don’t know each other very well) - I would hate my in-laws to spend time with my dp’s and we’ve been married forever!
Be firm and say to your dh that you are starting to lose respect for him because he is just not listening to you and respecting your wishes.

Your poor MIL. This antipathy towards them is seen here time and again. I wonder if the situations were reversed and this was your mother, whether you’d be so vociferous on this “my terms” business. I strongly suspect not. It’s literally one day, come on. I’m sure you can swallow your annoyance for a few hours.

Is that while she's in Labour or when she's being stitched up? Asking for a friend?

@Kirstymwh i know this isn’t your question but genuinely confused about how your height is relevant to when you will give birth?!
aside from that your DP shouldn’t have agreed to his mum coming but understandable she might want to see new baby on Xmas. By 10 days hopefully you should feel up to letting her pop round for an hour? But sensible to not over commit yourselves with a newborn

Your DH and MIL are both fucking idiots. You might easily be giving birth on Christmas and/or Boxing Day! Do they want her to come and sit in an empty house?

Yes poor mother in law demanding to be included in a short visit to her dil’s mothers house when recovering from giving birth. If she even manages to go to her own mums house. What would be fair is for the op to suck it up, invite all in-laws to hers even if she only gave birth hours beforehand and let the baby be passed person to person whilst she makes Christmas food. Make sure her husband has a timer so her parents don’t get any seconds extra cuddles with the newborn over his mum!!

Antipathy? What?! She’s not hosting at Xmas because she will either have just given birth or will be giving birth!! She MAY or MAY NOT go to lunch with her family. How is this antipathy? The MIL is an adult and will surely understand that the OP doesn’t want her relying on them to host her at Xmas. Honestly. I think you are completely misunderstanding the situation here. Swallow her annoyance? What are you in about. The OP may need to be sitting on a rubber ring due to stitches or be bleeding heavily. Struggling to breastfeed. Being tearful. Exhausted. Vulnerable. She may still be in hospital. She may be in bed rest. Where is this antipathy and annoyance you speak of?

Read the full thread. Fully get your head around the actual situation and then come back and tell me if you stand by this post.

Maybe MIL can come and sit in the birthing pool with OP for a few hours. Festive!

They can roll up the placenta as a make-do Yule Log, hang the umbilical cord up like tinsel 🤣

What I want to know is why I’m not invited to the OPs for Xmas. I mean I’ve invested all this time in her thread and she’s not once thought about me in all of this. I feel it’s really unfair. I feel so excluded.

Can't you just ring MIL and explain that:

• you don't know whether or not you'll have given birth by Xmas;
• as such you can't make advanced plans;
• if you're around, she's welcome to pop round to yours for a bit;
• just for a bit, as there's a possibility you might go out and see your parents for a bit;
• it's possible you'll be in hospital or in labour in which case you won't be able to see her;
• so if she's happy with that, fine. If she's not then she might want to think about spending Xmas with someone else.

😂
Breastmilk eggnog anyone?

😂

Then that's even worse isnt it, who wants to be hosting their mil when they could go into labour at any moment. Also her parents are hosting, that's why shes seeing her own mother, his mother hasnt offered to host.

Switch over the role of mother and mother in law here , mum has insisted on coming and being hosted by a OP who may or may not have a baby/ be in hospital, and mother In law has said you are welcome to pop in if you feel up to it but no pressure either way. I would say mother is being unreasonable.

It’s not about the role but the unfair expectations on a new mum. OP has not indicated at all that she will exclude mother in law in the future, in fact her main concern is that mother in law will not be alone at Christmas. The mother in law has other children she can spend time with and next Christmas can be different.