Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

This took longer than I expected.

I mean ultimately OP can do what she wants. I just know from experience these things “ go down in history” as “ I wasn’t allowed to come.” But people are just offering perspectives and options for her to consider.

Three hours and 25 minutes.

Very glad I'm not your MIL. You are being so precious and excluding. Thank God my own D-I-L is all round welcoming to family, this means so much to us all. A welcoming attitude will be eternally appreciated.

Hi MIL as your child has no backbone, it is left me to tell you that we are not hosting Christmas this year. I know you will understand as a woman who has given birth, that it will be a hectic time as who knows when bub will arrive. Please respect my wishes and not complain. I'm more than happy for your child to spend the day with you as I know you'll appreciate the company. I'm looking forward to catching up with you in the new year. 💋

Wow, this thread. YANBU, you have a DH problem. He needs to stop being so precious and tell his Mum she can't come. She has other children, she has other options.

Is the mother in law held it against op that she ‘wasn’t allowed to come’ - like some petulant child - instead of being mature enough to realise that it just wasn’t feasible because she had just given birth, op is better off without her in her life.

My MIL has been very welcome at every stage of my childrens lives but she never misses an opportunity to be a dick and let DH and the kids down.
How well OP manages to put herself last has no bearing on how interested or not she will be in the baby long term.

Because op doesn't know if she'll make it to her own family or not. It's an informal 'might see you, I'll see how it is on the day'. Not firm plans. If op is in hospital/bed/sofa bound or simply doesn't feel like it then she won't go. It won't leave anyone hanging, on their own or with a ruined dinner. MIL has pinned all of her Christmas day plans on op and her husband. Firm plans, so it's different. And unreasonable in the circumstances. I have sons, no way would I invite myself for Christmas in this situation.

I was due 18th December. Irish family, all three sisters in law, and MIL and FIL and my mom and step dad all arranged to visit on 6th January to give us a few weeks alone. I ended up being induced on 30th December, DD born 31st, then had to stay in hospital for 5 days to deal with preeclampsia aftermath and post partum bleed. All 7 of them turned up the day after I got out of hospital. I was exhausted. So no you are definitely not wrong to want no plans at all arranged. You’re also being considerate of your MIL by not wanting her to potentially be alone on Xmas day

A mn record. It's usually the 3rd post!

The OP isn’t excluding MIL. She’s not having ANYONE at Xmas. Because SHE MIGHT BE IN HOSPITAL or JUST GIVEN BIRTH. She might be torn, bleeding, struggling to get the baby to latch on and having go full ‘page 3’ to do it. She might be on the verge of tears all time. She might be fine. But they DON’T KNOW. It makes no sense for MIL to be there. She can drop in any day other than Xmas but the OP is wanting to make sure she isn’t left without plans on Xmas day. The MIL is a grown up and completely able to understand the needs of a new mother.

I think YABU tbh, I don’t think you should be making plans with either side if you don’t think you’ll be feeling up to it, you want to see your family for a few hours etc, MIL wants to see her son on Christmas Day aswell?

I think if you’d of said “we’re deciding to not make any plans with anyone this year due to baby being due” then I’d think you are reasonable tbh.. but I don’t think it’s fair to go to your families but not have anyone from your DH side there either.

Well that would say more about the person saying ‘I wasn’t allowed to come’ than the OP and would suggest the need for some therapy. It’s not ‘not allowed’ it’s ‘things are up in the air so we are not making firm plans’.

I had to stop reading the replies… it just annoyed me too much.
OP says she doesn’t want to make plans. IF she feels like it, they MIGHT go to her parents to get food and see sister from overseas. If she is not up to it, they won’t, and family will be ok with it.
MIL doesn’t respect this - wanting to spend the day with them means they have to make firm plans - no way to get out of it, because poor MIL whose desire to see her grandchild trumps everyone elses’s feelings, would be on her own. On Christmas. Even though both of her other children have invited her. So OP then has to host her, even if she is in labour. I can’t even believe the poster who suggested poor MIL should come to the hospital. Pregnant/ birthing mother to be’s comfort trumps everything.
it is pushy MILs like these that get frozen out, not the ones that offer support as, when and what is needed, not what is wanted by them on their own agendas.
as to taking MIL around parents… they have their overseas daughter round - maybe they don’t want to host a near stranger WHO WOULDNT BE ON HER OWN AT ALL if only she had made plans as usual, with the rest of her family. maybe they all want to lie around in their pyjamas…

It’s not even worth having this conversation. Either you get it or you don’t. Hosting someone is very different than being hosted. Tentative plans are very different than firm plans to have guests on a major family holiday.

Who does this woman think will do the shopping and cook the meal, then clean it up? Who does she think will make the bed and get the guest room ready?

She at best, just insensitive and thoughtless.

I'm a mil four times over. My son's wife is expecting their first baby. Because we are normal, and because our relationship is good, I understand that my daughter in law is going to want her own mum around more in the early days - she and her mum are close.

Her mum and I have spoken about this as we get on well - not close, but well. We both have the best interests of our children at heart so I love her for that. We both live some distance from the expectant parents, and DIL is having a CS. Quite reasonably, her mum is going to stay with them towards the due date and will stay on for a little while afterwards. I will of course be included via calls, facetime etc as we do currently. I've made myself available so that I can visit once they are ready. I certainly don't expect to be pandered to and I'm not worrying about having time with the baby dished out fairly. We have a whole lifetime of getting to know our grandchild.

I agree so much with your post @SwingTheMonkey

Exactly.

And when DH carries a baby for 9 months and then gives birth he can dictate the plans. People saying he probably needs his mummy are the funniest on here.

Thats lovely. I think this is absolutely the grown up position. I think anything else just seems childlike. All this ‘it’s not fair’ and feeling ‘left out’ suggests the need for some therapy.

Also the comments about being “fair”. When the experience of being a man matches that of being a woman, we can consider what is “fair” when it comes to the post-birth planning.

This

I understand not wanting to host a big day but if its ok to see your parents then his should be treated the same. Seems a bit mean to grandma.

Read the full thread.

I am pretty much of the same opinion.

What kind of parent or inlaw DEMANDS a couple do ANYTHING for the first few weeks?

They should be the ones on standby IF REQUESTED. Then its down to how they feel at the time.

The fact christmas falls in this period makes no difference. Other family need to do their own thing and get on with it.

It would be nice if the OP did something. But only if she feels up to it and its on her own terms. There shouldn't be any obligation.

ANYONE setting up guilt trips on this is the deeply selfish individual - thats the husband primarily who hasn't given a shit about his wife. He could have stopped the whole situation arising if he thought about it - tbh i think him calling the OP selfish is more about his inability to tell his Mum that he didn't really think about it, and they need to play it by ear rather than have firm plans.

I don’t think anyone should be asked to ‘muck in’ when they’ve given birth a few days previously.

DD1 was due on the 14th Dec. My grandparents came down for Christmas (stayed with my parents locally) and were absolutely livid that she still hadn't arrived when they left on the 27th. She was forcibly evicted on 28th.
DH and I spent that Christmas holed up in our house where I didn't have to deal with a million questions and could stay in my pjs. Saw people when I wanted to.

I would say no to everyone and have your own Christmas, set a boundary now. It'll be worse next year!